It's hard to know what to say about all the words that have been exchanged about me recently between Stevie and TheSpartan (aka Vin, aka Him, aka my love/boyfriend).

I understand where Stevie's coming from, and I truly appreciate her intentions...especially considering I've never met her in person. She sees me as the little sister she never had. And if you know anything about Stevie, then you know what a compliment that is. If you don't know anything about Stevie, here's some background...in general, Stevie doesn't usually get along with or have much affection for other women. I think she mostly sees them like I do, which (not to be too offensive here) is pretty much a pain in the ass. I've always gotten along better with men than women - in fact most of my close friends that have stayed with me through the years are men. The women seem to come and go. But that's not really what this is about, anyway.

Stevie believes I am putting myself in harm's way, and following a path that will lead to certain heartbreak. As I understand it, she has been in similar situations with similar men, and the result has been nothing but pain and heartache. I can see that she is trying to keep me from having to go through the same shit she's gone through. Believe me, I appreciate it. I really do. It is beyond flattering that someone I don't even really know wants to try to help me avoid pain and sadness in my life. I like that she speaks her mind about shit, and calls it like she sees it. I like that she's not delicate or indirect or a pussy about things. I can relate to that. I like that she wants me to see things from different sides, and I like that quite often her comments give me perspective and show me something that I hadn't realized myself.

However, it doesn't necessarily mean I completely agree with her assessment of the situation and it's proposed outcome.

Sometimes, it's just impossible for me to explain why I see things, life, people, whatever the way I do. I was talking with a friend the other night, and I said "Jesus, I just realized something really fucked up about me. How is it that I can have such a pessimistic, negative view of myself, and such an optimistic, positive view of everyone else in my life?? I'm like a twisted version of Mother Theresa or some fucking thing." He laughed a bit...but then admitted he had just been thinking the exact same thing right before I said it.

I don't know. I don't know how or why - it's just an ingrained thing. It's just in my nature to believe in people, to see the good in them, to have faith even after I maybe shouldn't. It hasn't always worked out for me...but deep down, I believe it WILL.

That's a lot of how I see Vin. Yes, he was an idiot for not telling me from the beginning he was married - yes, that was wrong. BUT...that doesn't mean that he is ALL bad or ALL wrong. There are so many other things that I love about him and so many other good things in him, that I just refuse to believe that just because he made a stupid mistake I should cut him loose. To me, that just doesn't fucking make sense.

Especially when I look back on my own life and think about the terrible mistakes I've made. There are times when people were damned justified in not forgiving me; not giving me another chance. But there were other times that I know for a fact that if they had just waited, just let me prove myself, just let me TRY, that things could have worked out or at least been very different.

Since finding out that he is still married, we have had some of the most deep, personal conversations we've had in all the time I've known him. I made a lot of demands on him right after I found out, and made it clear that I wasn't going to allow even ONE more indiscretion; even ONE more lie. I made it clear that if he wanted to continue to be a part of my life, he was going to have to work his fucking ass off to earn my trust back, and he was going to have to go out of his way for me. I told him to really think about it, and make sure that he really wanted this, because it wasn't going to be an easy road.

He has done every single thing I have asked of him, and then some. There were things I didn't mention that he'd have to put up with, like my being suspicious of his motives on a regular basis, my paranoia, my constant questions about how things are going at home, and my need to know every little thing that's going on, all...the...time.

I refuse to believe that he would be going through all of this if his intentions weren't honorable at this point. I mean think about it. He's over 600 miles away. He only sees me once every 4-6 weeks. If he wanted to, he could disappear forever and there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it. So given that option, why would he be putting in as much effort as he is, if he didn't love me as much as he says he does? That would make no sense.

I am not naive enough to think that everything is just wonderful, and that he will never make a mistake again and that everything from here on out will just be smooth sailing. I'm 31, not 13. I am skeptical to a point, and when my gut starts telling me that something is amiss, I pay attention now instead of ignoring it like I did before. I ask questions. If I don't like the answer, I ask more questions. I ask until I understand.

