What can I say?

I don't know. I've been thinking of how to respond to my comments from April 2nd's post for almost two days, and I still don't know exactly what I want to say.

Everyone that commented on that post has a very valid point. If I were anyone but me, I'd probably say the same things they did. But there's more to it than that. The problem is, every time I think about trying to explain why I disagree with those comments, I wind up sounding like I'm rationalizing the situation and/or defending him.

Maybe it is unreasonable to have the amount of faith in him and us that I do. Maybe I'm being short sighted, or turning a blind eye, but I really do not believe that I am. We have had so many upfront, open, and honest conversations about our situation, that I refuse to believe he wouldn't have taken at least one of those opportunities to end it if that is what he really wanted. I have asked him directly on more than one occasion if he wanted out. I've rephrased it, reworded it, repeated it. Every time, his answer is an unwavering "no." If he really wanted out as much as it looks to most of you like he does, doesn't it seem reasonable that he would have taken at least ONE of those opportunities to just say so?

I think that the times I get the most crazy about him and the things he does are in large part due to the fact that I can't always just call and talk to him to get a clear understanding of what the hell he's trying to say or do. It's no one's fault - there just isn't a lot of time for us to be truly "alone" on the phone together. Work (for both of us) and family (for him) get in the way of that being possible to do at the drop of a hat. Which is why I frequently blog and bitch - to get it off my chest, to vent, to get perspective, to calm down. By the time I do get to speak to him about whatever's bugging me, I like to be able to discuss it in a rational manner, not just whine, bitch, or complain about something that has me upset. Especially considering that many of our disagreements stem from simple miscommunications or misunderstandings. (I've said it before, I'll say it again...sometimes the written word just can't convey tone and meaning the way one intends.)

I know for a fact there are times when he is going just as crazy as I am about this whole thing. He's torn between wanting to hold onto me as tightly as possible and wanting to set me free "for my own good". He knows he can treat me the way I deserve to be treated and give me everything I want and need and knows I can and will do the same in return...but also knows that it is going to be a long time before either of us can truly take advantage of that....and how fair is that to either of us? I could go on and on, but you get the point. I think often that when he's acting out (ie, trying to get me to break up with him, etc.) it is just because he feels that by staying with me, he is doing me a disservice. It makes sense to me. I totally understand where he's coming from. And I am starting to truly understand that it isn't always easy for him to express what he's thinking or feeling or going through. Sometimes, he simply can't. It doesn't mean he's changed his mind or that things are suddenly the exact opposite of what we've talked about...it usually just means that he's frustrated and can't figure out how to tell me about it.

I don't know. This had a point when I started, but I've lost track. I guess what I'm trying to say is Thank You to all of you for your care and concern and advice. I always consider what other people have to say about my situation. It keeps my head in the game and doesn't let me turn the blind eye that I sometimes want to. But don't be offended if I don't heed your suggestions. It doesn't mean I don't value your opinions or advice....it simply means I'm going to do it my way, and use this blog to express myself along the way.