Cheating
As I mentioned yesterday, MBL has had some interesting stuff going on at his blog in relation to the whole subject of cheating. I've re-read his posts and the comments that went with them, and it sparked me to put down my own thougths about cheating. This should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway. These are my thoughts. They are in no way meant to be any kind of judgement about the way anyone else lives their life. I'm not trying to justify or condemn anyone's behavior, except maybe my own.
Now then. Cheating. Let me preface this by saying that I have never been married. Not that married cheating is any different from committed relationship cheating, in my opinion, but it seems like a relevant thing to point out. I'd also like to state for the record that I have not cheated on my present b/f, Vin, nor would I.
I have been The Cheater, The Cheated, and The Other Woman. I would qualify for all those titles more than once. I've seen cheating from many angles. My circumstances were varied.
The times I was The Cheater (meaning I was the one cheating on my b/f or g/f) were often more out of spite for having been cheated on than for any other reason. You know the whole "he/she cheated on me so I'm cheating on him/her" type bullshit. Some of the times were out of sheer stupidity and/or youth, and allowing myself to be caught up in the moment. It's not an excuse, but it's the truth. I am a very "immediate gratification" type person, and in my past I was more interested in doing whatever made me happy right that minute than I was about doing the right thing. I could justify just about anything, as long as the end result was my satisfaction/pleasure. When I was in the moment, I didn't think about how my actions would affect my significant other if they were to ever find out - I simply did whatever I thought would make me happiest. I rarely regretted the actual act of cheating because I saw it as a sexual thing, not an emotional one. (And as I said, many of those times it was for spite, so why would I feel regret or guilt?) Basically, sex was just sex, not emotion, so was I really hurting my significant other? Not in my mind. In my mind, in order to hurt someone I loved I would have had to have some emotional connection to the people I'd cheated with, and that just wasn't the case. I now see things very differently, but I'll elaborate on that later in this post.
Times I was The Cheated (meaning, I was the one that got cheated ON)...well, what can I say about those times? They sucked. I could never understand why he/she needed to cheat. Was it something I did? Didn't do? Did I lack skill? Was I terrible in bed? Was there something he/she needed that I wasn't giving them? Why did he/she need to be with anyone besides me? Wasn't I enough? And if I wasn't enough, WHY wasn't I enough? I used to drive myself crazy with that shit. Sadly, most of the time I got cheated on, I never really did get a straight answer about what the fuck the root of the problem was that was making the other person cheat on me. (Incidentally - if you are a cheater and you do get caught and your S.O. asks why...do that person a favor and just fucking tell them. Believe me, it probably won't make things any worse than they already are, so just bite the bullet.)
The times I was The Other Woman (meaning I was screwing a guy that was married and I knew it)...aw hell. I'll just come right out and say it. I was cheating with my best friend's husband. To clarify - my best friend was married to a guy. He decided to cheat on her. With me. We got caught. We lied. Long story short, they got a divorce (ironically, not because he cheated on her with me, but for a multitude of other reasons that I don't care enough about to get into here.) She hated me for awhile, but when we reconciled, she admitted to me that she was glad I'd cheated with him. Turns out, she was thinking about asking me to do it so that she'd have a reason to divorce him. So we were friends again. Now here's the most fucked up part. She re-married. Different guy. He cheated on her too. With me. Well, to be fair, not just with me. There were three or four others (or so I'm told) but at the time, I thought I was the only one. We got caught because he decided to tell her about it, even though it was way after we'd stopped fooling around. Obviously, there was no point in trying to lie about that one. Anyway, they divorced. Now let's see, what was my point? Oh, that I've had experience being The Other Woman. It was bad, very very bad. I try very hard to always say "I have no regrets in life", and it's hardest to say that when I think about having been The Other Woman. I say the "no regrets" thing because I love the person I am today, and I would not be the person I am today if it hadn't been for all the things I've been through and seen and done in my life. BUT. I very much regret causing as much pain as I have to the people I did. That's all I can really say about it without talking in circles.
The point of all this? That I've learned a lot about Cheating, in general. I think the most important thing I learned is that it is someting I will never do again. I have been hurt by cheating almost as much as I've hurt other people with my cheating, and that's one of the reasons that I try as hard as humanly possible to live an honest life now. For a long time, I thought that having an open relationship would be the best way to avoid the whole issue of cheating. I thought, hell, if I'm going to have sex with other people even though I'm in a relationship, then the least I could do is fucking be honest about it, right? I still think it's a good way to avoid cheating, but I've decided that an open relationship is not what I want. Vin has shown me a beauty about committed relationships that I have never seen before. There is no way on earth that I would jeopardize that over a trivial sexual fling with someone else. If I became unhappy in my relationship for whatever reason, I'd talk to Vin about it. If I became bored with our sex life, I'd talk to Vin about it. Basically, my thinking is that if I'm willing to risk my entire relationship with him by getting caught cheating, then I might as well face him with my problems before I've done something wrong and possibly irreversible. Which may prompt you to ask - well, what if you KNEW you wouldn't get caught? To which I'd say...yes, but I WOULD KNOW that I was cheating, and that's enough of a reason not to. Just because I wouldn't get caught doesn't make it right. It would still indicate that there was some underlying reason for my unhappiness that I was trying to fulfill outside my relationship, and that, my friend, is just wrong. If I ever got to a point where I was THAT unhappy, and all my options were spent, and Vin and I had had every converstaion imaginable and no resolution were possible...well, that would be the end. I would not stay in a relationship like that. Nor would I ever expect that of Vin.
