Frustrated

So, I have a boyfriend that won't talk to me. It's not that he won't talk to me, exactly, but more that there are specific things he won't talk to me about. Ever have one of those? SO FRUSTRATING. I know there are things on his mind today; things that are bothering him or weighing him down. He's said as much. So I ask him what's on his mind and would he like to talk about it? He tells me that he doesn't want to "burden" me. (His word, not mine.) I tell him that's what I'm here for. He says something to the effect of "BAH!" Here's where I throw my hands in the air and walk off in a huff. Ok, I couldn't really walk off because we were on the phone, but mentally I did a little montage that consisted of me crossing my arms, jutting my lip out in a snotty pout, and tapping my foot.

I'm very big on communication. The essence of communication is my lifeblood. I take it seriously, and strive to do it to the best of my ability. (Wonder why it took me so long to start a blog?) Try as I might, I don't understand people that can't, don't, or won't communicate. Why does he need to keep it bottled up? I don't understand why he thinks that telling me his problems/worries/concerns is a burden to me. When he says that, it makes me feel as if I'm useless to him. Like there's no possible way I could offer anything in the way of advice, so what good am I in that capacity? I don't pride myself on having all the answers, nor do I pride myself on my stellar ability to give advice. I'm fully ready and capable of admitting that there are TONS of situations that I have no idea how to help with, let alone solve. But I wish I could understand why he doesn't feel it does him any good to allow me to be a part of his thought process. There are times that I doubt seriously that he'll be able to give me advice about some particular thing that's bugging me, but I present the idea to him anyway, just to 'breathe life into it', as it were. Sometimes, just the act of saying the words out loud to another human being that I know is really listening to me and cares about what I'm saying is enough for me. Sometimes, just saying it out loud is enough to start my thought process a flowin', and often I can figure things out on my own. Does he really think he needs to handle EVERYTHING himself, or is it that he doesn't trust me with this troubles? I guess that's what bothers me the most - I get the feeling that he doesn't trust me with his thoughts sometimes. I know that's a bad way to look at it, and it's possible that he just has my best interests at heart (in that he doesn't want to add his worries to my worry load). But it just doesn't sit well with me. It makes me feel shut out and closed off from him. It makes me feel as though he may think I'm too weak to hear about his problems because I'd make them my problems, and it would be too much for me. I guess I should stop trying to speculate. I'm never going to know the answer, so why bother asking the question?
I guess I just wish he would talk about whatever's on his mind, good and bad both. I don't want to hear just the happy crap, I want to hear it all. It doesn't feel real if all I ever hear is the good shit. OK fuckit. I'm starting to sound stupid here.

Anyway. On to other pressing matters. Had the weekend to myself, literally. Roomie was gone on a date (finally! YAY!!) Saturday nite, and I was left to entertain myself (Vin the boyfriend was working all weekend and could not be convinced to see his beloved for a little sexual distraction. That fool.) Since I've not seen much of my porn collection since we started dating (haven't needed it) I dragged out one of my favorite tapes (chicks & guys, all anal) to get the party started. Turns out, it made me miss Vin even more. (I know, I know - vomit! SO GIRLY!) Eh, whatever. I had plenty of fun anyway! I'm more than thankful that I have several toys to choose from, but I've decided my toy collection could use a little expansion. I need more things that vibrate, and more variety for my ass. Maybe a vibrating butt-plug would do the trick. I read somewhere about them, but I'm too lazy to link to it for you. Maybe I'll edit this later and hook y'all up.

EDIT: here's the link to a vibrating butt-plug, courtesy of Vin. Enjoy. OH! and let me know if you wanna buy it for me! HA!!