Little House

Didja ever watch Little House on the Prairie? I did when I was a kid - all the time. Thought it was awesome. Oh screw you, what did I know - I was just a kid!

About a week ago, I was up super late - like 3 or 4 a.m. late, and happened to catch part of an episode. Mary was dating some dude (pre-blind Mary) and he got this chance to go away to school on a scholarship or some fucken thing. But he was in love with Mary, so he didn't want to go. He decided he'd just stay on the farm and marry her and create a life that way, blah blah blah. It took Mary a couple days (and a good sit-down talk with her Ma) to realize that if he stayed, he'd be staying for her and essentially denying himself the opportunity for greatness. (Okay okay, so it's not word for word - but that was the gist of the story.) So Mary tells him he has to go and he can't stay there with her and deny himself a 'real' future, blah blah blah.

The point I got from that was this:

At what point are you holding someone back?
How do you know?

If Vin tells me he thinks I'm better off w/out him, and that he's holding me back from things, is it my duty to leave him?

If I stay with him, am I holding HIM back?? Is it possible that maybe - just maybe - I'm a burden to HIS life and THAT is what he's been trying to say? That things for him would be easier (considering he's moving and taking a new job and that's a lot of pressure and stress) if all he had to worry about was himself?

I hope not. But sometimes, it's really confusing.

I wonder what I'm doing.

I don't know if this post is wrong or right or if I should or shouldn't say it but it was on my mind and I had to get it out and let it go. Sometimes, the best thing for me to do is just say things and get them off my chest and out of my mind...and just let....them....go.

I trust that he loves me enough to say what he has to say when he has to say it. I trust that he's provided me with all the information I need to make informed decisions about my....about OUR future. I trust that his love for me is strong.

I just get confused sometimes. That's all.

Thankful

Here it is, as promised...the (short but sweet) list of things I am truly thankful for.

I AM THANKFUL:

- For Vin, and all the wonders and love he has brought to my life
- To have good friends in my life – both in the tangible world, and in the virtual one
- For my family
- For finding my blood relatives, even though it meant having to find out that my Mom has passed away
- For my job – even when it’s a pain in my ass, I’m thankful to even have one
- To have enough money to pay my bills, put gas in my car, and food in my belly
- To have a nice place to live
- For my overall health and sanity (though questionable sometimes!)
- For the ability to speak, hear, smell, taste, and touch/feel
- For the ability to read, write, and continually learn
- For this blog, because it helps me in so many ways
- For a great sex life!

There are many more things, too...but this list seems great as is. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Craving a woman

See what happens? I write a simple post about shaving or not, and now I'm all hung up on pussy. I realized awhile back that it's been quite some time since I've been with a woman. It's not a problem, per se, but it is something that I've been sort of craving lately. And not because I want her to do things to me (no need - Vin eats pussy better than some dykes I know), but because I want to do things to her.

I love the feel of a woman. I love that a woman's skin is a different kind of soft than a man's. I love that lightly running my fingers over her body makes her quiver with the kind of excitement that only I can produce. I love running my hands through her hair, and the kind of reaction it elicits. I love the kind of intimacy that women share.

And I love to eat pussy. I have a female friend that I've hooked up with a number of times in the past. She has a really beautiful pussy, and one of the biggest clits I've ever seen. She lets me take my time with her. Lets me run my fingers through her long, gorgeous blonde hair. Allows me to stroke and caress her body...giving her little kisses here, little kisses there. I love the little noises she makes...a sigh, a gasp, a tiny moan as I gently kiss and flick her nipples with my tongue. I love to eat her pussy slowly, as if it were a delicacy. Kiss the insides of her smooth, creamy white thighs. Kiss her mound and then the crease between her pussy and her thighs. I like to make her wait. I tease...and then tease a little more. Then I gently part her pussy lips with the tip of my tongue, ever so slightly. She tastes like sweet nectar. I push deeper with my tongue, and her hips rise slightly to greet me. I can only tease and be slow for so long...then I have to have her. I slide my hands under her and wrap them up around the top of her thighs, burying my face in her. My tongue pressed flat and thick into her, trying not to miss an inch. I slowly lick up to her clit, and lick circles around it. She bucks her hips a little again, and I know she's ready for more. I take her clit into my mouth and begin to gently suck it, and she lets out a low, guttural, encouraging moan. She whispers "fingers" and that's all I need to hear. I take my right hand and enter her dripping pussy with one, then two fingers. My mouth is still on her clit - I'm sucking gently and simultaneously flicking her clit with my tongue. I can feel her pussy contracting tightly around my fingers, and I know it's only going to be moments until she comes. I introduce a third finger into her, and she goes nuts. I begin to thrust my fingers in and out of her...slowly at first then faster, to match her fevered panting. I hear her gasping for air between moans, and I know she's almost there. I press my face into her and push my fingers in deep and find her g-spot. She's gripping the top of my shoulder with one hand...the other is on the back of my head, pushing me down into her. I lick harder...sucking slightly and running my tongue up, down, left, right over her clit. Suddenly, I feel all the muscles in her body stiffen, and her pussy clamps tight around my fingers. I stop sucking her clit and press my tongue hard into it, moving ever so slightly. She jerks and spasms in orgasm. I stop all movement, but leave my mouth and fingers where they are. I pause, waiting for this wave to pass. Patience pays off, because in about 30 seconds, she's ready to go again. I slowly push my tongue into her clit and move my fingers ever so slightly, and she's coming again. And again. And again. She lays back hard on the bed, sweaty, exhausted...panting. She pulls at the back of my head in a motion that tells me to come up close to her...to lay with her and hold her and let her come down gently. It's delicious. I'm satisfied even more than she is.

