The Past - 4/22/07

Originally written 4/22/07

[editor's note...I was completely drunk when I wrote this...]

I never feel like writing. Partiall because writing by hand is a royal pain in the ass. Partially because it's easier to just ignore what I think and how I feel than it is to write about it and have to consider what's in my head.

It's almost ironic, if you think about it...most people drink to numb everything. To ignore, to forget, to fade away from life...but it's the very opposite for me. When I'm drunk, all my emotions come out - the ones I have to mask in order to function at work every day. When I'm drunk, my mind opens and I drop the walls and the guard and I FEEL. I cry. A LOT of crying. I am sad and angry and totally affected in every possible way about Vin's death.

He left me. He took himself away. WHY? Why him? Why me??

I KNOW!!! I know it's random in a non-random way. I understand how God fits into all of this and it's not God I'm angry with. I know this is the way it is. It's all just a little too complex for me.

That's harder to accept than any other part or aspect of any of it.

I'm slowing down on my drinking. [ed. note: She said as she took another shot.] I've been the equivalent of an alcoholic for the last few months. My peak has come over the last few weeks - it escalated to 6-7 nights a week - drunk. DRUNK. It's become an addiction. An obsession. And I refuse to tell anyone - ANYONE - just how much or how often I drink. No one. Because I'm not ready to end it and because I TRULY believe I am still in control of this. I will know when I am not.

And yes, I do realize this is addict behavior. I'm okay with that right now. I'll be done drinking when I'm ready to be done drinking. And that's that.