love, confusion

I'm scared to allow myself to be as completely in love with him as I am. I am scared of getting my heart broken, again. I don't think my heart's strong enough to break again - I don't know that I could pick up the pieces and start over. Again.

I was realizing the other day that just because he doesn't express himself the same way I do, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel the same way I do. I was finally starting to really understand and believe that our relationship is strong enough to make it through the rough spots...the misunderstandings, the disagreements. I was finally starting to see that maybe it really is okay to really truly completely let myself go and fall....because I was starting to see that he really will catch me.

But then I read something he wrote that made me doubt all of it. Not just doubt. But see that maybe it was wrong of me to think all that. Now I don't know what to do. I am very confused. It's hard, because he frequently changes his mind about things. Some days he feels one way, other days he feels another way. How can I know what's real? What do I rely on? I'd like to rely on his actions, but that can be as confusing as his words sometimes.

It would be easier to deal with the confusion if I knew FOR A FACT what the concrete foundation was. Do you know what I mean? Like, I have this best friend Janie. She and I have been friends for a long damn time. We've had our ups and downs and have had as many fights and disagreements as we've had good, fun, hilarious times. I know our concrete foundation is rooted in great love and respect for one another and that no matter what happens in our lives, she will always be there for me and I will always be there for her. Even if she pissed me off beyond belief and I was more angry than I'd ever been at her, if she called and said she needed me I'd drop everything to help her. I know that no matter how many times she changes her mind and agrees or disagrees with me, our relationship is solid and it isn't going anywhere. It is a constant in my life that comes as easily and with no more thought than breathing.

I want and need my relationship with Vin to be that way. I was starting to understand and believe that it is.

Now I'm not so sure.

We have a weekend coming up, Vin and I. We are going to be together, just the two of us for two whole days. No interruptions. It will be a good opportunity for us to really sort these things out and tell each other - no holds barred - exactly how we feel and what each of us wants out of this relationship and where we see our future headed. I had thought this was going to be a good opportunity for me to tell him that although I'm really mental and just plain SLOW sometimes, that I get it now. That I know that we have that good kind of relationship - like the kind like I have with Janie, only in that sense you get with your mate and not your best friend. Now I'm thinking that maybe I should just let him talk first. Holy crap I can't believe I just said that. In my head I was just thinking - let him talk first, so that if he says something that is opposite of how I feel, I can just adjust what I was going to say. I can accomodate what he wants and make my feelings match that. Because that way, it will hurt less.

I give up for now. It is no use getting all worked up over something I have no control over. Regardless if he talks first or not, I am committing to myself right here right now that I will tell him how I feel and let the chips fall where they may. I will not shatter into a thousand pieces if I find out that he doesn't feel the way I do or want what I want. I will simply deal with it. The world will not end. And neither will I.