Had a relatively nice weekend. Yesterday was...somewhat of a challenge. Went to a baby shower for the roomie's sister-in-law. Everything was going along fine until she started opening gifts. The thing is, her husband showed up just in time to help her open gifts (he thought we'd be done by that time, and had come to help load the gifts, etc into his truck). As he sat there with her "ooohing and aahhhing" and being all cute and supportive with her - that's when I started to become completely overwhelmed with emotion. So many thoughts were running through my head simultaneously...but the two that stuck out the most as the culprits of nearly causing me to cry were:
- I wish the father of my baby had been even half as supportive when I was pregnant
- That might never be me...I might never be that happily married...I'm more jealous of how happy they are together, than the fact that they're about to start a family...another thing I may never experience

Then, as I was busy stuffing all this emotion into that place where we stuff emotions that are trying to come out at the most inappropriate time, I became extremely angry with myself. Angry that I am such a jackass that all I can think during someone else's happy moment is how jealous I am or how worried I am that it might not ever happen to me. I am such a DICK sometimes!

Then, the moment passed and all was fine. I think that on top of all that, I was feeling that icky thing in my gut/mind/heart that I feel when I realize that Mother's Day is nearly here. Then beyond that, realizing that my son Jake's birthday is soon to follow. Every time I get that icky feeling, I always wonder if this guilt is something that I'm just going to carry around with me for the rest of my life, or if there will ever be a time that I feel good, truly and absolutely good, about the adoption.

Guess we'll see.