I'll tell you what I think

Oh wait, I already do that. Fuck it; here's some more.

When I asked him why he didn't tell me about the fourth kid, (born in Dec, which means he got wife pregnant in what, late Feb early Mar? Whatever - it was right around the time she found out about me and they moved to St. Louis) he said, "I did not feel that I could tell you about that."

Now, what I should have asked next was why not. I didn't do that. I jumped to thinking that he felt I was unapproachable - that he couldn't tell me stuff. Which I felt very confused by; I don't see myself as the "wigging out" type. I mean, when you lie or withhold info and I find out anyway, you bet your ass I'm going to wig out. But when approached in a calm and straightforward manner, I feel I handle even very bad news in a reasonable manner. Sure, I may be upset or disappointed or whatever - but I feel I handle things pretty appropriately. Several of my friends (who have had to deliver bad news to me at one time or another) have agreed with me on this.

Which got me thinking. And thinking and thinking. Why did he feel he couldn't tell me?

One conclusion: he thought I'd freak out and...what? I don't know. But I do know that sometimes the fear of someone freaking out on you combined with the fear of not knowing what they're going to do while/after freaking out can really overwhelm some people. I've been there - I totally know. If that's the reason, then he needs to learn that I'm SO NOT that person. Yeah, I would have been hurt and angry and shocked and a multitude of things - but I would have fucking handled it. And well, too, I might add.

Another conclusion: he's a selfish asshole and didn't tell me because he thought I would leave him, and he wanted to keep me around any way he could. Think about it. The time frame was like a month or so after I found out he's still married. He must have thought that would be the dealbreaker for sure. Which I sort of get, but not really. Especially because that was the time frame where I was making him PROMISE me there wasn't going to be any more lying, and that he needed to understand how much I love him and how this can't work if he's going to lie and not be forthcoming with shit.

I can see how when he first found out, he'd feel like he couldn't say anything. Bad time frame, etc. I get that. But seriously - over the course of a year and a few months, he didn't feel AT ANY POINT that he could divulge this information??

Either he doesn't understand me/know me at all, or I'm a way bigger bitch than I thought. I don't know. It worries me. If he can't tell me about BIG things in his life, I have no reason to believe he'd bother telling me about little things either. And if he's not going to share what's happening in his life with me, then what's the point??