No tolerance today
WOW. Either I have PMS, or I'm turning evil inside. Or maybe it's just a bad day. Not sure. My roomie, Jodie, has the flu. She's had it since Sunday night. All I can think of is what a fucking BABY she's being about it. She called me at work yesterday afternoon to ask me to stop and get her a can of soup and some soda on my way home. Doesn't seem like much to ask, really. But in my head, all I could think was "What the fuck? We live ONE BLOCK from Walgreens. Get off your dead lazy ass and go get it yourself." What really struck me is when I got home, she was telling me how sad she was that her mom also had the flu, because otherwise her mom would have COME OVER AND TAKEN CARE OF HER. (Seriously. Jodie is 29 years old.)
Maybe it's just my independent side (which is most of me...the dependent side rarely gets a chance to rear it's ugly head because I despise that side and beat it down whenever I get the chance.) Maybe it's just that the very idea of RELYING on someone to take care of me - EVER - gives me the fucken willies. Don't get me wrong - I like having people in my life that are there for me when I need them. But I also want to vomit at the thought of NEEDING them ALL the time - basically, of not being able to take care of myself.
Am I evil? Have I lost all sense of humanity? There's nothing wrong with asking for help, asking for a hand now and then. It doesn't make one weak or pathetic. I don't know what has gotten me so disgusted with the whole thing. I don't know why I can't seem to get the thought of her having her mommy come and take care of her (and how ridiculous that whole thing seems to me) out of my head. Why do I think less of her for admitting that she wants to be taken care of when she's sick? Maybe it's just because I'm the opposite. Yes, I'd like it if someone WANTED to or VOLUNTEERED to come and take care of me when I'm sick. But I sure as HELL would never expect it, nor would I ever ask for it. Shit, a few weeks ago, I was up in the middle of the night with stomach cramps so severe I actually considered going to the emergency room. Even then, all I could think about was whether or not I could drive myself there without getting in an accident, or if I would suddenly double over in pain while driving and cause an accident. It didn't even occur to me to call someone (roomie was gone at the time) for help. Well, that's not ENTIRELY true - I did briefly think of it, but put it immediately out of my mind because I didn't want to be a burden over something so (in my mind) minor, especially at 3 in the morning. (Incidentally, when I told Vin about this later, he yelled at me for not calling him and made me promise that if something like this should ever happen in the future that I get a hold of him IMMEDIATELY.)
I don't know...sometimes, I wonder about myself. I am one of the least judgemental, and most open-minded people I know. I rarely look down on others. So why is it that something so stupid could make me think less of her? I'm guessing it's a combination of things. Her lack of support of my relationship and my decisions. Her lack of help around the house. The way she thinks that she is better than most people (and most of the time, I suspect that includes me.) Maybe it's my selfish need to plug my self esteem - because I see in her so many things that I am not and don't ever want to be.
Alas, enough rambling for now. I feel better having gotten that all off my chest. Maybe I won't spit in her dinner when I pick it up from Arby's (she just called to make that request) on my way home. Wish me luck.
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Maybe it's just my independent side (which is most of me...the dependent side rarely gets a chance to rear it's ugly head because I despise that side and beat it down whenever I get the chance.) Maybe it's just that the very idea of RELYING on someone to take care of me - EVER - gives me the fucken willies. Don't get me wrong - I like having people in my life that are there for me when I need them. But I also want to vomit at the thought of NEEDING them ALL the time - basically, of not being able to take care of myself.
Am I evil? Have I lost all sense of humanity? There's nothing wrong with asking for help, asking for a hand now and then. It doesn't make one weak or pathetic. I don't know what has gotten me so disgusted with the whole thing. I don't know why I can't seem to get the thought of her having her mommy come and take care of her (and how ridiculous that whole thing seems to me) out of my head. Why do I think less of her for admitting that she wants to be taken care of when she's sick? Maybe it's just because I'm the opposite. Yes, I'd like it if someone WANTED to or VOLUNTEERED to come and take care of me when I'm sick. But I sure as HELL would never expect it, nor would I ever ask for it. Shit, a few weeks ago, I was up in the middle of the night with stomach cramps so severe I actually considered going to the emergency room. Even then, all I could think about was whether or not I could drive myself there without getting in an accident, or if I would suddenly double over in pain while driving and cause an accident. It didn't even occur to me to call someone (roomie was gone at the time) for help. Well, that's not ENTIRELY true - I did briefly think of it, but put it immediately out of my mind because I didn't want to be a burden over something so (in my mind) minor, especially at 3 in the morning. (Incidentally, when I told Vin about this later, he yelled at me for not calling him and made me promise that if something like this should ever happen in the future that I get a hold of him IMMEDIATELY.)
I don't know...sometimes, I wonder about myself. I am one of the least judgemental, and most open-minded people I know. I rarely look down on others. So why is it that something so stupid could make me think less of her? I'm guessing it's a combination of things. Her lack of support of my relationship and my decisions. Her lack of help around the house. The way she thinks that she is better than most people (and most of the time, I suspect that includes me.) Maybe it's my selfish need to plug my self esteem - because I see in her so many things that I am not and don't ever want to be.
Alas, enough rambling for now. I feel better having gotten that all off my chest. Maybe I won't spit in her dinner when I pick it up from Arby's (she just called to make that request) on my way home. Wish me luck.
posted by AmyVegas at
12/16/2003 02:03:00 PM