I'll have to ask permission from Vin to indulge one of these days. I'm really craving a woman.

To shave or not to shave

Okay, I'm sure this topic has been covered about a zillion times by other bloggers, but I'm too lazy to read everyone's archives to find out what they've said. So I pose it to you, my readers. To shave or not to shave, that is the question.

I have been shaving my pubic hair since I was 19 years old. I always leave a triangle on top, but everything else from the top of my lips down is smooth as silk. I just can't have it any other way. I don't shave daily - razor burn happens if I try - but I do shave it clean at least once a week. I'd shave it more often if I were living with Vin and having sex more than once a week, but the need hasn't presented itself yet.

So I'm wondering...guys, girls, everyone in between...do you shave? Do you trim? Does your partner like it or care or even notice?

I personally like when Vin trims down there (nothing worse than being in the middle of a really hot blow job and having a stray hair tickle your nose and threaten to make you sneeze...or worse - giggle) but I'd never expect him to shave it. I've seen guys with everything shaved down there...it's cool (often makes their dick look bigger) but it's not a gigantic turn-on for me. Not like seeing a shaved woman. Damnnnnn there's something about seeing a woman with smooth pussy lips that gets me all kinds of hot, bothered, and wet. Maybe it's because I know exactly how soft her pussy would feel if I pressed my mouth to it and licked her up one side and down the other. Or how it would feel to my fingers...like velvet that would get even softer when she got wet. MMMMM... yes indeed, nothing like a shaved woman.

Hm. Where was I? I got all sidetracked fantasizing about running my tongue over a beautifully shaved, silky smooth pussy. Oh yea...shaving. So I pose it to you - to shave or not to shave, that is the question.

::shrug::

Not feeling particularly 'bloggy' today. Not sure what to say. It was an okay weekend, aside from a ridiculous incident I had with Vin on Saturday morning. So ridiculous, in fact, that it's not even worth explaining, but I'll give you the long story short version. I did something stupid, he reacted less than ideally, and I couldn't stop crying. The whole thing was avoidable, and it won't happen again.

On a more pleasant note, in honor of Thanksgiving this week, I've decided to make a list of things I'm thankful for. Seems appropriate. Especially given the amount of bitching I've been doing lately! I'll post it Wednesday, as I'll be out of the office the remainder of the week.

Some of you may be saying 'Oh how nice, you have Friday off'. Yea well it's the least these heartless bastards could do for me, considering. Considering what, you ask? Considering they don't cover birth control, which means that I pay $43.99 a month out of pocket for that shit. Considering they gave me a $50 cash "gift" as an award for 5 years of service, but then taxed me $15 dollars on said "gift." Bunch 'o Bitches. BUT HEY, I am thankful that I even have a job, considering the predicament some people are in right now, and I'm thankful for a certain amount of job security. Still pisses me off that they refuse to cover my birth control. It's fucked, FUCKED I say.

Friday's Quote

Sera: Don't you like me, Ben?

Ben: Sera... what you don't understand is - no, see, no. You can never, never ask me to stop drinking. Do you understand?

Sera: I do. I really do.

Conversation between Sera and Ben. From the movie "Leaving Las Vegas"

Ok, so it's not exactly a quote. But it does speak volumes of how I'm feeling today. To me, that quote is about true, total acceptance and understanding. A kind of 'unconditional love', if you will.

That's how I feel about Vin. Truly, totally accepting. Understanding. A kind of 'unconditional love', if you will.

Maybe that's naive, maybe it's stupid, and maybe it's setting myself up to get my heartbroken. But I don't believe I can love (or live) any other way.