Vin and I have talked endlessly about his situation, and what our options are. We BOTH decided that it will take one year's time to try to line things up for us to be in a position to be together. He needs to save money, needs to work on things with his wife and kids, and needs to get settled in a new job in a new town. I am trapped in a one year lease. Beyond that, I need one year's time. I need him to keep building up my trust for him. I need him to show me that he's really as committed as he says he is. I need to know that even under bad, un-ideal conditions, that our relationship can survive. I can't think of a more trying test than the one placed before us.

I appreciate all of you who have commented, and who look out for me and the fact that this relationship might not work out. I appreciate that none of you want me to be hurt anymore than I already have. Thank you. Not just for caring, but for keeping me on my toes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STEVIE...

Go give Stevie some love on her birthday, y'all.

Friday's Quote

"Fuckit. My head's too full of other crap to think of something good." ~AmyVegas, uttered aloud (albeit under my breath) at my desk at work just now.

Hmmm what to write what to write what to write.

Nothing exciting happening. I've been feeling somewhat un-sexual lately, so I haven't really been in the mood to talk about the "firsts" that he and I had the last time I saw him.

Work is, as always, crapola.

Home life is....well, as to be expected. Not much really changes at home. Jodie (my roomie) is her usual self - motherly, slightly lazy, somewhat condescending, and in a constant state of disapproval of my still talking to HIM. Life would be so much easier for both of us if I just let her run my life and did whatever she wanted me to. Oddly, that's not going to happen.

Got new neighbors recently. My ex b/f (the father of the son that I placed for adoption; the guy that was my first true love) and his wife and kids moved in just down the hall from my apartment. It's been interesting. That's a weird situation in and of itself, and a lot more background information would need to be blogged about. Hm...maybe I'll get to that one of these days. He's my first heartbreak and vice-versa, so I guess it's a story worth telling. Plus, as it gets closer to my son's birthday, I realize that I've never really blogged much about that, and I think it would be theraputic. I still harbor guilt about the whole situation, so maybe writing about it would be a good thing.

It's almost April 30, which is the date that I first started talking to him one year ago. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have done it all? You bet your fucking ass I would. For a multitude of reasons.

Hopefully, I'll have something more interesting to blog about tomorrow.

Kisses.

It's just...

you seem so far away.

In lieu of "Friday's Quote", I give you lyrics.


Never Felt This Way (interlude) Lyrics
by Alicia Keys

ahhhh...
ahhhhhhhh...

There will never come a day
You will ever hear me say
That I want
Or need to be without you
I wanna give my all

Baby just hold me
Simply control me
Because your arms, they keep away the lonelies
When I look into your eyes
Then I realize
All I need is you in my life
All I need is you in my life

Cause I never felt this way about lovin ...Nooooo
Never felt so good..baby
Never felt this way about love
And it feels so good

Okay, until I get a better blog layout, I'm done with stupid "titles". They look fucking retarded now, because they don't appear above the post. So fuck 'em.

There is nothing more disappointing during my work day than the following scenario. I use Outlook Express for my non-work mail. Every time I have new mail, the little mail symbol pops up on my toolbar (? or whatever that bar is called), next to my clock. I get all excited because I think to myself "Oh! I wonder if it's from him!" only to discover that it's just some lame newsletter or some fucking thing.

Today would be a good day for me to have a punching bag around. I REALLY FUCKING NEED ONE.

Sorry

Was going to post more today, but I can't. I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I'm tired.

I'm sick of the games, but as sick as I am, I can't seem to stop myself from playing into them. (No, I don't start them. Yes, I realize that once they're started I should ignore them...but it's like a car wreck. I. Can't. Turn. Away.)

I have tears on the edge of flowing down my cheeks. I refuse to let them flow.

Thanks

A humble thanks to all of those that left comments recently. I appreciate your support. I appreciate you.

Ahhhh...

Just what I needed. A lovely, wonderful, relaxing, sexual weekend with my love. My ass is bruised, my pussy slightly sore, and every muscle in my body is worn out. It was absolutely wonderful. We shared a couple of 'firsts'...but I don't feel up to sharing the intimate details just yet.

Another delightful aspect was that I didn't need seatbelt extensions for any of my flights. I was thrilled.

