Sigh....
I am just not in the mood to do a quote today. For some reason, Mother's Day is taking a harder toll on me than usual. Part of it is about my son; part of it is about my biological mother. I talked about her here. Somehow, her death seems more 'real' to me than it has in the past; I seem to be almost ready to mourn the loss...but maybe not quite. I don't know. It's confusing. How do you mourn the loss of someone you never knew? I guess I need to figure out how to mourn the loss of not having known her. Or something like that.
I'm thankful that my mom (to clarify - my adoptive mom) is still around, even though we aren't close. It has a lot to do with my childhood, I suspect, but it's not as though I had it even close to rough growing up. I'm going to hang out with her today or tomorrow, just the two of us for some 'quality time' together. I finally admitted to her that the traditional Mother's Day gathering at my aunt's house (complete with my uncle's sisters and their kids - one of whom shares the same name as my son and is not far from his age) is just too hard on me. I hate being there, I hate seeing the kids, I hate what the whole day represents, I hate that they (out of goodwill) ask about my son and do I have pictures and blah blah blah. (I put it a little more gently to my mom, though.) And I explained to her that it was more important for me to be with her than with a bunch of people I don't really know or like. The day is really supposed to be about MY mom, not spending time with a bunch of other moms. She completely understood, and is more than happy to oblige. I'm relieved, though it doesn't seem to make the coming weekend look like it's going to be any easier.
One thing that made me laugh a little was when I told my mom all that about not wanting to go to the gathering, she was surprised because I've never said anything before, and it's been eight years since I had Jake. I said "yea, well, that's because I fake it and just get through it as best I can and pretend everything's okay." She said "You know, I thought that might be the case. You are so....'hard'....you act like things are fine and don't bother you, but underneath I always wonder if you're really hurting." Now that, in itself isn't that funny, really...but it was funny to me because I hadn't realized she ever picked up on that. Like I said, we're not close.
Anyway, enough of all that. To all the women out there who get called "mother, ma, mom, mama"... and to all the women who ARE moms but maybe not in a traditional sense....and to all the women who, like me, are having a hard time because they placed a child for adoption....HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. You are loved and needed and cherished.
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I'm thankful that my mom (to clarify - my adoptive mom) is still around, even though we aren't close. It has a lot to do with my childhood, I suspect, but it's not as though I had it even close to rough growing up. I'm going to hang out with her today or tomorrow, just the two of us for some 'quality time' together. I finally admitted to her that the traditional Mother's Day gathering at my aunt's house (complete with my uncle's sisters and their kids - one of whom shares the same name as my son and is not far from his age) is just too hard on me. I hate being there, I hate seeing the kids, I hate what the whole day represents, I hate that they (out of goodwill) ask about my son and do I have pictures and blah blah blah. (I put it a little more gently to my mom, though.) And I explained to her that it was more important for me to be with her than with a bunch of people I don't really know or like. The day is really supposed to be about MY mom, not spending time with a bunch of other moms. She completely understood, and is more than happy to oblige. I'm relieved, though it doesn't seem to make the coming weekend look like it's going to be any easier.
One thing that made me laugh a little was when I told my mom all that about not wanting to go to the gathering, she was surprised because I've never said anything before, and it's been eight years since I had Jake. I said "yea, well, that's because I fake it and just get through it as best I can and pretend everything's okay." She said "You know, I thought that might be the case. You are so....'hard'....you act like things are fine and don't bother you, but underneath I always wonder if you're really hurting." Now that, in itself isn't that funny, really...but it was funny to me because I hadn't realized she ever picked up on that. Like I said, we're not close.
Anyway, enough of all that. To all the women out there who get called "mother, ma, mom, mama"... and to all the women who ARE moms but maybe not in a traditional sense....and to all the women who, like me, are having a hard time because they placed a child for adoption....HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. You are loved and needed and cherished.
posted by AmyVegas at
5/07/2004 10:04:00 AM
