The Past: 3/5/07

Originally written 3/15/07:

You know, journal [blog, now], I can't be honest with anyone but you.

All I want to do is eat and drink. To excess. Every day. All the time.

I love eating things that taste great and clog my arteries. And I definitely LOVE getting drunk. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd go to work drunk. Hell, I'd be a lot more pleasant if I showed up to work drunk, that's for sure.

Drunk...is the only time I really FEEL. The only way I can cry is when I'm drunk. When I'm not drunk, I have to put on the "I'm okay" face and even when I'm alone, I'm still somehow in that mode.

I don't know why Vin left me. I will never know why. I only know that nothing is right when he's gone. Nothing.

I. am. lost.

Please don't let my mom die right now. I need her.
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2/11/08

Okay that last thing about my mom probably doesn't make sense, so here's the scoop. Well, I'll back up for a sec so I can give you the whole picture.

In December (2007), my Grandpa died - my last living grandparent. If I'm being honest, it wasn't all that upsetting to me. Long story made short because I just don't care enough to bother - he was a dick. But it upset my mom; it was her dad.

We had to wait to bury him because he was being buried at the National Cemetery because he was a Vet, which ended up being in January. After the ceremony at the cemetery, we went to lunch and my mom told the family she has breast cancer. In February (2007) she had a mastectomy, followed by chemo, followed by radiation. She's doing quite well now, but I was pretty worried for a time there. We've never been terribly close, so for me to say "I need her" isn't really true...I just needed her not to die.

Also in January (2007), my cat died. Then two days later my brother left for basic training, leaving me alone in the house for about 4 months. That's when my drinking REALLY took off.