It's not in my nature.

Pissed at Survivor

Ok, I admit it - I'm a 'Survivor' addict. I'm pissed about last night's episode. Rupert got screwed, in my opinion. Soulless, as usual, eloquently sums up exactly what I was thinking...read it. I thought I was the only one feeling love for Rupert. Guess not.

I'm having a SHIT day, and I've only been awake an hour. Here's something that I love about me - that I can get up at 7:15 am and be out the door looking good by 7:35 am in order to make it to work by 8 am. I love that I don't have to spend forever putting on make-up (I almost NEVER wear any - just for special occasions or when I'm trying to look extra hot for Vin) and doing my hair. But I digress. Vin called last night and he sounded like total shit and I know something is wrong and he won't tell me what it is. He's shutting me out again. Earlier this week I thought we had decided to work through this 'together', but now he's got me confused again. And that's not the worst of it. The worst part is that he wouldn't pick up his phone last night or this morning, and I just want to be sure he's okay which I don't think he is.

Oh fuckit whatever. I'm so sick of writing about problems and unhappiness. Like me writing about it is really gonna do one damn bit of good. The other night when he was trying to tell me I'd be better off w/out him, I told him to quit putting all this shit on me. I told him that if he wanted out then he needed to just say so and basically quit being a pussy about it. I asked what next - I suppose he's going to just be a complete dick so I'll leave him and that'll save him some guilt. He denied that he would do that, but something tells me I'm not so far off the mark there. I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I know that he loves me more than he's ever loved another. No question - it's a fucking fact. So it pisses me off to no fucking end that his illness makes him want to push me away. It pisses me off that he wants to do everything by himself. It pisses me off that one day he seems to want me involved and wants us to tackle this shit together, and the next day he avoids me like the fucking plague. It pisses me off that I'm so in love with him that I can't just walk away - I can't let him be. It pisses me off that I feel so cut off from him. Like I'm not worthy of being a part of his life or something. Like I'm not good enough because I'm not sick too. I feel like he thinks I can't understand or maybe he just doesn't want me to. I don't fucking know!!! I don't know what to think. I intended to try to talk to him about a lot of this last night when he came over, but he canceled on me. Claimed he had to work but I know better. I could feel it in his voice. It wasn't about how much work he had to do - it was about him just not having the energy to 'deal' with me. I really wanted to be able to look him in the face and ask him how much of a commitment he really wants to make to me. Because right now, it feels like his heart's half in it. The only way this relationship is going to work, is if he commits to allowing me to be a part of what is really going on with him, and allows me to be a part of him dealing with the illness. If he shuts me out - I'm fucked.

Right now, I think I'm fucked.

Um...oops

Ok so I teased you with the possibility of a sex post today, but I just can't deliver. I'm sorry. Just not feeling very 'sex-minded' today. Well that's not totally true...at least it wasn't true earlier today. Vin sent me a nummy little tease in an email...something about sitting on his face and that got me started but I was too busy with work to post. Then, lucky me, Aunt Flo arrived this afternoon and it's just damn hard to feel sexy when you're on the rag. Well maybe it's not hard for YOU, but it's hard for me. So there.

I have a lot going on in the back of my mind today. Questions galore. Thoughts of the future and what it holds. Wondering how things with Vin are going to be. I'm so impatient sometimes. It really bugs me.

Last night on the way home from work I heard 'Cat's in the Cradle' and it made me cry. Am I the only one that can't hear that song without shedding a tear?

I really need to be held today. Can't decide if it's all the stuff going on in my head, or the PMS, or a touch of lonliness, or what. But I need to be held. Tight.

Cigarette hangover

Ggggrrrr...ever had one? If you smoke cigarettes, you probably know what I'm talking about. You know, when you go to the bar and you start drinking and smoking and you're kind of bored and kind of catching a buzz and smoking some more and drinking some more and smoking some more...and suddenly it's the end of the night and (gasp) you realize you've just smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in a matter of about 4-5 hours. EWWW. You just KNOW that you're going to feel like complete shit the next day, and it's not going to have anything to do with the amount of alcohol you drank.

So that's my cross to bear today. That, and I'm so tired I'm starting to feel mentally challenged.

I promise a better post tomorrow. I'm thinking about telling you about the delicious sex Vin and I had last weekend. Here's a teaser...there's a bruise on my shoulder from where he bit me that is nearly as big around as a baseball, and although it's been 4 days since he bit me there, it's still a tad swollen. YUM.

Also been giving some thought to posting about the first time I got my heart broken, since that was one of the things requested in my comments from my "What do YOU want?" post. (Yep, too lazy to link.)

Maybe it would be good to get that story out of my system. Hm. I'll ponder it.

