Pissed at Survivor
Ok, I admit it - I'm a 'Survivor' addict. I'm pissed about last night's episode. Rupert got screwed, in my opinion. Soulless, as usual, eloquently sums up exactly what I was thinking...read it. I thought I was the only one feeling love for Rupert. Guess not.
I'm having a SHIT day, and I've only been awake an hour. Here's something that I love about me - that I can get up at 7:15 am and be out the door looking good by 7:35 am in order to make it to work by 8 am. I love that I don't have to spend forever putting on make-up (I almost NEVER wear any - just for special occasions or when I'm trying to look extra hot for Vin) and doing my hair. But I digress. Vin called last night and he sounded like total shit and I know something is wrong and he won't tell me what it is. He's shutting me out again. Earlier this week I thought we had decided to work through this 'together', but now he's got me confused again. And that's not the worst of it. The worst part is that he wouldn't pick up his phone last night or this morning, and I just want to be sure he's okay which I don't think he is.
Oh fuckit whatever. I'm so sick of writing about problems and unhappiness. Like me writing about it is really gonna do one damn bit of good. The other night when he was trying to tell me I'd be better off w/out him, I told him to quit putting all this shit on me. I told him that if he wanted out then he needed to just say so and basically quit being a pussy about it. I asked what next - I suppose he's going to just be a complete dick so I'll leave him and that'll save him some guilt. He denied that he would do that, but something tells me I'm not so far off the mark there. I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I know that he loves me more than he's ever loved another. No question - it's a fucking fact. So it pisses me off to no fucking end that his illness makes him want to push me away. It pisses me off that he wants to do everything by himself. It pisses me off that one day he seems to want me involved and wants us to tackle this shit together, and the next day he avoids me like the fucking plague. It pisses me off that I'm so in love with him that I can't just walk away - I can't let him be. It pisses me off that I feel so cut off from him. Like I'm not worthy of being a part of his life or something. Like I'm not good enough because I'm not sick too. I feel like he thinks I can't understand or maybe he just doesn't want me to. I don't fucking know!!! I don't know what to think. I intended to try to talk to him about a lot of this last night when he came over, but he canceled on me. Claimed he had to work but I know better. I could feel it in his voice. It wasn't about how much work he had to do - it was about him just not having the energy to 'deal' with me. I really wanted to be able to look him in the face and ask him how much of a commitment he really wants to make to me. Because right now, it feels like his heart's half in it. The only way this relationship is going to work, is if he commits to allowing me to be a part of what is really going on with him, and allows me to be a part of him dealing with the illness. If he shuts me out - I'm fucked.
Right now, I think I'm fucked.
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I'm having a SHIT day, and I've only been awake an hour. Here's something that I love about me - that I can get up at 7:15 am and be out the door looking good by 7:35 am in order to make it to work by 8 am. I love that I don't have to spend forever putting on make-up (I almost NEVER wear any - just for special occasions or when I'm trying to look extra hot for Vin) and doing my hair. But I digress. Vin called last night and he sounded like total shit and I know something is wrong and he won't tell me what it is. He's shutting me out again. Earlier this week I thought we had decided to work through this 'together', but now he's got me confused again. And that's not the worst of it. The worst part is that he wouldn't pick up his phone last night or this morning, and I just want to be sure he's okay which I don't think he is.
Oh fuckit whatever. I'm so sick of writing about problems and unhappiness. Like me writing about it is really gonna do one damn bit of good. The other night when he was trying to tell me I'd be better off w/out him, I told him to quit putting all this shit on me. I told him that if he wanted out then he needed to just say so and basically quit being a pussy about it. I asked what next - I suppose he's going to just be a complete dick so I'll leave him and that'll save him some guilt. He denied that he would do that, but something tells me I'm not so far off the mark there. I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I know that he loves me more than he's ever loved another. No question - it's a fucking fact. So it pisses me off to no fucking end that his illness makes him want to push me away. It pisses me off that he wants to do everything by himself. It pisses me off that one day he seems to want me involved and wants us to tackle this shit together, and the next day he avoids me like the fucking plague. It pisses me off that I'm so in love with him that I can't just walk away - I can't let him be. It pisses me off that I feel so cut off from him. Like I'm not worthy of being a part of his life or something. Like I'm not good enough because I'm not sick too. I feel like he thinks I can't understand or maybe he just doesn't want me to. I don't fucking know!!! I don't know what to think. I intended to try to talk to him about a lot of this last night when he came over, but he canceled on me. Claimed he had to work but I know better. I could feel it in his voice. It wasn't about how much work he had to do - it was about him just not having the energy to 'deal' with me. I really wanted to be able to look him in the face and ask him how much of a commitment he really wants to make to me. Because right now, it feels like his heart's half in it. The only way this relationship is going to work, is if he commits to allowing me to be a part of what is really going on with him, and allows me to be a part of him dealing with the illness. If he shuts me out - I'm fucked.
Right now, I think I'm fucked.
posted by AmyVegas at
11/21/2003 06:42:00 AM
