So much for my happy ending

Avril's got it right:

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done


Remember the deal Vin and I had? The one year timeline? It was supposed to be ending this January. Well apparently, that's not enough time. Apparently, he's going to need more time. I asked how long. He said under a year. I asked if it would be more than two months. He said yes.

So I broke up with him.

He tells me the one year timeline wasn't a lie - it just changed. And he didn't tell me it changed. Why? No reason.

I wonder how long it's been that he is not in love with me.

Shit.

I wonder if he ever was?

I had a dream last night. I was presented with the award for "Most Colossal Waste of Time".

All of 2004 has been a complete waste. All that energy and emotion spent on someone who knew a year ago that he didn't want to be with me but didn't want to tell me.

Why the fuck do I have to do everything MY WAY all the got-damn time??? Why do I have to be that person that needs to go through it to believe and understand it???

He doesn't love me. He doesn't want to be with me. I really believed he was going to pull through. I really believed that after all the lying he'd done and after all the hurt he knew he put me through, that in the end he loved me enough to stay true to his word. I know I had no reason to believe that he wasn't lying about that, too. I know that. But the heart overrides the mind in my world.

And again, I'm left with the most empty, aching heart imaginable.

See the thing is, when it was good - it was the best fucking relationship I've ever had. And I just wanted so badly to believe that things were finally going to work out for me. That someone I loved so deeply would not let me down like all the others have.

I guess sometimes in life, certain people really were meant to be on their own. I learned early on that the only person I really truly have in this life is myself. I just hoped that if I tested the theory enough, I'd prove myself wrong. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm old enough to understand now that some of us are really just meant to be with ourselves.

Maybe it'll only take a week to stop crying this time.

I'm not counting on it.

In fact, I'm not counting on anything anymore.