There is the matter of this nastiness going on in my comments that should probably be addressed first. I was going to ignore it, and not dignify any of it with a response...but I changed my mind. For a few days, I considered taking comments off of here altogether...but I have decided I really don't want to do that. There have been more times than not that I've gotten really positive, constructive, thought-provoking comments, and I believe that outweighs the negative, destructive comments that I've received as of late.

There is a story behind why Dave is being the way he is in my comments. I have chosen not to go into the details of it here for several reasons - but mostly because I don't feel it necessary to verbally assault him in a public forum the way he has recently done to me. I have never intentionally hurt or harmed him in any way, and I don't see his behavior as a reason to start...yet. I am hoping this situation can be resolved in a more adult manner than by flinging vicious insults back and forth like monkeys fling feces...but that is up to Dave.

I appreciate The Spartan's comments on my behalf. (He is, after all, the man I love and I adore that he would take an active role in standing up for me.) As an FYI to the rest of you - I never asked him to step to my defense, nor did I expect it. The reason I point that out is that although y'all may have your reasons for thinking negatively of me or my behavior, I would rather that you didn't also think that I can't fight my own battles, and need him to come to my rescue as soon as the going gets tough.

I have a very honest and open blog...the things I write here are frequently very personal. I make no apologies for what I've written or what I will write in the future, any more than I make apologies for who I am or what I do or what I think or feel. Some of you hate me for it; some of you love me for it. I force no one to read me; near as I can figure, if you're one of the ones that hate me for it, you just won't come back.

This is not to say that people can't make negative comments or say things I disagree with. Quite the opposite, in fact. Say whatever you want - that's why they're called comments. If you feel you must follow in Dave's footsteps and flame me for who I am or what I do - I won't try to stop you. But I do ask that you think carefully before you speak, and be sure you are saying what you really want to say - not just being rude for the sake of being rude.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Good News, Bad News

Well, the good news is, I'm not going to have to drive to see my love. He got me a flight, instead. :) Yay! The bad news is, I have to fly...and that means dealing with the dreaded airline seatbelt issue. I have to go through the humiliation of one of two options...either humbling myself to ask a flight attendant for an extension...or suffering through the looks I will get from people who DO fit in their seatbelts, wondering why the fuck I can't get mine to fit around my pillowy midsection. Asking a flight attendant for an extension is the lesser of two evils...usually they're really understanding about it and discretely get one for me without making a big deal out of it. It's definitely better than the looks I've gotten in the past when I'm unable to buckle my seatbelt...it's a mix of disgust and pity. Sigh.

Like things aren't hard enough for plus-size people anyway, the airlines have to go and make things worse by having seatbelts that only "average" sized people can use. Hey! Airline Industry! Fucking Newsflash - most of us aren't "average size" anymore. Don't these people ever watch the news? With a disturbing frequency, people are reporting (like it's news!) that more and more Americans are obese or on their way. So why then is it that nothing in our culture seems to have caught up with that? I still can't go to Target and find 3X clothing (they used to carry it but don't anymore) and their female "Plus Size" section is A) tiny and B) full of shit my dead grandmother wouldn't wear. HELLO - who the fuck wears housedresses (or as I affectionately refer to them - moo moo's) anymore? Whatever, I could go on but even I don't care enough about this subject to go on a decent rant.

Think good things for me, dear readers, as I suffer through asking for the damned seatbelt extension 4 times in the next 3 days (I change planes in Chicago).

Oh, yea...Phoebe bunked out on road-tripping it with me. Too much on her plate, I guess. Oh well. Not a gigantic loss...although the three of us would have had much fun, having alone time with him is even better. I expect nothing less than to be suffering from a bruised ass and a sore pussy on Monday when I return. Good Times!!

Missing him

I miss him. I miss everything that comes with being in close physical proximity to the one you deeply love. I never realized how much I would miss being around him...nor did I realize how frequently I took for granted the time we did get to spend together.

