It's hard to know what to say about all the words that have been exchanged about me recently between Stevie and TheSpartan (aka Vin, aka Him, aka my love/boyfriend).

I understand where Stevie's coming from, and I truly appreciate her intentions...especially considering I've never met her in person. She sees me as the little sister she never had. And if you know anything about Stevie, then you know what a compliment that is. If you don't know anything about Stevie, here's some background...in general, Stevie doesn't usually get along with or have much affection for other women. I think she mostly sees them like I do, which (not to be too offensive here) is pretty much a pain in the ass. I've always gotten along better with men than women - in fact most of my close friends that have stayed with me through the years are men. The women seem to come and go. But that's not really what this is about, anyway.

Stevie believes I am putting myself in harm's way, and following a path that will lead to certain heartbreak. As I understand it, she has been in similar situations with similar men, and the result has been nothing but pain and heartache. I can see that she is trying to keep me from having to go through the same shit she's gone through. Believe me, I appreciate it. I really do. It is beyond flattering that someone I don't even really know wants to try to help me avoid pain and sadness in my life. I like that she speaks her mind about shit, and calls it like she sees it. I like that she's not delicate or indirect or a pussy about things. I can relate to that. I like that she wants me to see things from different sides, and I like that quite often her comments give me perspective and show me something that I hadn't realized myself.

However, it doesn't necessarily mean I completely agree with her assessment of the situation and it's proposed outcome.

Sometimes, it's just impossible for me to explain why I see things, life, people, whatever the way I do. I was talking with a friend the other night, and I said "Jesus, I just realized something really fucked up about me. How is it that I can have such a pessimistic, negative view of myself, and such an optimistic, positive view of everyone else in my life?? I'm like a twisted version of Mother Theresa or some fucking thing." He laughed a bit...but then admitted he had just been thinking the exact same thing right before I said it.

I don't know. I don't know how or why - it's just an ingrained thing. It's just in my nature to believe in people, to see the good in them, to have faith even after I maybe shouldn't. It hasn't always worked out for me...but deep down, I believe it WILL.

That's a lot of how I see Vin. Yes, he was an idiot for not telling me from the beginning he was married - yes, that was wrong. BUT...that doesn't mean that he is ALL bad or ALL wrong. There are so many other things that I love about him and so many other good things in him, that I just refuse to believe that just because he made a stupid mistake I should cut him loose. To me, that just doesn't fucking make sense.

Especially when I look back on my own life and think about the terrible mistakes I've made. There are times when people were damned justified in not forgiving me; not giving me another chance. But there were other times that I know for a fact that if they had just waited, just let me prove myself, just let me TRY, that things could have worked out or at least been very different.

Since finding out that he is still married, we have had some of the most deep, personal conversations we've had in all the time I've known him. I made a lot of demands on him right after I found out, and made it clear that I wasn't going to allow even ONE more indiscretion; even ONE more lie. I made it clear that if he wanted to continue to be a part of my life, he was going to have to work his fucking ass off to earn my trust back, and he was going to have to go out of his way for me. I told him to really think about it, and make sure that he really wanted this, because it wasn't going to be an easy road.

He has done every single thing I have asked of him, and then some. There were things I didn't mention that he'd have to put up with, like my being suspicious of his motives on a regular basis, my paranoia, my constant questions about how things are going at home, and my need to know every little thing that's going on, all...the...time.

I refuse to believe that he would be going through all of this if his intentions weren't honorable at this point. I mean think about it. He's over 600 miles away. He only sees me once every 4-6 weeks. If he wanted to, he could disappear forever and there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it. So given that option, why would he be putting in as much effort as he is, if he didn't love me as much as he says he does? That would make no sense.

I am not naive enough to think that everything is just wonderful, and that he will never make a mistake again and that everything from here on out will just be smooth sailing. I'm 31, not 13. I am skeptical to a point, and when my gut starts telling me that something is amiss, I pay attention now instead of ignoring it like I did before. I ask questions. If I don't like the answer, I ask more questions. I ask until I understand.

Vin and I have talked endlessly about his situation, and what our options are. We BOTH decided that it will take one year's time to try to line things up for us to be in a position to be together. He needs to save money, needs to work on things with his wife and kids, and needs to get settled in a new job in a new town. I am trapped in a one year lease. Beyond that, I need one year's time. I need him to keep building up my trust for him. I need him to show me that he's really as committed as he says he is. I need to know that even under bad, un-ideal conditions, that our relationship can survive. I can't think of a more trying test than the one placed before us.

I appreciate all of you who have commented, and who look out for me and the fact that this relationship might not work out. I appreciate that none of you want me to be hurt anymore than I already have. Thank you. Not just for caring, but for keeping me on my toes.