What to write, what to write
My head is full of thoughts and images, but I'm having trouble translating them into words to express what I'm feeling and thinking. It's been a weird week. I'm all over the place emotionally - one minute I'm crabby, then happy, then frustrated, then worried, then happy again, then sad, then back to worried, then on to other less easily definable emotions. It's all rather unclear. I hate it. I think I haven't been talking to Vin about things as much as I normally do because I don't want to add any more strain to his already heavy load. As much as I want ours to be the kind of relationship where we talk all the time about anything and everything, I don't know that this is possible. I feel like it would just be asking too much of him, and with all that he has going on in his life, I don't want to be one more thing on top of that pile. I'm always talking about how 'independent' I consider myself to be - maybe I need to be less talk and more action.
I'm reminded of my last year of high school. It was definitely the worst year of my life (at the time, anyway). I started writing letters to myself, as I felt like I was the only person I knew that could possibly understand me and what I was going through. I remember realizing for the first time that all of us are really ALONE. I realized that I was the only person that I would ever truly "have" for the rest of my life, and that I would need to learn to count on, rely on, and trust only ME forever more. Heh, I even remember writing myself a list of rules...I can't remember all of them, but I recall the number one rule was "Never expect anything of anyone"...another was like "You will only need you for the rest of your life"....another was "You only have YOU, so use your resources wisely." Shit like that. I strayed from all that in the years that followed. Lately, though, I am thinking more and more that I should be less interested in communicating every single thought and feeling to Vin, and more interested in figuring out how to take care of those thoughts and feelings myself. Not because he has expressed anything that would make me think that he would be happier with that, but because I think it would make things simpler for him. Simpler for our relationship.
I can't help but wonder if that's how I really want things, or if I want to do it "for" him. I'll have to think about this awhile.
|
I'm reminded of my last year of high school. It was definitely the worst year of my life (at the time, anyway). I started writing letters to myself, as I felt like I was the only person I knew that could possibly understand me and what I was going through. I remember realizing for the first time that all of us are really ALONE. I realized that I was the only person that I would ever truly "have" for the rest of my life, and that I would need to learn to count on, rely on, and trust only ME forever more. Heh, I even remember writing myself a list of rules...I can't remember all of them, but I recall the number one rule was "Never expect anything of anyone"...another was like "You will only need you for the rest of your life"....another was "You only have YOU, so use your resources wisely." Shit like that. I strayed from all that in the years that followed. Lately, though, I am thinking more and more that I should be less interested in communicating every single thought and feeling to Vin, and more interested in figuring out how to take care of those thoughts and feelings myself. Not because he has expressed anything that would make me think that he would be happier with that, but because I think it would make things simpler for him. Simpler for our relationship.
I can't help but wonder if that's how I really want things, or if I want to do it "for" him. I'll have to think about this awhile.
posted by AmyVegas at
12/18/2003 12:43:00 PM