I'm going to see him this weekend. It's a long drive. Speaking of which...can anyone explain this to me? I live in Minnesota; he's in St. Louis. It's widely accepted that the shortest distance between two points is a (say it with me) Straight Line. So one would think that driving straight down from Minn through Iowa and down through Missouri would be the quickest route, being that it seems to be the most direct. As it turns out, several different online driving directions have informed me that going through Wisconsin and then through Illinois and on to Missouri is faster. The thing I find most curious about all this, is that the driving directions in the first scenario (MN, IA, MO) create less actual miles driven (average was about 548 or so) but the longest travel time (some said over 10 hours). The MN, WI, IL route claims an average of just over 600 miles, with a drive time of between 8 1/2 and 9 hours. Huh??

Good thing I'm not a trucker. That shit's totally confusing.

At any rate. My female friend that I get to fool around with occasionally may be accompanying me on my adventure. Okay this is stupid - I've written sex stories about her twice and mentioned her in passing a few times...she officially needs a name. Let's call her Phoebe. She's pretty and silly and smart and good and honest...and one of the best friends a person could EVER ask for - just like Phoebe on 'Friends'. There's a tiny chance she won't be able to make it, but I'm crossing my fingers. Not just because she'd be a great road-trip buddy...but also because of all the yummy fun the three of us could have! Cross your fingers for me!

Grrrrrr...

See, I re-read my post from earlier today, and I hate it. It doesn't convey what I wanted to say at ALL.

Here's the thing. Often on this blog, I vent and bitch and rant and get things off my chest. Things I can't or won't or don't want to say to him. The problem with that is, I often (if not always) present a very one-sided picture of him and our relationship because you are mostly hearing about my frustration or anger or whatever - not my happiness or joy.

I am not unhappy with him. I am frustrated and unhappy with the SITUATION, yes. But HE makes me happy. I have forgiven the fact that he lied. He has gone out of his way to do things that make him uncomfortable (such as expressing his feelings and being an open communicator) to show me how he truly feels about me. Yes, there are times when he's just a little shit and I could kick him in the shins, but more often than not, our conversations are good and happy and loving and full of talk about our future.

His April Fool's day thing really pissed me off, but I didn't want to vent that on him which is why I vented it here. (Hence my saying "Okay, I just need to get this off my chest so I can stop being even slightly irritated about it.") I know he honestly didn't mean anything by it - he just has an extremely twisted sense of humor at times. More often than not, that same sense of humor has me laughing my fucking ass off.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! FUCK IT. I really can't seem to get the words the way I want them today, and right now it's really pissing me off. I'll try again tomorrow.

Suffice it to say - he's not a bad guy. He doesn't want to leave but "just doesn't know how". Things are better than I often make them out to be, but I don't always put that in writing here.

Screw this, I'm going home.

What can I say?

I don't know. I've been thinking of how to respond to my comments from April 2nd's post for almost two days, and I still don't know exactly what I want to say.

Everyone that commented on that post has a very valid point. If I were anyone but me, I'd probably say the same things they did. But there's more to it than that. The problem is, every time I think about trying to explain why I disagree with those comments, I wind up sounding like I'm rationalizing the situation and/or defending him.

Maybe it is unreasonable to have the amount of faith in him and us that I do. Maybe I'm being short sighted, or turning a blind eye, but I really do not believe that I am. We have had so many upfront, open, and honest conversations about our situation, that I refuse to believe he wouldn't have taken at least one of those opportunities to end it if that is what he really wanted. I have asked him directly on more than one occasion if he wanted out. I've rephrased it, reworded it, repeated it. Every time, his answer is an unwavering "no." If he really wanted out as much as it looks to most of you like he does, doesn't it seem reasonable that he would have taken at least ONE of those opportunities to just say so?

I think that the times I get the most crazy about him and the things he does are in large part due to the fact that I can't always just call and talk to him to get a clear understanding of what the hell he's trying to say or do. It's no one's fault - there just isn't a lot of time for us to be truly "alone" on the phone together. Work (for both of us) and family (for him) get in the way of that being possible to do at the drop of a hat. Which is why I frequently blog and bitch - to get it off my chest, to vent, to get perspective, to calm down. By the time I do get to speak to him about whatever's bugging me, I like to be able to discuss it in a rational manner, not just whine, bitch, or complain about something that has me upset. Especially considering that many of our disagreements stem from simple miscommunications or misunderstandings. (I've said it before, I'll say it again...sometimes the written word just can't convey tone and meaning the way one intends.)

