It occurred to me this morning...

If I had sent that email to Vin's wife LAST year, I do believe I could have greatly reduced or possibly even eliminated the chance of her getting pregnant.

I'm not saying it's my fault.

I'm just saying that once again, if the truth had come out on ALL sides, none of us would be in the situation we're in. And considering I know he's been unable/unwilling to be honest, maybe I should have taken control of the situation a year ago.

Interesting things to think about today.

_____(Interrupted by coworker) ______

I apologize for nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe my life will be one mistake after another but they're MY FUCKING MISTAKES TO MAKE, and I don't owe fucking ANYONE an explanation!!!

Pardon the outburst; a coworker just got through giving me the "You're too good for this guy/you should never speak to him again/you deserve better/people NEVER change/don't be stupid" speech and GOD DAMN IT I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH!!!

(I reference the coworker here, but I've heard it from everyone except my close friends - so when I say they, I mean a collective "they," I don't mean everyone at work knows my business.)

Through clenched teeth, I will "calmly" try to say this once: I know. I know they "mean well" and have "my best interests at heart" and want "only good things" for me. I realize the sentiment behind those words, I do. And I appreciate that people care for me so much they tell me things like this.

But it gets under my skin like you would NOT believe, because I feel like they think I'm too stupid to see it myself.

In their defense, maybe I AM being stupid. Maybe talking to him is stupid. Maybe I should ignore how I feel, and not try to figure any of it out - just assume he's always going to be a dick and cut my losses. Maybe I should ignore all the things I love about him and just focus on the one thing I hate, which is his dishonesty. Because maybe he's not a real human being. Maybe they see what I don't see - that he is a monster who's sole purpose in life is to fuck me over as many times as possible by being dishonest. But maybe, JUST MAYBE, I see something they don't. Possible??? Especially being they have a very, very limited view of my life and relationship, don't you think it's possible that maybe they don't know everything there is to know?

Well, and plus - people never change, right? "People don't change," they say.

Does that saying piss off anyone besides me?

I want to scream at them, "Do you know what kind of person I used to be???" Do you see me lying to everyone I know, sleeping with anyone who will give me the time of day, stealing from my employer (I don't mean pens here people, I mean cash, and lots of it), and not giving a fuck about any of it? Do you think that's who I am right now? NO?? Well guess what - I CHANGED.

Some people can actually do that! They can change bad habits, bad behaviors, and all kinds of other things about their lives that aren't working.

Do I believe ALL people can do this? Of course I do! I believe anyone that wants to change, can, with the right tools. (And a bunch of other stuff like motivation and inspiration and maybe some help, but that's not the point here.)

Do I believe all people will change bad behaviors/habits? Fuck no. Some people just won't, and they have their reasons and I respect that.

Am I willing to attempt to find out which person Vin is? Yes.

Am I going to sacrifice what I think, what I want, what I need and who I am while attempting this discovery? Fuck no.

I also think it's important to point out that I realize people have to change themselves, by themselves, for themselves. One person cannot change another.

Okay lost my train of thought here. That just really got me going, and I had to vent.

Do I realize that whole "vent" sounds like I'm trying to justify talking to Vin? You bet I do. And you know what? I don't fucking care. I'm sick of trying to justify what I do and when and why. I'm sick of explaining. I don't need to make ANY excuses for what I do. Me talking to Vin doesn't affect any of those people - not one fucking iota. Fuck, even if we got back together (which we're not, so cool it) it still wouldn't affect them, so they need to just chill. They're not the people I call on for true advice or help when I need it - they don't know me, my story, my relationship, or my life well enough to help me.

I AM ALLOWED TO BE CONFUSED. I AM ALLOWED TO TALK TO HIM AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT IF TALKING TO HIM IS A MISTAKE - IF IT IS A MISTAKE, IT'S MINE TO MAKE. I AM ALLOWED TO FIGURE THINGS OUT, IN MY OWN TIME AND MY OWN WAY. I DO NOT HAVE TO FEEL BAD OR GUILTY FOR THIS.

Yes, I really believed on Friday (and all weekend for that matter) that I had crossed a line that couldn't be uncrossed, and that all contact would cease forevermore. I was wrong. Fucking sue me. I don't know everything and I don't have all the answers and for awhile, I'm just going to take it one day at a time, if that's okay with everybody.

[Update @ Noon: Maeve, I read your comment AFTER I'd typed all this; I want you to know none of this was aimed at you. My coworker just set me off, and I vented. I read your comment and was worried that you may think this was directed at you - it's not. And to answer your question about WHY I'd want to talk to him: Because I'm still in love, and I have doubt that leaving is the right answer. No, a lot of this doesn't make sense. I need to take this one day at a time for awhile. A friend told me last night he knew Vin and I would be back to talking; it was only a matter of time. He said he thinks it is the beginning of the end. I guess we'll see.]