Didn't think before I acted

This morning after he and I exchanged a few emails, he made it clear that he didn't want to speak to me anymore.

I went berzerk, in that quiet way you do when you're at work and can't start crying loudly in anguish. I acted rashly. I deleted every email he's ever sent. Even the ones I'd saved on disk. I deleted every voice mail from my work phone. I deleted every text message from my cell phone. All of it - gone in a matter of minutes.

At the time, I thought that if I could just delete every trace of him from things I can see and touch, then maybe it will be easier to face trying to move on w/out him.

I was wrong.

What I wouldn't give to get all that back right now. To see his words, and to know that he meant them with all his heart at the time. Probably means them still.

And my blog. Jesus. All that shit about worthless and suicidal and blah blah blah...YEAH, I thought it...but damn, I should have thought longer before I posted. I sound...pathetic.

I'm just lost. Abso - fucking - lutely LOST.