I miss all of you. Here's an update:
Hi. Anyone miss me? That's okay if you didn't. Can't say I blame ya.
I'm still broken up with Vin, though I don't want to be. Staying broken up with him goes against everything in my heart. (Though my head keeps telling me it must be this way.) Everything about being apart from him feels wrong. I hate it.
On the other hand, when I look at the bigger picture I have to admit to myself that things staying the way they were with us just doesn't work. "Maybe" and "Someday" may work for some, but for me...well, I've grown tired of holding onto what may someday be there. The reality is that as much as I am in love with him, our present life together is not what I want. I don't want to be a girlfriend on the side. I don't want to settle for an hour or two of his time at 6am on whatever day he can slip away. I don't want to have a man that I can't HAVE, can't count on to be there at the drop of a hat, can't go out with on date night or bring to family functions on holidays, can't surprise at home with dinner on the table, can't wake up next to, can't call whenever I want. And right now, that's exactly what I have. A relationship that consists of me being last on a long list of priorities. What may happen some day MAY happen - it's a fantasy, a fairy tale. It is not what IS, right now, and that's what I finally had to face.
The truth is, part of me could (and would, and wants to) wait forever. That lovestruck woman who lives solely in my heart tells me that no matter how long, the wait will be worth it. But the woman who lives inside my head tells me that some of us have to grow up and stop believing in fairy tales (and maybes and somedays) because they only come true in movies. And life, my friend, is certainly not a movie.
This must be so clear from an outsider's point of view. But from in here, inside my world, it's foggy and the forecast calls for more of the same. I'm sure my therapist will frown upon my keeping up a relationship with him. She'll tell me I'm not letting go, not moving forward, not healing this heartbreak, etc. Well, that's too bad. He's an important part of my life, and cutting him out of it would be like losing a limb. It's not going to happen. And it's not because I am holding on and hoping that by keeping him a part of my life, I'll just happen to be there when and if he finally leaves his wife. It is because I love him and if I can't BE with him, then dammit he's going to stay in my life as one of the best friends I've ever had. All the things I fell in love with him for still apply, and as such, he's someone I want to keep around.
Argh. Enough about Vin. Bottom line (like you couldn't guess) is that we're keeping in touch, still being extremely supportive of one another, and still seeing each other when his schedule permits. That's how it's going to stay for awhile.
As for me - well, things don't look great today. I got extremely sick with a bacterial infection in my throat last week (hardy har - it wasn't an STD, you smart asses.) It was kind of like Strep Throat but different. At any rate. I was down for 5 days straight and that included Christmas. My mom was cool and came to bring me presents and spend time with me for a couple hours on Christmas. I would have gone to my parent's house to celebrate with them and my brother, but my dad is having surgery in a couple weeks (he has blockage in his carotid arteries [85% on one side and like 60% on the other or some shit] and needs to have them scraped out [?] or something) and I couldn't risk getting him sick. Well, between the time I missed with this illness and the time I missed a couple weeks ago (stomach issues), my paycheck that I get this week (that I pay rent out of) will have about 47 hours on it instead of 81. Super. I have no clue how I'm going to pay the rent. My dad said he and my mom can help, but fuck - they can barely afford the surgery he's having. How can I take their money without feeling like total shit?? I'll have to figure that out later - paying rent and feeling like total shit is better than not paying rent, getting evicted, and having to move back in with them. Shit, if he thought his chances of having a stroke were pretty good before surgery, I can guarantee those odds will go through the roof if he thinks I'll have to move back in. I think he'd sooner sell a kidney. So like I said, things aren't looking so great today.
On the upside, shit could be a whole helluva lot worse, so I'm not complaining. I have a lot - A LOT - to be thankful for, and there's a fuckload of people in the world that can't say the same. All in all, I got it good and I'm damn grateful.
I hope y'all had a good holiday, whatever and whenever you celebrated. And if I don't find time to write again this week, have a great New Year's Eve. Don't be a shmuck and drive drunk, either. If you do, I'll have to hunt you down and beat you with all the leftover candy canes I couldn't eat, and you shouldn't put a just-recovered-from-a-very-bad-bacterial-infection person through that kind of effort.
