Nauseous or Nauseated?
I never remember which is the right word when I want it.
Crap.
Well, whatever. I wish the insanely sick feeling in my stomach would go away so I could stop freaking out. Stop feeling terrified about what he's going to do to me, and when and where.
I'll also be glad when my shoulders come down from their current location, which is somewhere near the middle of my neck. Tense doesn't begin to describe my body.
It's fucked up, but I haven't cried. Not once. I'm beyond crying. This is the kind of pain for which crying is no use.
Four kids? Motherfucking FOUR?!?! I mean, what does one do with that information? I mean fuck. I knew he was lying about shit and withholding information like a motherfucker, but a whole kid? Fucking fuck! I can't even lie - I was praying his wife was lying about that. I really held out hope that maybe she was just trying to take a stab at me; that maybe it wasn't true. But then he confirmed it. I threw up.
How do you know when you're done paying your dues for shit you did in the past? How do you know when your karma's going to start leveling out?
I feel .... fucking empty. Just empty. I mean damn, there is so much about him that I am still so fucking in love with. A combination of things unique to just him. And it's not a matter of finding those qualities in someone else. I don't want anyone else!! I want him; the one I've invested my heart and life in for the past two years. Where the fuck am I supposed to put those feelings now that I'm not supposed to feel them anymore?
Knowing he wasn't in love with me and wasn't ever going to make a life with me doesn't change how I feel, even though it definitely should.
Knowing those things only mildly provides me with the comfort that leaving was the only choice I had in order to live my life. Not wait for a life with him, live my life myself, right now. But knowing those things doesn't lift this crushing feeling I have in my chest, nor does that knowledge ease the pain in my stomach or calm my thoughts.
When I look at the whole, big picture, I can't decide which mistake I would consider my biggest. I guess it doesn't even matter. It's all gone now; I'll never get it back - not the shitty way it's been for the past 8 months, with those brief, fleeting moments of sheer fucking GREATNESS, and certainly not the way it was the first 8 months, which were some of the best months of my life.
Gone. FUCK.
|
Crap.
Well, whatever. I wish the insanely sick feeling in my stomach would go away so I could stop freaking out. Stop feeling terrified about what he's going to do to me, and when and where.
I'll also be glad when my shoulders come down from their current location, which is somewhere near the middle of my neck. Tense doesn't begin to describe my body.
It's fucked up, but I haven't cried. Not once. I'm beyond crying. This is the kind of pain for which crying is no use.
Four kids? Motherfucking FOUR?!?! I mean, what does one do with that information? I mean fuck. I knew he was lying about shit and withholding information like a motherfucker, but a whole kid? Fucking fuck! I can't even lie - I was praying his wife was lying about that. I really held out hope that maybe she was just trying to take a stab at me; that maybe it wasn't true. But then he confirmed it. I threw up.
How do you know when you're done paying your dues for shit you did in the past? How do you know when your karma's going to start leveling out?
I feel .... fucking empty. Just empty. I mean damn, there is so much about him that I am still so fucking in love with. A combination of things unique to just him. And it's not a matter of finding those qualities in someone else. I don't want anyone else!! I want him; the one I've invested my heart and life in for the past two years. Where the fuck am I supposed to put those feelings now that I'm not supposed to feel them anymore?
Knowing he wasn't in love with me and wasn't ever going to make a life with me doesn't change how I feel, even though it definitely should.
Knowing those things only mildly provides me with the comfort that leaving was the only choice I had in order to live my life. Not wait for a life with him, live my life myself, right now. But knowing those things doesn't lift this crushing feeling I have in my chest, nor does that knowledge ease the pain in my stomach or calm my thoughts.
When I look at the whole, big picture, I can't decide which mistake I would consider my biggest. I guess it doesn't even matter. It's all gone now; I'll never get it back - not the shitty way it's been for the past 8 months, with those brief, fleeting moments of sheer fucking GREATNESS, and certainly not the way it was the first 8 months, which were some of the best months of my life.
Gone. FUCK.
posted by AmyVegas at
5/30/2005 08:35:00 PM
