Wasn't thinking
I swore to myself when I started this blog that I would never delete a post. That what I wrote would stand, for better or worse. I have officially broken that promise. I posted something yesterday (if you read it, it was the I'm Sorry post) that hurt someone I love very much. It was never my intention to do such a thing. I wrote that post when I was in a very 'out of touch with reality' frame of mind. I have deleted that post, and it is for the better. It was an embarassing reminder of how I terribly overreacted, and I wish that the person I was saying 'I'm Sorry' to had never read it.
Email is a tricky little bitch. Sometimes, it is the only communication that he and I have due to him living 700 miles away and still living with his wife and kids. We have few opportunities to talk voice, and the times we do are often during working hours. That's fine for a 'hey how ya doin' kind of conversation, but it is not always ideal for bringing up deeper subjects. So....often, we have to rely on email. It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing has been that we've had some extremely deep, probing conversations via email. We've been asking each other very thought provoking questions, and email has allowed each of us to spend time writing how we really feel and what we really think. The curse is something I think we're all familiar with - there are times when you are trying to say one thing, and the recipient hears an entirely different message than what you are trying to convey.
This week we are suffering from the curse of misunderstanding one another via email. I meant one thing, he read another. He replied, and I read it even worse. I was in tears and feeling like a complete jackass, hence the 'I'm Sorry' post from yesterday. We did manage to talk things out and clear up the misunderstanding...but then he then read that post. The result was not good. I can only imagine how he felt - all he would say (via text messaging) is that it made him extremely upset and he couldn't calm down because he was feeling so incredibly terrible about hurting me. We haven't yet talked it out - he wouldn't call me last night.
What bothers me most about the whole thing is that he feels he is to blame. (He said that - not me.) I completely disagree. We both had a hand in making a mess of something that should have been simple. Besides that, I don't agree with EVER needing to assign blame. It does nothing to resolve a situation, and it leaves one or both partners feeling guilty - a feeling, in my opinion, that is a waste of time and energy. (SOME guilt can be helpful in that it can remind you not to repeat your mistakes...but A LOT of guilt is just a fucking waste.)
Worse, I don't know what to do to make him understand that these things sometimes happen. Misunderstandings and miscommunications happen. It doesn't mean that one person is bad or being awful to the other. It isn't the end of the world. I know he didn't intend to hurt me, and when I re-read his email I could clearly see where I had misinterpreted things yesterday. When I read the email today, it sounded completely different, and I can see now that the tone I read the first time, and the tone he was trying to convey were completely different.
I don't know how to 'fix' this between us right now, but I know it's going to be fine. I know that in the future there are some things that are better addressed over the phone, when we have the advantage of hearing tone instead of trying to guess how the other person is trying to sound.
One last thing I need to clear up here - yesterday's post about anger. I was angry because I knew that he was upset about the email I'd sent him, but instead of him telling me he was upset and just directly addressing the problem, he decided to ignore me. He sometimes does this, and I know he has his reasons, but that doesn't stop me from getting pissed about it. And because he was out of touch, I couldn't address him being upset. Can you see how this all just went from bad to worse?
In the end, I guess I really want to stress that sometimes I write without thinking, and wind up hurting people I love. I don't think about the effect my words will have and that can be very unintentionally damaging.
My new promise to myself is this. Rather than promising myself to never delete a post and stand behind what I write come hell or high water, I vow to THINK before I write, and never PUBLISH when I'm overly emotional. I will write, yes. But I will read it 24 hours later to be sure it is still how I truly feel, before posting it and risking hurting someone I love.
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Email is a tricky little bitch. Sometimes, it is the only communication that he and I have due to him living 700 miles away and still living with his wife and kids. We have few opportunities to talk voice, and the times we do are often during working hours. That's fine for a 'hey how ya doin' kind of conversation, but it is not always ideal for bringing up deeper subjects. So....often, we have to rely on email. It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing has been that we've had some extremely deep, probing conversations via email. We've been asking each other very thought provoking questions, and email has allowed each of us to spend time writing how we really feel and what we really think. The curse is something I think we're all familiar with - there are times when you are trying to say one thing, and the recipient hears an entirely different message than what you are trying to convey.
This week we are suffering from the curse of misunderstanding one another via email. I meant one thing, he read another. He replied, and I read it even worse. I was in tears and feeling like a complete jackass, hence the 'I'm Sorry' post from yesterday. We did manage to talk things out and clear up the misunderstanding...but then he then read that post. The result was not good. I can only imagine how he felt - all he would say (via text messaging) is that it made him extremely upset and he couldn't calm down because he was feeling so incredibly terrible about hurting me. We haven't yet talked it out - he wouldn't call me last night.
What bothers me most about the whole thing is that he feels he is to blame. (He said that - not me.) I completely disagree. We both had a hand in making a mess of something that should have been simple. Besides that, I don't agree with EVER needing to assign blame. It does nothing to resolve a situation, and it leaves one or both partners feeling guilty - a feeling, in my opinion, that is a waste of time and energy. (SOME guilt can be helpful in that it can remind you not to repeat your mistakes...but A LOT of guilt is just a fucking waste.)
Worse, I don't know what to do to make him understand that these things sometimes happen. Misunderstandings and miscommunications happen. It doesn't mean that one person is bad or being awful to the other. It isn't the end of the world. I know he didn't intend to hurt me, and when I re-read his email I could clearly see where I had misinterpreted things yesterday. When I read the email today, it sounded completely different, and I can see now that the tone I read the first time, and the tone he was trying to convey were completely different.
I don't know how to 'fix' this between us right now, but I know it's going to be fine. I know that in the future there are some things that are better addressed over the phone, when we have the advantage of hearing tone instead of trying to guess how the other person is trying to sound.
One last thing I need to clear up here - yesterday's post about anger. I was angry because I knew that he was upset about the email I'd sent him, but instead of him telling me he was upset and just directly addressing the problem, he decided to ignore me. He sometimes does this, and I know he has his reasons, but that doesn't stop me from getting pissed about it. And because he was out of touch, I couldn't address him being upset. Can you see how this all just went from bad to worse?
In the end, I guess I really want to stress that sometimes I write without thinking, and wind up hurting people I love. I don't think about the effect my words will have and that can be very unintentionally damaging.
My new promise to myself is this. Rather than promising myself to never delete a post and stand behind what I write come hell or high water, I vow to THINK before I write, and never PUBLISH when I'm overly emotional. I will write, yes. But I will read it 24 hours later to be sure it is still how I truly feel, before posting it and risking hurting someone I love.
posted by AmyVegas at
3/17/2004 06:51:00 AM