Kisses.
|
I'm still broken up with Vin, though I don't want to be. Staying broken up with him goes against everything in my heart. (Though my head keeps telling me it must be this way.) Everything about being apart from him feels wrong. I hate it.
On the other hand, when I look at the bigger picture I have to admit to myself that things staying the way they were with us just doesn't work. "Maybe" and "Someday" may work for some, but for me...well, I've grown tired of holding onto what may someday be there. The reality is that as much as I am in love with him, our present life together is not what I want. I don't want to be a girlfriend on the side. I don't want to settle for an hour or two of his time at 6am on whatever day he can slip away. I don't want to have a man that I can't HAVE, can't count on to be there at the drop of a hat, can't go out with on date night or bring to family functions on holidays, can't surprise at home with dinner on the table, can't wake up next to, can't call whenever I want. And right now, that's exactly what I have. A relationship that consists of me being last on a long list of priorities. What may happen some day MAY happen - it's a fantasy, a fairy tale. It is not what IS, right now, and that's what I finally had to face.
The truth is, part of me could (and would, and wants to) wait forever. That lovestruck woman who lives solely in my heart tells me that no matter how long, the wait will be worth it. But the woman who lives inside my head tells me that some of us have to grow up and stop believing in fairy tales (and maybes and somedays) because they only come true in movies. And life, my friend, is certainly not a movie.
This must be so clear from an outsider's point of view. But from in here, inside my world, it's foggy and the forecast calls for more of the same. I'm sure my therapist will frown upon my keeping up a relationship with him. She'll tell me I'm not letting go, not moving forward, not healing this heartbreak, etc. Well, that's too bad. He's an important part of my life, and cutting him out of it would be like losing a limb. It's not going to happen. And it's not because I am holding on and hoping that by keeping him a part of my life, I'll just happen to be there when and if he finally leaves his wife. It is because I love him and if I can't BE with him, then dammit he's going to stay in my life as one of the best friends I've ever had. All the things I fell in love with him for still apply, and as such, he's someone I want to keep around.
Argh. Enough about Vin. Bottom line (like you couldn't guess) is that we're keeping in touch, still being extremely supportive of one another, and still seeing each other when his schedule permits. That's how it's going to stay for awhile.
As for me - well, things don't look great today. I got extremely sick with a bacterial infection in my throat last week (hardy har - it wasn't an STD, you smart asses.) It was kind of like Strep Throat but different. At any rate. I was down for 5 days straight and that included Christmas. My mom was cool and came to bring me presents and spend time with me for a couple hours on Christmas. I would have gone to my parent's house to celebrate with them and my brother, but my dad is having surgery in a couple weeks (he has blockage in his carotid arteries [85% on one side and like 60% on the other or some shit] and needs to have them scraped out [?] or something) and I couldn't risk getting him sick. Well, between the time I missed with this illness and the time I missed a couple weeks ago (stomach issues), my paycheck that I get this week (that I pay rent out of) will have about 47 hours on it instead of 81. Super. I have no clue how I'm going to pay the rent. My dad said he and my mom can help, but fuck - they can barely afford the surgery he's having. How can I take their money without feeling like total shit?? I'll have to figure that out later - paying rent and feeling like total shit is better than not paying rent, getting evicted, and having to move back in with them. Shit, if he thought his chances of having a stroke were pretty good before surgery, I can guarantee those odds will go through the roof if he thinks I'll have to move back in. I think he'd sooner sell a kidney. So like I said, things aren't looking so great today.
On the upside, shit could be a whole helluva lot worse, so I'm not complaining. I have a lot - A LOT - to be thankful for, and there's a fuckload of people in the world that can't say the same. All in all, I got it good and I'm damn grateful.
I hope y'all had a good holiday, whatever and whenever you celebrated. And if I don't find time to write again this week, have a great New Year's Eve. Don't be a shmuck and drive drunk, either. If you do, I'll have to hunt you down and beat you with all the leftover candy canes I couldn't eat, and you shouldn't put a just-recovered-from-a-very-bad-bacterial-infection person through that kind of effort.
Kisses.
posted by AmyVegas at
12/28/2004 08:22:00 AM