Kisses!

What to do

As in, I don't know what to do.

Vin is going through a really hard time right now. I don't know how to help him. Not that it matters - he doesn't want my help with this anyway. He thinks it would be better if I left him. He thinks in the long run, I would be better off. He thinks it's "unfair to me" to have to deal with him going through rough times. He says this rough time he's going through is a recurring one in his life, and that it will go....but it will definitely be back. He says he can't be perfect. He says he can't be normal. He says he doesn't want to hurt me. He thinks he knows what's best for me.

How do I respond to that? None of that is news. This is not the first time this has come up, nor the first time that we've discussed this. I've known since early on that he's got problems. The kind I can't help with. The kind I can't do anything about. I'm not a kid, I'm not naive. This is not the kind of thing I saw but didn't recognize or saw but didn't know what it meant or what it means. I am fully aware, and I chose to be in this relationship knowing how he would be at times. I have never placed any expectations upon him to be "perfect" or "normal." I have tried to tell him from the very beginning that I want him just the way he is, problems and all. I have never tried to tell him that he needs to change. I have never tried to tell him that he needs to let me fix him, or help fix him.

I am in love with him for who he is. I don't just pick and choose 'parts' of him to love. I love and want the whole package. I understand there are going to be hard times. What relationship is without hard times?

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just ..... shit, I don't even know what I am.

I want him to know I'm not going to leave. I want him to understand and believe that I am in love with him AS HE IS. I want him to know that I realize that "AS HE IS" is not perfect and sometimes not even normal, but that doesn't matter to me because I see the WHOLE PICTURE, not just part or parts of it. And as a WHOLE, he is exactly what I want.

Am I an idiot? Am I supposed to just say to him "Okay, sorry to hear you're messed up right now and will likely be messed up in the future, so I'm outta here?" Is that what people do? Am I kidding myself? What the hell?

I'm in love. He's what I want. He's a good man. He's good to me and treats me right. He's not like the others. I don't want to leave. I don't want to be without him. I want him to know I'm here for all of it. The good AND the bad.

So now what? He wants me to go. I want to stay. What do I do?

100 Things About Me

1. My real first name is Amy
2. I was born Kimberly Rose and placed for adoption at 3 weeks old
3. I was adopted at 6 weeks of age
4. I have a brother that I grew up with – I consider him my “real” brother
5. I recently found out my biological mother is dead and that I have a half sister and two half brothers
6. My adoptive parents are both still alive and married (to each other)
7. I am 31 years old as of 8/13/03
8. I am very much in love, and want and hope to marry him (Vin)
9. I have never been married
10. I am bisexual
11. I haven’t had sex with a woman in a long, long time
12. I had a son at the age of 22, and placed him for adoption at birth
13. The only people present at my son’s birth were doctors and nurses; I had no friends, acquaintances, family, or the son’s father with me
14. I lost my virginity at 15; I didn’t want to have sex with him
15. My first kiss was at age 12; my first french kiss was at age 13
16. I have been in love twice (counting my current love)
17. I have been in one car accident; I was uninjured but my car was not
18. I have never broken any bones
19. I have never had major surgery – only tonsils and wisdom teeth out
20. I went to community college right out of high school and stayed for one semester, then quit
21. I am a very good listener
22. I am intelligent but doubt myself a lot
23. I have long light brown curly hair
24. I have blue eyes
25. I have self-esteem issues – mainly that I have very little of it
26. I am pretty
27. I have seven tattoos
28. My tongue is pierced, as are my ears
29. I wish I were thinner, but not a thin or small girl
30. I like that my body is what one would call “thick” or “bigger” or “plus size”
31. I like to call myself a BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman)
32. My bra size is 44DDD
33. I am kind
34. I have a good work ethic but don’t think my current employer deserves to have me busting my ass here
35. I have done several drugs - pot, acid, cocaine, crank (meth), mushrooms
36. My favorite is pot – still do that daily
37. I am Pro-Choice
38. Abortion is not a choice I would make– that’s for other people
39. I am not a judgmental person
40. My perception of strangers is not based on their looks
41. I am very friendly
42. I can be very shy around people I don’t know
43. I am very good with customers
44. I hate working with the public
45. I am glad I have a job where I don’t deal with the public anymore
46. I love the rain
47. I love the sound of children laughing
48. I hate freezing cold weather but I love snow
49. I love the kind of quiet that you can only hear during the winter when there’s snow on the ground
50. I love to help my friends
51. I hate the feeling of not being needed
52. I believe trust is something people should earn
53. I am too trusting of others
54. I believe MOST people are inherently good
55. I believe laughter is good for the soul
56. I hate brussel sprouts
57. I love broccoli and cauliflower, especially in soup
58. I love cheese and bacon, not necessarily together but together is good too
59. I would like to believe in myself more than I do
60. My greatest fear is being totally alone – no love, no friends, no family
61. Vin is the most important thing in the world to me; I would die for him
62. My friends are the second most important thing in the world to me
63. I don’t care about money or status or power
64. I do my damned best to never lie
65. I don’t believe white lies are truly hurtful, or count as lies
66. I believe “not telling” is the same thing as lying
67. I believe hiding things from people you love is wrong
68. I wish that I had enough money to never have to work again
69. If I had enough money to never work again, I would travel and help other people
70. I hate stereotypes
71. I am one of the most open-minded people I know
72. I wish there didn’t have to be war of any kind
73. I believe in a Higher Power
74. I am not religious
75. I love answering people’s questions
76. I have nothing to hide
77. I have an anonymous blog because I feel it gives me more freedom to be open an honest than I could be if people I knew in real life (like work people or my family) read this
78. I love to drink Jack Daniel’s
79. I believe communication is both a tool and a skill
80. I believe communication is one of the greatest tools we’re given, and a skill that should be mastered
81. I have never been in a fist-fight
82. My first loan and most major purchase was a little over a year ago – my Mustang
83. I am not interested in having children
84. Number 83 is NOT why I placed my son for adoption
85. I hate confrontation
86. I am thankful for so many things, I could probably make a list of 100 of them
87. I am a generally happy person
88. I used to play the Flute, Piccolo, Trumpet, Baritone, and French Horn
89. I like to read
90. I watch too much TV
91. I love movies
92. I believe ex’s can be friends in many cases
93. I used to write poetry – it was all very crappy
94. I don’t understand most jealousies and am normally not a jealous person
95. I love sex
96. I have gone through times with no money, no food, no toilet paper
97. My favorite curse word is FUCK
98. I am sorry for every time I have hurt another human being
99. I could write way more than 100 things about me
100. I am not afraid of what people will think of me after reading these 100 things about me

