The rent scare

As mentioned in my post from earlier today, due to my illness I missed a lot of work and as a result, I'm not getting a full paycheck. It'll be just over half of my normal take home. Mom and dad are going to pull through and loan me the $150 I'll be short on rent. The roomie, Jodie, is going to buy a couple gift cards off of me that I received as gifts for Christmas, so that'll be another $50. I figure I can sell my cd's since my new car only has a tape player - that may pull in as much as $25. Since I know $75 isn't enough to get me through for 2 weeks, I'll have to figure something else out - but I'll cross that bridge in a day or two.

When I told my dad I hated asking for money knowing that his surgery's coming up and money's tight he said, "Well, it's not like we're broke around here. We can help." Which sparked a number of memories and thoughts. At first, I was just down on myself and frustrated that once again, I need to be pulled out of a fiscal jam. I was giving myself the old lecture: Why can't you be more responsible? You should have money set aside for emergencies like this. Most people do not live literally paycheck to paycheck, with just pennies left in their pockets come payday. When are you going to grow up and take care of yourself?! The only plan you've ever had since high school was to be independent, and yet here you are at 32, still needing help from mommy and daddy. You suck!! You get the idea. After the lecture was over, I realized that this is the first Can't-Make-Rent scare I've had since 1997 (which resulted in me getting evicted and eventually moving back home with Mom and Dad) and that made me feel pretty decent. Not good. Decent. Like I'm making progress or something. After I realized that, it sparked the memory of when I lived with Sue.

Sue and I shared a one bedroom apartment in an okay part of town. Okay jobs within walking distance that didn't pay worth a shit, if they were hiring at all. I got hired at a restaurant as a Hostess. I was trained by a surly old lady who stood about 5 feet tall and spoke like she'd been smoking 3 packs a day since she was 8 years old. "Look kid, yer job ain't that hard. Just greet 'em and seat 'em. Empty their ashtrays when they're full." For this, I was paid the tidy sum of $3.85 an hour. (And no, it wasn't 1980. This was like '92 or '93.) I think I worked 2 hour shifts 3-4 days a week. Sue was hired to bus/wash dishes at the same place. We worked there all of about two weeks before Sue talked me into not showing up for work one day so that we could stay home and get high instead. (I never said we were brilliant.) To say that we were a couple of broke motherfuckers would be an understatement. We didn't have shit. No tv's, stereos, shit like that. Sure, we had weed. But when people came over to hang out and smoke it with us, they had to bring toilet paper or we wouldn't let them in. You just don't know broke until you live without toilet paper.

This also reminds me that when I lived with Sue, I had a gigantic beast of a car - we called it the "Dragon Wagon" though I've no idea why. For the life of me I couldn't tell you what kind of car it was, but I do know it wasn't a station wagon. Anyway. It got about 5 miles to the gallon. The gas gauge was seldom accurate. Sue and I went out one winter morning to go to a friend's house to clean her house for cash. She had on a v-neck sweater and a mini-skirt. I had on a t-shirt, v-neck sweater, and leggings. (We'd done acid the night before and a) were hot and b) were complete morons.) The temperature was about -5, and that's not counting the wind chill. Factor that in, and it was about -15. Farenheit. I think we each had a light jacket, but nothing resembling winter wear. No gloves. No hats. No scarves. Not even earmuffs. So getting stuck on the side of the freeway due to the piece of shit car running out of gas was a tad inconvenient. And boy were we pissed to see two, count 'em TWO cop cars drive past at separate times and not stop to help us. (To this day, I pray those were hallucinations. I refuse to believe law enforcement would leave us stranded in weather like that.)



Huh. I just remembered how we got out of that jam. Tow truck stopped to help. Refused to help when we told him we had no money. Gave us a ride 1/4 mile to the next exit and dropped us off (at the end of the ramp), where we had to run to an elementary school (it was the nearest thing) and beg to use a phone. Mom came and bailed me out of that one, too.

When I think back to how I felt at the time, it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, yeah, mostly it sucked. (I say mostly because it wasn't sucky all the time - there was a lot of partying that went on, and that was all good.) But it wasn't as monumental as it would be to have to deal with that same situation at this point in my life. When I look at it now, I can't imagine dealing with that and not having a nervous breakdown of sorts.

The point of all this? Though I deserved my self-lecture, things are not as bad as they could be, and definitely not as bad as they once were. I'm not to the point I want to be yet, but that's okay. I'm not at the point where I once was. No matter how slowly, how little the progress, I am moving forward. Just seems that somedays, I take two steps forward, ten steps back.

I miss all of you. Here's an update:

Hi. Anyone miss me? That's okay if you didn't. Can't say I blame ya.

I'm still broken up with Vin, though I don't want to be. Staying broken up with him goes against everything in my heart. (Though my head keeps telling me it must be this way.) Everything about being apart from him feels wrong. I hate it.

On the other hand, when I look at the bigger picture I have to admit to myself that things staying the way they were with us just doesn't work. "Maybe" and "Someday" may work for some, but for me...well, I've grown tired of holding onto what may someday be there. The reality is that as much as I am in love with him, our present life together is not what I want. I don't want to be a girlfriend on the side. I don't want to settle for an hour or two of his time at 6am on whatever day he can slip away. I don't want to have a man that I can't HAVE, can't count on to be there at the drop of a hat, can't go out with on date night or bring to family functions on holidays, can't surprise at home with dinner on the table, can't wake up next to, can't call whenever I want. And right now, that's exactly what I have. A relationship that consists of me being last on a long list of priorities. What may happen some day MAY happen - it's a fantasy, a fairy tale. It is not what IS, right now, and that's what I finally had to face.

