Calm, Rational
Okay...so I may not be totally calm and rational just yet, but I'm a lot closer to that than I was yesterday.
Thank you, all of you, for your kind, encouraging words and support. I sincerely appreciate it.
I don't think I've been fair to Vin on this blog, and I want to try to correct that. I know for a fact that I have never painted an accurate picture of our relationship, and I sure as hell have never made it clear that he really is very much in love with me. I know that sounds fucking crazy, but it's the truth. It is a fact that he is even more torn up about trying to leave me than I am about being left, and I think you have a pretty clear picture of just how fucked up I feel about being left.
A very weird, interesting series of events happened yesterday. Somehow, I don't feel like it's totally fair to him to get into all the details, but I learned in a roundabout way that I have a much more profound affect on him than I ever truly believed I did, or do.
I understand why he broke up with me. He has a lot more going on in his life than I'm aware of. It upsets me that he can't share with me every aspect of what he's dealing with and going through, but I understand that he doesn't share because he's trying to sheild me - not because he's trying to hide things. Because of all this 'stuff' going on in his life, he knows he can't give me even a fraction of the attention I need or deserve. He can't see me every 4-6 weeks like he's been able to do over the last few months. He knows I am unhappy about this, and he's even more unhappy about it than I am. But he has things in his life that need sorting out, and that need his full attention to get sorted out before he can attempt to share his life with me. Which means, in the simplest terms, that I can't expect much, if anything, from him for awhile. He realizes it is unfair of him to ask me to wait...to put my life on hold while he figures things out. He realizes that he can't hold me back that way. That I need to be free to do whatever I want and that may include meeting someone that can be there for me and give me what I need 100% of the time.
Those are facts, not just what I think or what I interpret the situation to be. FACTS.
I have tried many other times to dispute my need for someone else. I have tried to make him understand that he is all I need and want, in whatever capacity he is available to me. I have tried to make it clear that it is my choice to stay with him - it's nothing he's asked of me or forced me into. I know he has heard me, and to an extent, he has believed me. But this is where it gets tricky.
Vin knows that I have a tendency to be a doormat to people I care about. He's absolutely right. It's something I'm aware of and working on, but it's going to take time for me to unlearn the behavior that 'others come first'. I tend to put my wants and needs on the back burner, and that isn't good.
I believe this has caused Vin to think that he is using me. Or that he is treating me as a doormat. Or that because he has to put himself first right now, that means that my needs aren't being met.
I strongly disagree with this. I understand why he thinks what he does, and why he wants me to move on. I believe it is honorable and noble of him to force me to move on because he believes he is hurting me. He has told me that he can't stand to see me unhappy for the next 10 months (the amount of time until we can be together), and I understand that. But I don't think he's aware that my unhappiness can be fixed.
I don't know what else I want to say just yet. I only know that I am not ready to move on. I am not ready to let go. And I am not ready to give up.
More thoughts later.
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Thank you, all of you, for your kind, encouraging words and support. I sincerely appreciate it.
I don't think I've been fair to Vin on this blog, and I want to try to correct that. I know for a fact that I have never painted an accurate picture of our relationship, and I sure as hell have never made it clear that he really is very much in love with me. I know that sounds fucking crazy, but it's the truth. It is a fact that he is even more torn up about trying to leave me than I am about being left, and I think you have a pretty clear picture of just how fucked up I feel about being left.
A very weird, interesting series of events happened yesterday. Somehow, I don't feel like it's totally fair to him to get into all the details, but I learned in a roundabout way that I have a much more profound affect on him than I ever truly believed I did, or do.
I understand why he broke up with me. He has a lot more going on in his life than I'm aware of. It upsets me that he can't share with me every aspect of what he's dealing with and going through, but I understand that he doesn't share because he's trying to sheild me - not because he's trying to hide things. Because of all this 'stuff' going on in his life, he knows he can't give me even a fraction of the attention I need or deserve. He can't see me every 4-6 weeks like he's been able to do over the last few months. He knows I am unhappy about this, and he's even more unhappy about it than I am. But he has things in his life that need sorting out, and that need his full attention to get sorted out before he can attempt to share his life with me. Which means, in the simplest terms, that I can't expect much, if anything, from him for awhile. He realizes it is unfair of him to ask me to wait...to put my life on hold while he figures things out. He realizes that he can't hold me back that way. That I need to be free to do whatever I want and that may include meeting someone that can be there for me and give me what I need 100% of the time.
Those are facts, not just what I think or what I interpret the situation to be. FACTS.
I have tried many other times to dispute my need for someone else. I have tried to make him understand that he is all I need and want, in whatever capacity he is available to me. I have tried to make it clear that it is my choice to stay with him - it's nothing he's asked of me or forced me into. I know he has heard me, and to an extent, he has believed me. But this is where it gets tricky.
Vin knows that I have a tendency to be a doormat to people I care about. He's absolutely right. It's something I'm aware of and working on, but it's going to take time for me to unlearn the behavior that 'others come first'. I tend to put my wants and needs on the back burner, and that isn't good.
I believe this has caused Vin to think that he is using me. Or that he is treating me as a doormat. Or that because he has to put himself first right now, that means that my needs aren't being met.
I strongly disagree with this. I understand why he thinks what he does, and why he wants me to move on. I believe it is honorable and noble of him to force me to move on because he believes he is hurting me. He has told me that he can't stand to see me unhappy for the next 10 months (the amount of time until we can be together), and I understand that. But I don't think he's aware that my unhappiness can be fixed.
I don't know what else I want to say just yet. I only know that I am not ready to move on. I am not ready to let go. And I am not ready to give up.
More thoughts later.
posted by AmyVegas at
6/03/2004 06:24:00 AM