I know for a fact there are times when he is going just as crazy as I am about this whole thing. He's torn between wanting to hold onto me as tightly as possible and wanting to set me free "for my own good". He knows he can treat me the way I deserve to be treated and give me everything I want and need and knows I can and will do the same in return...but also knows that it is going to be a long time before either of us can truly take advantage of that....and how fair is that to either of us? I could go on and on, but you get the point. I think often that when he's acting out (ie, trying to get me to break up with him, etc.) it is just because he feels that by staying with me, he is doing me a disservice. It makes sense to me. I totally understand where he's coming from. And I am starting to truly understand that it isn't always easy for him to express what he's thinking or feeling or going through. Sometimes, he simply can't. It doesn't mean he's changed his mind or that things are suddenly the exact opposite of what we've talked about...it usually just means that he's frustrated and can't figure out how to tell me about it.

I don't know. This had a point when I started, but I've lost track. I guess what I'm trying to say is Thank You to all of you for your care and concern and advice. I always consider what other people have to say about my situation. It keeps my head in the game and doesn't let me turn the blind eye that I sometimes want to. But don't be offended if I don't heed your suggestions. It doesn't mean I don't value your opinions or advice....it simply means I'm going to do it my way, and use this blog to express myself along the way.

Sick

Okay, I just need to get this off my chest so I can stop being even slightly irritated about it.

Sometimes, my boyfriend is one sick puppy. (For anyone who's read my blog for awhile, you know this is a given. But I really do mean that in an endearing sort of way.) So you know how I have huge insecurities about my relationship, right? You don't? Here, I'll give you the Reader's Digest version.

We dated for 8 months before I found out he'd been lying to me the whole time and is actually still married...and came to also find out he has three kids, not just the two he told me about. Sometime in the 6th month, he officially decided he was taking a job out of state, but he lied to me for about 2 months about that - himming and hawing about whether or not he wanted to move, etc., and in the end he wound up telling me he was NOT taking the job and was going to stay here. It was only after I found out about the still being married thing that he (after I forced it out of him) admitted to being committed to moving 700 miles away (and taking his wife and kids with him, of course.) Of course, by the time all of these truths came to light, I was so totally and completely in love with him and convinced we were meant to be together that all I wanted to do was forgive him and move on. After slapping him as hard as I could (spraining a finger in the process) across the face, of course. (I swear to God, I am not normally a violent person...well, not violent against other living things, anyway....but dammit, I was PISSED.) After many, many, MANY serious and "let's get it all out in the open" type conversations, we decided that this relationship is worth persuing, and are going to try to do the long-distance thing. Naturally, given the way everything has happened, coupled with the fact that I'm not an overly confident person in the first place, I have a lot of insecurities about things. Plus the fact that he has, on several occasions, made mention of and tried to break up with me. Just two days ago we had a conversation about breaking up. He thinks he's not being fair to me, I deserve more attention and deserve to have someone that can be here with me full time, and he says he thinks I would be happier if I just left him and went out and found somebody else.

Side note: I think he thinks things really work this way. Like I could just leave and go out and get myself a new boyfriend tomorrow or something. Ha! It took me over 3 years of being single to find HIM, what on EARTH makes him think I could just start over like that? And what's more, why the hell does he think I'd WANT to? If I can forgive him and want to be with him even though he's not going to get divorced any time soon, why the hell would I break up w/him over a measly thing like distance??

Anyway. I told him that wasn't going to happen. I don't want to leave him. I am in love, and I truly believe that although this isn't the most ideal situation right now, I do believe that it is worth going through to get to the part where we end up together. I told him (basically) that he wasn't going to change my mind and if he wanted out he needed to say so. I also said "enough talking about breaking up for awhile, okay?" to which he agreed.