I hit 1,000!

Yay me, I hit 1,000! I got a few comments - thank you very much - and the majority seem to be in favor of hearing 100 things about me. Your wish is my command. See my next post!

Thanks for reading. Keep the comments coming.

What do YOU want??

Hey...so I realized today that I'm going to hit 1,000 on my site meter very soon. I've decided that 1,000 hits is a pretty special occasion, and as such, y'all deserve to get whatever you ask for. SO...

Do you want something juicy? Do you want a true story about my sexual adventures? Do you want a fantasy? Do you want to hear 100 things about me? Do you want me to describe myself? Do you want me to tell you about the first time I got my heart broken? Do you want me to tell you something routine and mundane about my life, like what I had for breakfast? Do you want to hear tales about what my life was like growing up? Do you want to hear about my son? Do you want to hear about what scares me or makes me happy or makes me sad or makes me curious? Do you want to hear my theories on ....um....whatever??

What do YOU want?

Let me know...either in comments or email. I want to give y'all something special and something fun and something really GOOD to honor the fact that 1,000 of you have come by and read about my life. Think of it as my little way of saying thanks.

Sexual suffocation

Ok, so I got stuck for a title. I've been thinking of taking titles off lately because sometimes it's just too much pressure. Blah.

It occured to me last night when I was masturbating that I think I might know why it turns me on so much when Vin grabs me by the throat and starts to cut off my air supply. Or at least, I have a clue. See, when I'm about to cum, I basically hold my breath. Not on purpose or anything, it just happens. It was something I never even noticed about myself until I was with my second girlfriend, Chris.

Chris was great in bed, and an extremely keen observer...which, in my opinion, is part of what made her so great in bed. We were talking one night after a particularly exhausting romp, and she asked if I knew what I sounded like when I was about to cum. I thought about it and decided that I had a clue, but wasn't positive about the particulars. I mean hell, the last thing I'm thinking about when I'm about to cum is what I'm doing, let alone how I sound doing it. I just let the feelings and sensations and everything else completely take over and rule my body - I totally let go. At any rate, she pointed out to me that just before I'm about to cum, I hold my breath. I had to giggle when she said that. It's funny the stuff you never realize you're doing when you're having sex.

Friday's Quote

"I want to fuck you like an animal." ~ Nine Inch Nails, "Closer"

Can't get this song out of my head this morning. Heard it on my way to work and couldn't seem to turn it up loud enough.

Words vs Actions

Do you ever feel like someone is telling you one thing but really means another?

