It's not a good day

It's really not. I woke up with a charleyhorse in my calf. I should have just stayed in bed.

Now I'm at work. I've already cried three times today. Three times! Fuck.

There are days I'm so confident. Today is not that day.

I talked to Phoebe the other night. She is truly a blessing in my life. She's like me in a lot of ways. She believes there is good in everyone, no matter how deeply it may be buried. She was telling me she believes that at some point, Vin is going to leave his wife and come to be with me. I told her, "Pheebs, that's not going to happen." She insisted, "But he loves you. I could see it in him when you were together. A person can't hide that kind of love." I told her it didn't matter, because even if he did leave, that doesn't change the fact that he needs to live his life based on lies, and I just can't have that in my life - because I am a person who needs to live my life based on honesty and communication. And when I say lies, I don't mean little white lies, or shit you tell your boss to get out of work. I mean big, life changing things like, 'Ooops, forgot to mention the wife and I had a fourth kid while I was pledging to be totally honest with you'. There is no way to look at that kind of lying other than it being a big fat slap in the face. And it's not about forgiveness. It's about not being a punching bag, basically.
Me: Here - have another chance. You don't have to ask for it, I'll just give it to you because that's how much I love you and believe in you.
Him:...WHAM! Here's one for the gut! Because FUCK YOU, lady - I don't care how trusting you are and how much faith in me you have and how many chances you give me - I'm going to purposely walk all over you!

Until he understands and respects why honesty is so important to me - and agrees with it - there can be nothing. If I gave in to his way of thinking, it would mean going back to a life of deceit - and that life is not one I would ever consciously choose again.

I can't understand why that life is so important to him. I can't understand why it's better. Why it's more important than anything. I respect he has his reasons, but it doesn't hurt any less.

What REALLY fucking kills me is that when I'm feeling like I have lately - crying all the time, avoiding everyone, thinking of nothing except "How can I fix this? FUCK! I can't fix any of this!" all I want to do is run to him and talk to him about it. He is a part of me, deep down, and I couldn't tear that out of me if I wanted to. He is logical and smart and knows what to say to get me to see things from different perpsectives. He comforts me. He loves me.

Apparently, just not the way I thought he did. And definitely not as much I hoped he did - which was enough to leave his wife and be with me.

I hate it! I hate this feeling! I hate not understanding what the FUCK happened or why it has to be this way!!!! I hate his selfish short-sightedness!! I hate that everything I believed is SHIT!! I hate myself for being so stupid!!!!! But most of all, I HATE THAT I CAN'T TURN TO HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!