Not Dead

I'm alive, I'm alive. Came down with that nasty-ass flu last week, and was out of work as a result. I'm feeling better, but just barely. Health-wise, I'm okay - a few residual affects of the flu are still with me (cough, sniffles, tired as hell.) It's my personal life that seems to have really taken a turn for the worse.

I can pretty much visualize myself being back at square-one, and it's a damn nasty picture. Vin has decided he is not taking the job in St. Louis. In a way I'm relieved, because now he'll be staying here and I won't be needing to move and start all over and that's nice. A change would have been good, but hard, and I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that big of a change. We had discussed living together regardless of whether or not we move to St. Louis, and his position had been that he'd like to live with me no matter what. Bad news - he's decided he doesn't want to do that.

Did I make that clear enough? He doesn't want to live with me.

Now what? He says he doesn't want to break up. Says he likes how things are. He just can't handle the kind of change that would be required for him to live with me and that's why he doesn't want to.

I feel terrible. I don't know what the hell this means for the future of our relationship. How can we move forward if he doesn't ever want things to change? And what the hell am I going to do now for living arrangements? I am sick of my roomie and sick of living with her, and Vin's been telling me not to worry because it won't be very much longer that I'll have to endure. (Our lease is up in April.) After I found out Vin had changed his mind, I asked the roomie if she wanted to sign another year lease, she said she'd have to think about it. She was planning to move back w/her parents so that she could save money for a down payment on a home of her own, so she's not sure she wants to dump that to spend another year renting and wasting the money. Can't say I blame her. Hell, to be honest, I would feel releived if she didn't want to live with me anymore, for various reasons. But on the other hand, where the hell would I go? I can't really afford to live on my own, and I have no roomie prospects.

Fuck. I'm confused, frustrated. Feels like I'm heading into a depression, but I'm going to do everything I can to try to make sure that doesn't happen.

I understand that change is hard and that some people react worse to it than other people. I understand Vin's reasoning. Doesn't make it any easier, though. I want things that require change, and he doesn't want to do that. So really - now what??