Hi. I'm a non-smoker. Apparently.

SO yeah...still not smoking. Pisses me off. Want nothing more than a cigarette right now. I feel robbed by the fact that I didn't get to have that "last smoke" before quitting. It's like having sex with your significant other knowing you're going to break up the next day. One. Last. Time.

Fuck, I bitch about everything.

Whatthefuckever; that's why you love me. Or at least why you read me. I'm like a damn train wreck.

You can't. Look. Away.

Obsessed with the periods I am. It's my blog; I'll type annoyingly if I like.

Let's see - no news, really. My illness is better but not quite gone. I'm irritated and thankful all at the same time. I'm worried that when it no longer feels like I'm breathing under water, I'll try to smoke a cigarette, and this would all be time wasted and that makes no sense. If I haven't smoked a cig by now, I may as well keep it this way, regardless of how I got here. So I decided I'm going to "Use The Force" to keep me from smoking once I'm totally well.

Yes, as in, "Use the force, Luke" or "May the force be with you."

Dude! I totally believe in "The Force" so shut up.

ANYWAY - my plan is that I'm going to meditate (in my own, special way) and convince myself that no matter the circumstances, if, at any point in the future, I attempt to smoke a cigarette (and inhale), I will become horrifically, violently ill. I will choke, cough, gag, sputter, piss my pants, and risk possible accidental defecation - or at least possible "sharting." (When you click the link, read the very first quote on that page.)

I truly, truly believe that if I tell myself this, it will become fact. Or "fact" as my mind/body perceive it. Shit, I've told myself some fucked up stuff and believe THAT - so why not do the same thing with smoking? I believe I can convince myself of just about anything if I'm determined enough, and I've decided to be THAT determined about smoking cigs, so I don't have to go through this again.

Because smoking cigarettes is just fucked up and retarded, and we all know it - smokers and non-smokers alike. None of us can dispute the mountains of medical evidence proving that smoking will kill you - and if it doesn't kill you, it'll at least make you unbearably sick at some point. So is it worth it? My instinct here is to shout FUCK YEAH!!! til the cows come home, but logic has to take over on this one. I know damn well it's no good and no matter how good it tastes or how much it soothes me (under a variety of circumstances too numerous to mention) and makes me feel great - I know I must give it up.

As I told Chris the other day when she said, "Don't you want to smoke?" - Yes. YES I WANT TO SMOKE. I will want to smoke every single day of the rest of my life. I never want to quit. I fucking LOVE IT. It is an addiction I love and I hate to see it come to an end.

But come to an end it must.

May the force be with me.