The truth is, part of me could (and would, and wants to) wait forever. That lovestruck woman who lives solely in my heart tells me that no matter how long, the wait will be worth it. But the woman who lives inside my head tells me that some of us have to grow up and stop believing in fairy tales (and maybes and somedays) because they only come true in movies. And life, my friend, is certainly not a movie.

This must be so clear from an outsider's point of view. But from in here, inside my world, it's foggy and the forecast calls for more of the same. I'm sure my therapist will frown upon my keeping up a relationship with him. She'll tell me I'm not letting go, not moving forward, not healing this heartbreak, etc. Well, that's too bad. He's an important part of my life, and cutting him out of it would be like losing a limb. It's not going to happen. And it's not because I am holding on and hoping that by keeping him a part of my life, I'll just happen to be there when and if he finally leaves his wife. It is because I love him and if I can't BE with him, then dammit he's going to stay in my life as one of the best friends I've ever had. All the things I fell in love with him for still apply, and as such, he's someone I want to keep around.

Argh. Enough about Vin. Bottom line (like you couldn't guess) is that we're keeping in touch, still being extremely supportive of one another, and still seeing each other when his schedule permits. That's how it's going to stay for awhile.

As for me - well, things don't look great today. I got extremely sick with a bacterial infection in my throat last week (hardy har - it wasn't an STD, you smart asses.) It was kind of like Strep Throat but different. At any rate. I was down for 5 days straight and that included Christmas. My mom was cool and came to bring me presents and spend time with me for a couple hours on Christmas. I would have gone to my parent's house to celebrate with them and my brother, but my dad is having surgery in a couple weeks (he has blockage in his carotid arteries [85% on one side and like 60% on the other or some shit] and needs to have them scraped out [?] or something) and I couldn't risk getting him sick. Well, between the time I missed with this illness and the time I missed a couple weeks ago (stomach issues), my paycheck that I get this week (that I pay rent out of) will have about 47 hours on it instead of 81. Super. I have no clue how I'm going to pay the rent. My dad said he and my mom can help, but fuck - they can barely afford the surgery he's having. How can I take their money without feeling like total shit?? I'll have to figure that out later - paying rent and feeling like total shit is better than not paying rent, getting evicted, and having to move back in with them. Shit, if he thought his chances of having a stroke were pretty good before surgery, I can guarantee those odds will go through the roof if he thinks I'll have to move back in. I think he'd sooner sell a kidney. So like I said, things aren't looking so great today.

On the upside, shit could be a whole helluva lot worse, so I'm not complaining. I have a lot - A LOT - to be thankful for, and there's a fuckload of people in the world that can't say the same. All in all, I got it good and I'm damn grateful.

I hope y'all had a good holiday, whatever and whenever you celebrated. And if I don't find time to write again this week, have a great New Year's Eve. Don't be a shmuck and drive drunk, either. If you do, I'll have to hunt you down and beat you with all the leftover candy canes I couldn't eat, and you shouldn't put a just-recovered-from-a-very-bad-bacterial-infection person through that kind of effort.

Kisses.

So much for my happy ending

Avril's got it right:

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done


Remember the deal Vin and I had? The one year timeline? It was supposed to be ending this January. Well apparently, that's not enough time. Apparently, he's going to need more time. I asked how long. He said under a year. I asked if it would be more than two months. He said yes.

So I broke up with him.

He tells me the one year timeline wasn't a lie - it just changed. And he didn't tell me it changed. Why? No reason.

I wonder how long it's been that he is not in love with me.

Shit.

I wonder if he ever was?

I had a dream last night. I was presented with the award for "Most Colossal Waste of Time".

All of 2004 has been a complete waste. All that energy and emotion spent on someone who knew a year ago that he didn't want to be with me but didn't want to tell me.

Why the fuck do I have to do everything MY WAY all the got-damn time??? Why do I have to be that person that needs to go through it to believe and understand it???

He doesn't love me. He doesn't want to be with me. I really believed he was going to pull through. I really believed that after all the lying he'd done and after all the hurt he knew he put me through, that in the end he loved me enough to stay true to his word. I know I had no reason to believe that he wasn't lying about that, too. I know that. But the heart overrides the mind in my world.

And again, I'm left with the most empty, aching heart imaginable.

See the thing is, when it was good - it was the best fucking relationship I've ever had. And I just wanted so badly to believe that things were finally going to work out for me. That someone I loved so deeply would not let me down like all the others have.

I guess sometimes in life, certain people really were meant to be on their own. I learned early on that the only person I really truly have in this life is myself. I just hoped that if I tested the theory enough, I'd prove myself wrong. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm old enough to understand now that some of us are really just meant to be with ourselves.

Maybe it'll only take a week to stop crying this time.

I'm not counting on it.

In fact, I'm not counting on anything anymore.

Friday's Quote

Julie: I wouldn't live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree! ~ Julie Buchman (Martha Plimpton), in the movie "Parenthood"