That's something that makes me wonder. Why do people do that? Why would you say one thing when what you mean is something else entirely? Huh. That's funny. As I wrote that, it occured to me that I have exhibited this behavior in the past - saying one thing and meaning another. Yea, well let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I'm just crabby right this second. As usual, I'm sitting here wishing I had a crystal ball to see into the future. Has it ever occured to you how much easier it would be to function if you knew what the future held? Shit, talk about hindsight being 20/20...you'd have the ability to change your actions BEFORE they happened. I figure I'd make a lot less mistakes that way. Hm. What's that you say? That would take the fun out of life, if we knew what was going to happen and could forge our own destinies and paths? Well to hell with that. I don't wanna see the whole road, just maybe the next block or so. That would be helpful.

Links...

Hey all...I added a couple links to my sidebar.

Just discovered A Play Toy For You? today, and although she's only got one post so far, her blog looks like it's going to be juicy. Plus, I'm the only link she's got on her blog so far, and I was so honored I nearly fell out of my chair and decided immediately I'd send some traffic her way.

I also added Memoirs of a Married Mad Man today - just discovered yesterday that he'd linked to me so I'm kindly returning the favor. Also, I like the way he writes - interesting and in general, a damn good read.

Thanks y'all. Go check out some cool links. Let me know if you see something that you think I might like!

Interesting search terms...

I discovered this morning that someone found me using the search term...

theraputic penis massage minnesota

I love it!! I wonder if the person that was using that search term was looking to give or to receive such a massage? And if they are the receiver, I wonder if they require the giver to be "qualified" or if just anyone can do it?

I wonder what something like that pays? I could use a little cash on the side.

MBL is Movin' On...

Married But Lonely recently caused himself a little trouble and consequently has had to move his page. He is now Moving On. Sorry you had to move your space, MBL, but glad to see you're back at it - with a fresh outlook, no less!

Per his request:
"If it's not too much trouble, I would appreciate it if you folks who link to me would use Moving On as the name of the site instead of the old name. Just me being paranoid is all." ~ MBL

...I'm going to change MBL to Moving On on my sidebar, and update the link accordingly.

I'm back!

Alright alright alright alright ALRIGHT. I'm back in action. I am feeling better than I was on Friday, but still not quite 100%. I spent more time sleeping this past weekend than I did awake, and I think that helped speed my recovery. I've currently got some stomach issues (feels like I did too many situps, but I haven't done any situps so I know that's not it) and I'm a little on the crabby side, but otherwise I'm terrific. Well, terrific may be pushing it a bit, as I'm feeling extremely sexually deprived right now.

Vin and I haven't had sex in over a week. I thought for sure I'd be getting into a mood where I'd want him to come over and make sweet, quiet love to me, but I'm actually feeling just the opposite. Lately, every time I think about sex with him, it involves him doing really nasty things to me. Plus, I realized the other day that he and I haven't really had any kind of "session" lately, and I'm really craving a good spanking...and then some. We haven't played with knives in awhile, and I'd like him to spend some time on that very soon. I love the power he has over me when we're playing like that. I love the feel of the cold steel blade being run over my body. I love the tiny amount of pressure he applies that leaves tiny welt lines across my flesh as he drags the tip from here to there. I love when he grabs me by my hair and pulls, exposing my neck, and then presses the sharp edge of the blade to my throat. It's extremely erotic to me to know that at that exact moment, he's literally got my life in his hands. Honestly, I'm not sure which is more erotic - the fact that I know he could kill me, or the fact that I have such an extreme amount of trust in him to play this way.

*Quick side note*... KIDS DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. This type of play (knives, razors, etc.) takes a HUGE amount of trust between partners, and is definitely NOT for the inexperienced. I noticed the other day that SPARTA was talking about this very thing, and gave a good reference for people to check out if interested in this type of play. Read what he had to say by clicking here. I highly recommend the link he gave. I also must insist that I am in no way endorsing you to play with knives or razors or any other such instruments without first reading up on the subject. Then again, if you don't have enough sense to learn about dangerous play before trying it, I doubt you'll heed my warning, but I had to say it to ease my own conscience.

Another of my favorite things is when he pins me down and wraps his hand around my throat and squeezes. I have no clue why that excites me as much as it does, but it absolutely drives me wild. Hell, I can get wet just thinking about it. Damn!

At any rate...I suppose I should get back to focusing on work, if that's even possible today. Maybe I'll be back later to indulge myself (and you, my faithful readers) in more fantasies about Vin and him taking me roughly. Mmmm...sounds delicious!

Oh, one last thing...

Thank you to all of you out there in blogland that have stopped by and read me...and an especially big thank you to those of you that have commented. It's cool to know people are reading and responding to what I'm saying. I truly appreciate all the kind words.

