Dear Asshole Clothing Designer that made my pants,

First of all, you suck. I bet you thought you were being clever, or perhaps "trendy" or "inventive" when you decided to put the zipper on the SIDE of my fucking pants (ah, without a button or snap at the top either, fucknuts), but let me tell you something - when you are a person of size (read: fat) there's nothing clever, trendy, or inventive about it. It's just a pain in the ass!! One that has caused me to nearly pee my pants on more than one occasion. In conclusion - when making large girl pants, put the fucking zipper where it is fucking supposed to be - in the fucking front, in the fucking middle. DO IT NOW!!! Sincerely, Someone who will never be stupid enough to buy side-zippered pants ever again.