Sick
Okay, I just need to get this off my chest so I can stop being even slightly irritated about it.
Sometimes, my boyfriend is one sick puppy. (For anyone who's read my blog for awhile, you know this is a given. But I really do mean that in an endearing sort of way.) So you know how I have huge insecurities about my relationship, right? You don't? Here, I'll give you the Reader's Digest version.
We dated for 8 months before I found out he'd been lying to me the whole time and is actually still married...and came to also find out he has three kids, not just the two he told me about. Sometime in the 6th month, he officially decided he was taking a job out of state, but he lied to me for about 2 months about that - himming and hawing about whether or not he wanted to move, etc., and in the end he wound up telling me he was NOT taking the job and was going to stay here. It was only after I found out about the still being married thing that he (after I forced it out of him) admitted to being committed to moving 700 miles away (and taking his wife and kids with him, of course.) Of course, by the time all of these truths came to light, I was so totally and completely in love with him and convinced we were meant to be together that all I wanted to do was forgive him and move on. After slapping him as hard as I could (spraining a finger in the process) across the face, of course. (I swear to God, I am not normally a violent person...well, not violent against other living things, anyway....but dammit, I was PISSED.) After many, many, MANY serious and "let's get it all out in the open" type conversations, we decided that this relationship is worth persuing, and are going to try to do the long-distance thing. Naturally, given the way everything has happened, coupled with the fact that I'm not an overly confident person in the first place, I have a lot of insecurities about things. Plus the fact that he has, on several occasions, made mention of and tried to break up with me. Just two days ago we had a conversation about breaking up. He thinks he's not being fair to me, I deserve more attention and deserve to have someone that can be here with me full time, and he says he thinks I would be happier if I just left him and went out and found somebody else.
Side note: I think he thinks things really work this way. Like I could just leave and go out and get myself a new boyfriend tomorrow or something. Ha! It took me over 3 years of being single to find HIM, what on EARTH makes him think I could just start over like that? And what's more, why the hell does he think I'd WANT to? If I can forgive him and want to be with him even though he's not going to get divorced any time soon, why the hell would I break up w/him over a measly thing like distance??
Anyway. I told him that wasn't going to happen. I don't want to leave him. I am in love, and I truly believe that although this isn't the most ideal situation right now, I do believe that it is worth going through to get to the part where we end up together. I told him (basically) that he wasn't going to change my mind and if he wanted out he needed to say so. I also said "enough talking about breaking up for awhile, okay?" to which he agreed.
Now for the sick puppy part. His idea of an April Fools' joke yesterday was to make me think he was going to break up with me. Via email. Only after I wrote him back telling him I was in tears did he give in to it being an April Fools' thing. Then he made fun of the fact that he was preying on my doubts and insecurities. His only defense? "I warned you April was coming. You need to pay more attention." Sick. Sick, I tell you.
Alright, I'm over it. I just really needed to vent that. I know he didn't mean anything by it, and that he did, in fact, think it was pretty humorous. He was even kind of mad that it only took me about 2 emails back and forth before I was in tears - he said I "ruined" his fun. ::Sigh::
I really truly honestly love him, and am very much in love with him. But some days, he really makes me crazy.
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Sometimes, my boyfriend is one sick puppy. (For anyone who's read my blog for awhile, you know this is a given. But I really do mean that in an endearing sort of way.) So you know how I have huge insecurities about my relationship, right? You don't? Here, I'll give you the Reader's Digest version.
We dated for 8 months before I found out he'd been lying to me the whole time and is actually still married...and came to also find out he has three kids, not just the two he told me about. Sometime in the 6th month, he officially decided he was taking a job out of state, but he lied to me for about 2 months about that - himming and hawing about whether or not he wanted to move, etc., and in the end he wound up telling me he was NOT taking the job and was going to stay here. It was only after I found out about the still being married thing that he (after I forced it out of him) admitted to being committed to moving 700 miles away (and taking his wife and kids with him, of course.) Of course, by the time all of these truths came to light, I was so totally and completely in love with him and convinced we were meant to be together that all I wanted to do was forgive him and move on. After slapping him as hard as I could (spraining a finger in the process) across the face, of course. (I swear to God, I am not normally a violent person...well, not violent against other living things, anyway....but dammit, I was PISSED.) After many, many, MANY serious and "let's get it all out in the open" type conversations, we decided that this relationship is worth persuing, and are going to try to do the long-distance thing. Naturally, given the way everything has happened, coupled with the fact that I'm not an overly confident person in the first place, I have a lot of insecurities about things. Plus the fact that he has, on several occasions, made mention of and tried to break up with me. Just two days ago we had a conversation about breaking up. He thinks he's not being fair to me, I deserve more attention and deserve to have someone that can be here with me full time, and he says he thinks I would be happier if I just left him and went out and found somebody else.
Side note: I think he thinks things really work this way. Like I could just leave and go out and get myself a new boyfriend tomorrow or something. Ha! It took me over 3 years of being single to find HIM, what on EARTH makes him think I could just start over like that? And what's more, why the hell does he think I'd WANT to? If I can forgive him and want to be with him even though he's not going to get divorced any time soon, why the hell would I break up w/him over a measly thing like distance??
Anyway. I told him that wasn't going to happen. I don't want to leave him. I am in love, and I truly believe that although this isn't the most ideal situation right now, I do believe that it is worth going through to get to the part where we end up together. I told him (basically) that he wasn't going to change my mind and if he wanted out he needed to say so. I also said "enough talking about breaking up for awhile, okay?" to which he agreed.
Now for the sick puppy part. His idea of an April Fools' joke yesterday was to make me think he was going to break up with me. Via email. Only after I wrote him back telling him I was in tears did he give in to it being an April Fools' thing. Then he made fun of the fact that he was preying on my doubts and insecurities. His only defense? "I warned you April was coming. You need to pay more attention." Sick. Sick, I tell you.
Alright, I'm over it. I just really needed to vent that. I know he didn't mean anything by it, and that he did, in fact, think it was pretty humorous. He was even kind of mad that it only took me about 2 emails back and forth before I was in tears - he said I "ruined" his fun. ::Sigh::
I really truly honestly love him, and am very much in love with him. But some days, he really makes me crazy.
posted by AmyVegas at
4/02/2004 08:23:00 AM