And Kenny, if you and I lived closer, I'd come over just to hug you. (Not just to thank you for your kind comments but also because of your situation.) What you've been going through is a nightmare by any standards, and it amazes me that you are able to have such an awesome and positive attitude overall. You are an inspiration. You deserve much love and happiness and the good things in life.

Thanks, y'all.

Changed my mind

I will post a little something today. Just long enough to say that I am very afraid. I know there are times Vin thinks about whether or not he should stay with me. We discussed the fact that he has thoughts of breaking up with me. He says it's not because of me, but because of the fact that he can't be as emotional as he thinks I need him to be. He can't be as open as he thinks I need him to be. He can't let me inside his head the way I've said I need him to.

Does that make everything else that's good about our relationship null and void?

No. I firmly believe that answer to that is no.

I think it's going to be okay - we talked about it at some length last night, and I think we've come to a solution that doesn't involve us parting.

But I'm still scared as hell.

Friday's Quote

"Fuck Friday's Quote, and fuck posting today. I'm sick and can't think and just plain don't care." ~ Me

Needy

I'm feeling extremely needy today. Overly needy. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm worried. I have a ton on my mind. I need Vin to come over tonight and just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, and let me cry in his arms. I worry that everything isn't going to be okay.

I have said it before - communication is my lifeblood. I could care less about work or money or possessions...just give me a few decent relationships with other people in my life and I'm a happy girl. There have been times in my life that I've surrounded myself with loads of friends, but even during those times, I clung more to a select few than to embrace the whole bunch. It's always been a huge priority for me to be close to people. Close close. Like, inside their head close. Finishing each other's sentences close. Reading their mind, anticipating their wants, needs, and thoughts close. It's great to be that close to another human.

I've always thought that was pretty much one of the sole reasons I was put on this earth - to interact with other people. I figure that when I'm old and grey and living in a home and all my earthly possessions are long gone and all I have left is ME, what will keep me going is my memories. I want to be able to sit back and reflect on the difference people made in my life, and what kind of difference I made in their's. I want to have fond memories of times I've spent with other people and the love we shared.

Let's see, where was I going with this? Oh yea. Why I'm currently worried and thinking too much.

Because I've been realizing lately that the psychic abilities that used to be so prevalent in my life, and the intuition that I was able to rely so heavily upon seem to be "broken" lately. Or more to the point - they don't seem to work with Vin. I worry about that. I can't tell if it's me, or if it's that he's got walls and blockers up to keep me out, and that's why their not working the way they used to. I'm just not sure. I worry that I might never be able to get inside him - truly inside. And I wonder if that's going to be enough? If all the other things that I love so much about him are going to be able to sustain "us" if I can't have the kind of closeness with him that I seem to need in my life?

It's just too much to think about right now. My head hurts and this is making it worse. I'll come back to it later. But now you know what's making me so YUCK today. Neediness and worry and sleepiness and maybe a little hunger and sadness and more worry...and...and...and.

Sometimes it's hard to love my cats

So I was going to relay how icky I'm feeling today, but then changed my mind. Sort of. I will briefly say that today has basically sucked, with the exception of a very delicious email from Vin that made me quiver and throb in all the right places. I've been battling a nasty cold for over a week now, and it's totally draining me. The usual suspects - sore throat, cough, blah blah blah who cares. Point is between that and thinking about St. Louis and the possibility of a big change in my life, I'm tired as hell. Heh. Just remembering another reason I'm beat today. My damned cat. Get this, 4:00 am this morning, I wake myself up coughing. I get up to go to the bathroom, and on my way, I step in something wet and squishy and none too friendly feeling to my feet. I'm stuck between being grossed out and not giving a shit because I'm still coughing and also have to pee. Let me tell ya, coughing this hard and simultaneously having to pee - not a good combination for someone that's had a kid and is half asleep. I make it to the bathroom and it dawns on me that a few hours earlier, I'd woken up to the sound of a cat hacking up a hairball in my room. (I can only take it as some kind of sign of how much they love me, but the only place the little fuckers ever barf is in my room. THANKS.) Ahh...mystery solved. I've just shuffled through cat puke. Yep...sometimes it's hard to love my cats.

On a happier note, Vin left me some porn the other night that I still haven't gotten a chance to really look through. I think I'll head home and relax and browse through the mags he left, and if there's time before the roomie gets home, I'll check out at least one of the DVD's he left. Hm. Thinking the better of that last one. I'd rather save it for when I see him. I'm sure I'll need a hand.

