No title, too much pressure

Sophia left me a comment today about my answers to Acidman's quiz from yesterday. This one in particular really got my mind going: "Anyway, too bad you're not further south. We could get together and chat about the joy of falling in love." First of all, THANK YOU Sophia! That's really sweet, and it would be way too fun to chat with you. Sam sounds interesting, and I'd love to hear all about the two of you.

But what made my mind start buzzing was that her comment reminded me that I have yet to express the anger and resentment that I have with my current roomie and supposed "best friend". (I'll call her Jody.)

Jody is a very "me-first, what's in it for me" kind of person...simply put, she's pretty damn selfish. I've never really had much of a problem with that. She doesn't do much just out of the kindness of her heart unless she's going to get something in return; that's just who she is and I accept that. Jody also has problems spending time by herself. She's easily bored and basically just hates being alone. There are times that I'll be chillin' in my room and she'll holler for me to come out and watch TV with her because she's lonely. Ok, whatever. What makes me angry and started all this resentment is the fact that when I started seeing Vin, she was basically angry with me. She wasn't happy for me in the least, nor would she express any amount of excitement for me. TOTAL STRANGERS LIKE SOPHIA SHOW MORE ENTHUSIASM FOR THE FACT THAT I'M IN LOVE THAN MY OWN FUCKING ROOMMATE, WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY "BEST FRIEND"! What the FUCK kind of shit is THAT??? Jody avoided me and started in with the passive-aggressive anger bit. SHE WOULDN'T EVEN COME TO ME to tell me what was going on; I finally had to go to her to find out what the fuck the problem was. Is there anything worse than having to go to someone who is supposed to be able to talk to you about anything to ask why they are upset with you? Jesus. Anyway, she finally admitted to me that she just couldn't be happy for me because she wasn't exactly happy with where she was at in life at the moment, and besides, she never really gets excited about anything. (Her words.) I was pissed off and hurt beyond belief. Basically, this person who is supposed to be my best friend was sitting there telling me that unless SHE was happy with her life, she couldn't be happy for me. That is the most hurt I've been in a helluva long time. It took away most of the "falling in love joy" that you feel at the beginning of a relationship, because I was busy feeling guilty about my happiness. I couldn't share any of the silly, funny, romantic things he'd done with me or for me, because when I tried to share them with her, she looked at me as if I'd just killed her favorite pet. At one point, she admitted to me that all she could think about is how my falling in love and possibly moving out (at some far off point in the future) was going to affect her. Thanks a lot. It's been a few months now, and she's had some time to get adjusted to the idea that Vin is going to be a part of my life. She still responds to me talking about him with icy silence. She still refuses to show any amount of happiness for me. And the bit about her "never really getting excited about stuff"? Hm....well a few days ago she came home with some new clothes, and gushed over her purchases as if she'd just won the fucking lottery. My inner voice was fucking SCREAMING at her - YOU CAN'T GET EXCITED ABOUT THE FACT THAT I'M HAPPIER THAN I'VE BEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE, BUT YOU CAN GET EXCITED ABOUT NEW CLOTHES?!?!

I am so angry with her! Well maybe it's not anger. I guess if I'm honest with myself, it just boils down to the fact that I'm just really fucking HURT. Why is it that she has to be happy with her life and herself in order to be happy for me? What the hell? I just don't get that. And what's worse is that our entire relationship and living situation has done nothing but go downhill in the last five months because of all this. I know she can see it, too. So what do I do? FUCK. I HATE THIS. I know what I have to do - I have to confront her. I have to find a way to bring it all up to her and get it all out in the open. There are two things wrong with that. First off, it pisses me off that it's MY responsiblity to fix the problem when SHE is the cause of the problem. And secondly, I FUCKING HATE CONFRONTATION. HATE IT. And I hate it even more with someone that REFUSES to just let it all out. She will hem and haw about it and not really speak her mind, which will make it twice as fucking bad. Sometimes, I wish I was the old me that would just avoid this until we got in a big fight and parted ways. Sometimes, avoiding things is so much easier. But it isn't fair, and if you think about it, it isn't right, either. The right thing to do is to basically let her have it, as it were, and see what happens. I just really wish I could find a way to do this without ruining our friendship, which is what I fear may happen. Aw hell, I guess when ya think about it, our friendship is more likely to survive if we get it out in the open than if we don't. I just hate confrontation. Maybe I'll take the pussy way out and write it all down and give her a chance to do the same. That way, it might be easier for both of us.

Wish me luck.