Me

I have been refusing to post. I feel like even if I could muster up enough words to make a coherent post, they wouldn't be what I truly think or feel.

Too many people that I know in real life read this blog. Which is no one's fault but my own. They didn't stumble upon this blog - I gave them the link. My need for comfort, my need for validation, my need for sympathy and my pride ("see how well I can write?!" "see how fun my sex stories are?!") all got in the way of what I wanted this blog to be, deep down.

I don't know where to go with it.

I need an outlet where I can truly write what I think and feel, eloquence be damned.

I don't want to give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of what I've written, nor do I want to be held responsible for writing what I want. I don't want anyone, especially Vin, to be able to take my words and turn them against me as has happened in the past.

I want to be able to fling it all out there and let the pieces fall where they may, and have the right to do a complete about-face with my thoughts and contradict myself whenever I want.

I want to write about my frustration and my pain and my naughty fantasies and sex. I want to not care that this blog has no direction and that every once in awhile I throw out some post about my brother and how crazy I think he is. In short - I don't want to give a fuck that you, the reader, think I'm stupid or crazy or BORING.

So I feel I'm down to two options.

One - turn off comments. They have at times lifted my spirits - at other times felt like judgement. Except for that Dave freak, no one has ever intentionally commented here in a rude, offensive, or particularly judgemental fashion, but I have felt often as if I'm being judged, nonetheless. Pretty much everyone who has ever commented here has done so in a very thoughtful, kind, "we just have your best interests at heart" manner - and for this, I am eternally grateful. However. I have found that my need to please and my need to be liked are too easily influenced by such comments. If someone tells me I'm too good for Vin and deserve better and just dump his lying ass, I find that when I post after that, I try to make it sound as if I'm attempting to sever ties with him or change my behavior or whatever. I don't mean to say that I lie - I mean to say that I tip the hand in my favor by carefully wording or leaving things out, in order to put me in a better light. While I have appreciated advice left here, I'm not sure it's worth the price I'm paying by not writing what I truly want to write. I would, however, still leave my email address available so that people could email feedback to me - I would just make it clear that I would not feel any obligation to A) take their advice and B) respond.

(I interrupt myself now just to say I'm not sure any of this is making sense, but I don't care - it is time to stop writing for you. This blog was supposed to be about me as I am, not the me I think you want to read about.)

Two - taking down this blog for good, and starting a new blog no one will know about or find. (Which would make the sex stories totally irrelevant - if no one is reading, there's no need to post things for sheer entertainment value.)

I have to think about it.

My brother

I have calmed down since my last post.

If I am honest with myself, it is not confusion that fueled my post about my brother, but anger.

Angry that I don't know him, but want to, and don't know how to establish a relationship with him as I know he is clearly disinterested in such a thing.

Angry that I think recruiters are brain-washing him, because this is the first time in our 30-odd years together on this earth that I've ever heard him talk about what amounts to "patriotism."

Angry that he's about to (if he gets in) go off and get himself killed for something I don't believe in - and what really burns me is that he won't tell me WHY he believes in it.

Angry that ANYONE has to go off and get themselves killed.

Yes, my last post contained the contradiction of me saying at the beginning that he's a seemingly happy person and then I went on to describe him as basically the opposite. He does SEEM happy to me - I'm just making relatively uneducated guesses at his unhappiness, because that's the only reason that made sense to me as to why someone would purposely run off to kill themselves. I see now that it is possible that he really does believe he is fighting for our freedom or WHATEVER and that it is just my anger that keeps me from seeing that as anything other than completely psychotic.