Six Months

Today officially makes six months that I've been seeing Vin. Seems like a day as much as it seems like forever. There are times that I don't really remember what my life was like before him, and I don't care to. Everything that has changed in my life since he came along has been a change for the better. I can't imagine spending another day of my life without him, and I hope I never have to.

There are times he drives me nuts and I could swear he's just trying to push every button I have, and there are times when he is the most incredible, loving, and gentle person on earth. I love that about him. I love that he's incredibly intelligent without being an arrogant ass. I love that he's quiet and loving and supportive when he should be, and loud and pushy and overbearing when he can see I need a kick in the ass. I love that he dresses well but doesn't look like one of the Fab5 from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I love that he knows how to treat me like a lady, but also knows how to lay someone out in five seconds flat. I love that he would defend my honor if he needed to, but respects the fact that I can take care of myself. I love that he lets me be independent, but is always willing and able to help when I ask. I love that although he has committed himself to never having to compromise to sacrifice his own happiness, he's willing to meet me in the middle when it's desperately needed. I love that although he's not the most emotional man on the planet, he's willing to communicate his wants, needs, and desires to me. I love that he's got everything I ever wanted in a man and so much more. And I love that he's gorgeous but humble.

There are many more things I love about him. Many, many, many. But this post has pretty much hit is mushy-lovey-might-make-someone-vomit limit, so I'll stop.

Vin, baby, even though there are days you make me insane, there are many more that you make me happier than I ever thought possible. I love you more than anything, with all my heart and soul. You really do complete me.

Weird Dream

I had the weirdest dream last night. It involved a guy I was dating way back in High School, in maybe 10th grade or so. In my dream, I ran into this guy at a public park. We were attending some sort of reunion, although I don't remember anyone else familiar being there. When I ran into him I recognized him, though he looked older. Much like I imagine what it would be like to run into him today, considering I haven't seen him since 10th grade or so, and that was 15+ years ago. (Woah.) At any rate, we got to chatting for a bit - the usual crap...how ya been, what are you doing now, yada yada yada. He was telling me about what it's like being a doctor and married with a newborn and all that. Next thing I know, I have him down on the grass on a blanket, giving him the best blow job he's ever had in his life. (His words in my dream, not my own inflated ego...well actually, if you think about it, it IS my own inflated ego...::sigh::) Don't ask me how we went from respectable conversation to me sucking his dick, because I have no idea. All I know is that it was extremely vivid and lasted a long time.

Several weird things about this...first of all, I never sucked his dick in real life. Secondly, I haven't thought about this guy in ages - so why on earth would he show up in a dream? That always weirds me out. When I dream of things that have randomly crossed my mind recently, at least I can understand why they're showing up in my subconcious. But when I dream about things that I haven't been thinking about, I wonder where the hell they came from.

Weird. Weird, I tell you.

Look what I can do!

HEY check it out, I managed to put a link on my sidebar so that all y'all can email me if you feel so inclined. I'm basically a complete fucktard when it comes to this blogging stuff...I know next to nothing. It took me a few tries, but I finally managed to figure out how to get my email link on there. YAY! I'm proud.

Mornin' Y'all

It's Monday. It's morning. It's snowing. Yuck. Finished getting my car all fixed up last weekend - it's like new! God Bless extended warranties. I am no longer afraid to drive my rear-wheel drive car in winter! Yay! For those of you that don't live in snow-infested cities and don't know what it's like to drive a rear-wheel drive car in the winter...well, the best way I can explain it is to say quite simply, it's a total pain in the ass.

I have a lot on my mind today. I had a marvelous Saturday with Vin. We had some really nummy sex...the good "connecting" kind. I love when we get in that perfect position so that he's grinding just right and hitting my G-spot. He's on top of me, and he's looking down at me and I'm looking back at him and it's as if there's nothing else in the world but the two of us. He made me cum over and over and over and left me breathless and sweaty and spent and more than satisfied. Then he cuddled up with me and went to sleep. Delicious.

But that's not what's on my mind. Well, it is, in a way...because it's in the back of my mind replaying itself like background music. Makes me giggle and keeps me in a pleasant mood. What's really on my mind is that Vin is very likely going to be taking a job in St. Louis. Right when he told me that he was seriously considering it, I told him I'd go with him. No hesitation, no consideration. Just YES. It's a huge committment and an awfully big change for both of us, but I'm oddly unafraid. Every time I think about the whole idea of it, I get excited and hopeful. I thought for sure it would produce thoughts of worry and possibly doubt, but it has had just the opposite effect. I'm thrilled.

Anyway...lots of work do to so I'm going to get to it. I'll be thinking more about St. Louis and what that will mean to my life, and will likely have much more to say about it later. Hope Monday finds all of you in a better mood than you'd expect for a Monday.

Kisses.