Now for the sick puppy part. His idea of an April Fools' joke yesterday was to make me think he was going to break up with me. Via email. Only after I wrote him back telling him I was in tears did he give in to it being an April Fools' thing. Then he made fun of the fact that he was preying on my doubts and insecurities. His only defense? "I warned you April was coming. You need to pay more attention." Sick. Sick, I tell you.

Alright, I'm over it. I just really needed to vent that. I know he didn't mean anything by it, and that he did, in fact, think it was pretty humorous. He was even kind of mad that it only took me about 2 emails back and forth before I was in tears - he said I "ruined" his fun. ::Sigh::

I really truly honestly love him, and am very much in love with him. But some days, he really makes me crazy.

Friday's Quote

"Beware the man who tells you he is not good enough for you; he's right." ~ ? I have no idea who said this, but I refuse to believe I'm clever enough to have made it up.

Who knows where all thoughts in our head come from? I'm too big of a pothead to remember all that shit. I just know that this "quote" or whatever it is, struck me as I was driving home last night.

I heard "Take It Easy" by the Eagles on the radio, and it reminded me of an old friend from highschool. Every time we heard this on the radio, he used to belt it out at the top of his lungs...and he had a fairly sexy singing voice. He was extremely good looking, in a Sebastian Bach kind of way, was really sweet and had a marvelous sense of humor...but he had issues; the intensity and variety of which I was never privy to. He used to constantly tell his girlfriend that he wasn't good enough for her. She used to constantly reassure him that he was good enough, and she loved him as he was. But eventually, he wore her down. He'd said it one too many times over the course of one too many years, and she finally got sick of the whole bullshit routine of trying to build up his confidence and self-esteem. She got sick of repeating the same things she'd said to him dozens, maybe hundreds of times. She decided that he was right - if he wasn't going to do anything to change what he didn't like about himself (even if it was only his mindset that needed the fine-tuning) she wasn't going to do it for him. With that, she left.

I was friends with her also (not close - more of a "friend of a friend" kind of way) and I saw her not long after their break up. As all of us girls all sat around talking about boyfriends and men and all that shit, it was decided then and there that any man who ever tells us he isn't good enough for us, quite simply, isn't. And we should run without delay to the nearest exit to save ourselves from the agony of falling in love with a man who, while probably is good enough, will never have the forsight to see himself this way, and in the end will likely only drive us insane. It was at that time that the above quote was discussed/brought up. I don't know if someone was quoting or being clever, but either way, it's stuck with me.

A lack of sex...

Can really make a naughty girl overly horny. Lately, I've been masturbating quite a bit more than usual...I'm guessing it's because it's coming up on 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I know it's likely going to be at least another 3 before I get to see him again. It's not so much the time that's gone by that bothers me...it's the idea of how long it's going to be before we're together again. And it's not just the sexual aspect of it all...but for the purposes of this post, let's assume it is.

I'm surprised to learn that I miss being manhandled and fucked hard and fast more than I miss his tender love making. I miss him grabbing me by my hair, pulling it hard, then shoving me face-down onto the bed. I miss him kissing me roughly and biting my lip. I miss wrestling around with him (knowing I'm going to be full of bruises the next day) until he finally pins me down with all his weight and won't let me up. I miss the feel of his hand around my throat, squeezing tighter and tighter until I really can't breath. I miss him slapping me across the face and feeling the delicious sting.

And oh god how I miss his spankings! I love when he commands me to lie face down on the bed naked and wait for him. I love that he takes his time coming to me...circling the bed...carefully selecting which implement he'd like to start with. I love the way he works my ass over with the belt. (NOT the braided belt - I HATE that one! That one hurts like a motherfucker!! That one should be for punishment only.) I love that he works up into it...starting with slow, firm strokes across my ass...slowly increasing the speed and power. I love that he knows exactly how to do it to make me the wettest. Then he'll switch to the hairbrush, taking long, hard strokes until I start to bruise. By that time, I'm squirming and sweating and practically begging to be fucked. Instead of giving in to my wish...he takes out the flogger, and goes to town with that for awhile to finish me off.

Okayyyyy totally lost my train of thought. I'm too worked up. Excuse me while I go give myself a little relief in the ladies room. Maybe I'll be back....