Thinking

Mother's Day came and went. It sucked. I went to the damn bbq and regreted every second I was there. I was being retarded not having the conversation with my mom; it won't happen again.

I'm on overload in the thought department.

My new living arrangements rule. Love the new apartment. Love that I have a deck. Love that the new roomie is SO MUCH COOLER/BETTER than the old roomie. I knew she would be and she is so proving me right. This takes a major load off my stress level.

Work is total bullshit. I work on a "team" of four individuals. One has been out for 10 weeks with some sort of undisclosed illness. She was supposed to come back this week. Instead, she quit. Work did exactly what I knew they would - instead of replacing her, they "redistributed the workload" so the rest of us can permanently pick up the slack with no compensation for doing so. Whatever, fuck stains.

Vin. Fuck. Where do I even start? To put it simply: I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. We had a very good conversation in which I asked for some things (spend time with me twice a month, etc); he agreed to every single one. So far, it's been a month and he hasn't done anything I've asked for. In fact, all that's happened in that time is several arguments over the way each of us sees certain things. None of which have been resolved, of course, because he can't/won't see me and can't/won't make time for me on the phone. There are some things you just can't iron out in an email. (Gee, have I said this before???)

I have come to believe he wants me to leave him. For whatever reason.

I believe I will never get a straight answer, never get the truth. I mean fuck! He sat there with me and looked me in the eye and said, "Yes, I can and will do those things" and yet he hasn't done any of those things and again, without acknowledgement or explanation. Every time we argue, his brilliant comeback is, "Well if you don't like it, leave."

How big of an idiot could I possibly be to not see and understand the message he's trying to deliver? WHY THE FUCK DO I INSIST ON HEARING THINGS IN PLAIN ENGLISH? Because I find it impossible to give up hope until he actually says to me, "I'm not going to leave my wife. I don't want to be with you." YES I KNOW THAT'S RIDICULOUS. Yes, I know I have to find a way to let it go without actually hearing those words. Yes, I realize actions speak far louder than words, and his actions are nothing but more ways to tell me to go.

He hasn't called me in a week. Not even at work. I haven't heard his voice since Friday the 13th. The few emails we've exchanged have been either mundane or argumentative. The few text messages I've gotten have been about the same. He tells me "I love you" only rarely.

Long gone are the days of finding a cute text message telling me I'm hot. The days of finding a steamy email waiting for me in the morning. The days of him sneaking away just to call me to hear my voice.

I don't know what happened. I don't know what made things this way. I don't know when he became bored with me. I don't know when he fell out of love with me. I don't know when he decided I wasn't worth his time and effort.

And I don't know how to stop being in love. I don't know how to give up hope. I don't know how.

I just don't.