Okayyyyy...
Somehow, I find it pretty hard to believe I managed to blog last night. Hi! Drunk much?? Ummmm....yeah.
Today is Jake's birthday; he turned 10. There's another thing I find hard to believe - that 10 whole years have passed. It seems like a million years ago and it seems like yesterday. I remember how sickeningly hot it was. (Being a Midwestern girl, I had no clue the East Coast could be THAT hot in July.) I remember being induced into labor. Being drugged up. Being alone - just me and some doctors and nurses. I remember how scared I was before I had him. Scared of what labor was going to be like. Scared of whether or not I was strong enough to do it. Scared of what it would be like to hand him to the beautiful couple I chose to raise him. Right after he was born, they asked me if I wanted to hold him. I asked if he had two arms, two legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes. They said yes. I said, "Then I don't need to hold him to know he's alright." They understood.
I believed at the time (and still do) that there is a special bonding that happens between a mother and her baby in the moments after he's born, and I couldn't risk what might have happened if I'd held him just then. I knew I had to let him go, and I believed (and still do) that if I held him, that bond might have tried to overpower my decision to give him a better life than what I could provide.
I've talked about the guilt before, so there's no need to rehash. It's subsiding and changing the way things do over time.
I normally get pictures and a letter from his parents this time of year; they haven't come yet. My moving probably screwed things up (I think the post office only forwards for like 3 months or something) and I haven't found the paperwork I need in order to contact the agency's office and give them my new address.
Timmy (Jake's dad) was disappointed today when I saw him - he was hoping the pics would have been here by now, too. (Incidentally, Timmy and his wife and kids are my best friends/neighbors that recently moved out of my apartment building.) I like that we're still close (emotionally) and that he understands it's important for me to see him on Jake's birthday. (The only year he REALLY fucked it up was when Jake turned 4 - he picked that day to tell me he'd asked his now wife to marry him. Let's just say he regretted that move.) But I digress. (What? Me?)
I believe Jake is a happy, healthy, beautiful kid, and I know he's where he should be. I hope his birthday is filled with all the joy a 10 year old kid can have on a hot July day. I'm thinking of him today, as always...my heart bursting with love.
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Today is Jake's birthday; he turned 10. There's another thing I find hard to believe - that 10 whole years have passed. It seems like a million years ago and it seems like yesterday. I remember how sickeningly hot it was. (Being a Midwestern girl, I had no clue the East Coast could be THAT hot in July.) I remember being induced into labor. Being drugged up. Being alone - just me and some doctors and nurses. I remember how scared I was before I had him. Scared of what labor was going to be like. Scared of whether or not I was strong enough to do it. Scared of what it would be like to hand him to the beautiful couple I chose to raise him. Right after he was born, they asked me if I wanted to hold him. I asked if he had two arms, two legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes. They said yes. I said, "Then I don't need to hold him to know he's alright." They understood.
I believed at the time (and still do) that there is a special bonding that happens between a mother and her baby in the moments after he's born, and I couldn't risk what might have happened if I'd held him just then. I knew I had to let him go, and I believed (and still do) that if I held him, that bond might have tried to overpower my decision to give him a better life than what I could provide.
I've talked about the guilt before, so there's no need to rehash. It's subsiding and changing the way things do over time.
I normally get pictures and a letter from his parents this time of year; they haven't come yet. My moving probably screwed things up (I think the post office only forwards for like 3 months or something) and I haven't found the paperwork I need in order to contact the agency's office and give them my new address.
Timmy (Jake's dad) was disappointed today when I saw him - he was hoping the pics would have been here by now, too. (Incidentally, Timmy and his wife and kids are my best friends/neighbors that recently moved out of my apartment building.) I like that we're still close (emotionally) and that he understands it's important for me to see him on Jake's birthday. (The only year he REALLY fucked it up was when Jake turned 4 - he picked that day to tell me he'd asked his now wife to marry him. Let's just say he regretted that move.) But I digress. (What? Me?)
I believe Jake is a happy, healthy, beautiful kid, and I know he's where he should be. I hope his birthday is filled with all the joy a 10 year old kid can have on a hot July day. I'm thinking of him today, as always...my heart bursting with love.
posted by AmyVegas at
7/12/2005 05:55:00 PM
