Long day

I can tell it's going to be a long day. I woke up with a headache - never a good sign.

Vin's still out of town. He's been gone since last Monday, and I've spoken to him a grand total of about 15 minutes since Tuesday of last week. First he was sick with the flu and wouldn't call me or answer or return my calls. Then he left me a quick message Friday evening (I missed his call by one second, running to get the phone) to let me know he was going out with friends (work people) to celebrate an engagement. Then he called Saturday and I got to talk to him long enough to find out that he wasn't coming home, and that his phone was getting bad reception so he couldn't talk.

Odd that he's been staying at hotels that don't have regular phones. I figure if he really wanted to talk to me, he could have either called me from the hotel, or sent me a text message (he's sent me a couple and they've worked fine) with the # to the hotel so I could call him back and it wouldn't cost either of us anything. Why he hasn't, I don't know. He sent me a text message yesterday saying he'd try to call me later, but didn't.

I've been leaving him messages left and right telling him that I'm freaking out - that I need to talk to him - that I need him - that I miss him and I can't handle going this long with out talking to him.

He hasn't given any sign that he's gotten the messages, or that he's the least bit concerned about going so long without talking to me.

Is he really sick and busy and without phone, or is he trying to say something else? Fuck, it's senseless to speculate and I know it. But damn, what the hell else can I do? He is unavailable indefinitely - either by force or by choice. What the fuck am I supposed to think???

I have been sleeping for shit, and a lot of my sleep has been riddled with nightmares or bad dreams. One where I was being stalked and then I was kidnapped - they shoved a needle in my back and paralyzed me from the waist down. It was one of those dreams that feels so realistic that you can actually feel pain in it. It really sucked - I woke up breathing hard and sweating. In another bad dream, Vin was laughing at me and telling me how stupid I was and that he's been involved with someone else for over a month now. I was surprised when I woke up to see that I wasn't crying - it felt so real in my dream that when I woke up I was sure my face would be puffy with tears, but it wasn't.

There is no greater torture for me than needing desperately to talk to someone and not being able to - whatever the reason. It fucken tears me up.