Sorry so long winded. Guess I had a lot to say. I may update this later if I think of anything I left out.
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Now then. Cheating. Let me preface this by saying that I have never been married. Not that married cheating is any different from committed relationship cheating, in my opinion, but it seems like a relevant thing to point out. I'd also like to state for the record that I have not cheated on my present b/f, Vin, nor would I.
I have been The Cheater, The Cheated, and The Other Woman. I would qualify for all those titles more than once. I've seen cheating from many angles. My circumstances were varied.
The times I was The Cheater (meaning I was the one cheating on my b/f or g/f) were often more out of spite for having been cheated on than for any other reason. You know the whole "he/she cheated on me so I'm cheating on him/her" type bullshit. Some of the times were out of sheer stupidity and/or youth, and allowing myself to be caught up in the moment. It's not an excuse, but it's the truth. I am a very "immediate gratification" type person, and in my past I was more interested in doing whatever made me happy right that minute than I was about doing the right thing. I could justify just about anything, as long as the end result was my satisfaction/pleasure. When I was in the moment, I didn't think about how my actions would affect my significant other if they were to ever find out - I simply did whatever I thought would make me happiest. I rarely regretted the actual act of cheating because I saw it as a sexual thing, not an emotional one. (And as I said, many of those times it was for spite, so why would I feel regret or guilt?) Basically, sex was just sex, not emotion, so was I really hurting my significant other? Not in my mind. In my mind, in order to hurt someone I loved I would have had to have some emotional connection to the people I'd cheated with, and that just wasn't the case. I now see things very differently, but I'll elaborate on that later in this post.
Times I was The Cheated (meaning, I was the one that got cheated ON)...well, what can I say about those times? They sucked. I could never understand why he/she needed to cheat. Was it something I did? Didn't do? Did I lack skill? Was I terrible in bed? Was there something he/she needed that I wasn't giving them? Why did he/she need to be with anyone besides me? Wasn't I enough? And if I wasn't enough, WHY wasn't I enough? I used to drive myself crazy with that shit. Sadly, most of the time I got cheated on, I never really did get a straight answer about what the fuck the root of the problem was that was making the other person cheat on me. (Incidentally - if you are a cheater and you do get caught and your S.O. asks why...do that person a favor and just fucking tell them. Believe me, it probably won't make things any worse than they already are, so just bite the bullet.)
The times I was The Other Woman (meaning I was screwing a guy that was married and I knew it)...aw hell. I'll just come right out and say it. I was cheating with my best friend's husband. To clarify - my best friend was married to a guy. He decided to cheat on her. With me. We got caught. We lied. Long story short, they got a divorce (ironically, not because he cheated on her with me, but for a multitude of other reasons that I don't care enough about to get into here.) She hated me for awhile, but when we reconciled, she admitted to me that she was glad I'd cheated with him. Turns out, she was thinking about asking me to do it so that she'd have a reason to divorce him. So we were friends again. Now here's the most fucked up part. She re-married. Different guy. He cheated on her too. With me. Well, to be fair, not just with me. There were three or four others (or so I'm told) but at the time, I thought I was the only one. We got caught because he decided to tell her about it, even though it was way after we'd stopped fooling around. Obviously, there was no point in trying to lie about that one. Anyway, they divorced. Now let's see, what was my point? Oh, that I've had experience being The Other Woman. It was bad, very very bad. I try very hard to always say "I have no regrets in life", and it's hardest to say that when I think about having been The Other Woman. I say the "no regrets" thing because I love the person I am today, and I would not be the person I am today if it hadn't been for all the things I've been through and seen and done in my life. BUT. I very much regret causing as much pain as I have to the people I did. That's all I can really say about it without talking in circles.
The point of all this? That I've learned a lot about Cheating, in general. I think the most important thing I learned is that it is someting I will never do again. I have been hurt by cheating almost as much as I've hurt other people with my cheating, and that's one of the reasons that I try as hard as humanly possible to live an honest life now. For a long time, I thought that having an open relationship would be the best way to avoid the whole issue of cheating. I thought, hell, if I'm going to have sex with other people even though I'm in a relationship, then the least I could do is fucking be honest about it, right? I still think it's a good way to avoid cheating, but I've decided that an open relationship is not what I want. Vin has shown me a beauty about committed relationships that I have never seen before. There is no way on earth that I would jeopardize that over a trivial sexual fling with someone else. If I became unhappy in my relationship for whatever reason, I'd talk to Vin about it. If I became bored with our sex life, I'd talk to Vin about it. Basically, my thinking is that if I'm willing to risk my entire relationship with him by getting caught cheating, then I might as well face him with my problems before I've done something wrong and possibly irreversible. Which may prompt you to ask - well, what if you KNEW you wouldn't get caught? To which I'd say...yes, but I WOULD KNOW that I was cheating, and that's enough of a reason not to. Just because I wouldn't get caught doesn't make it right. It would still indicate that there was some underlying reason for my unhappiness that I was trying to fulfill outside my relationship, and that, my friend, is just wrong. If I ever got to a point where I was THAT unhappy, and all my options were spent, and Vin and I had had every converstaion imaginable and no resolution were possible...well, that would be the end. I would not stay in a relationship like that. Nor would I ever expect that of Vin.
Sorry so long winded. Guess I had a lot to say. I may update this later if I think of anything I left out.
posted by AmyVegas at
10/08/2003 12:49:00 PM
