The Past: June 26, 2007

Originally written 6/26/07:

June (Vin's wife) sent me a couple of his personal items - got them in the mail today. Seems like the perfect excuse to get drunk to me! She sent a note - "Here is Vin's favorite comic book [The Crow] and his favorite watch. I know you'll take good care of them. ~ June" I don't know how in the fuck she could have known about The Crow - that freaks me the fuck out. [ed. note: Vin and I had matching rings that he got from Hot Topic - they said "Real love is forever" on the outside, which is a quote from The Crow.] I knew the watch was coming - she'd asked me via email awhile back if there was anything of his that I wanted and I requested the watch, saying I always liked how it looked on him and knew how much he liked it...and that he had several watches, so if she didn't mind, I wanted that one. What I didn't tell her is that it was the watch I bought him - and the one he wore the most because it was extremely lightweight, and he had bad wrists. The other watches in his collection were too heavy for him to wear for any length of time.

What really sent my head spinning is her handwriting - it's almost fucking *identical* to Vin's. It was surreal. I started crying before I even opened the package.

The loss of Vin is a much bigger void than I ever could have anticipated. When he died, I believe a piece of my heart went with him.

Sometimes, it feels like time is not really passing at all, because I still hurt and ache inside the way I did right after he left. How do I move on if time is standing still?

The Past: 6/21/07

Originally written 6/21/07

I need to write even though it won't make any sense because of course I'm drunk.

Two Iraqi vets in teh news today - one shot by police because he was drunk, aimed a shotgun at them and they shot and killed him, justified. The other was sentenced to one year ONE YEAR in jail for drunk driving and killing a 16 year old girl. Claimed PTSD, which I believe, actually. And that's why I'm drunk and crying. I'm not afraid my brother will die in Iraq when he gets deployed - I'm afraid he'll come back a mother fucken MESS. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Past 5/28/07: Memorial Day

Originally written 5/28/07, Memorial Day:

I woke up crabby today. Didn't want to go to Auntie G's for her stupid Memorial Day breakfast. Mostly because it's not at my mom and dad's house and it's OUR fucking tradition to have people at OUR house...but they don't live there any more. But I was also crabby that Vin is dead. The first time I ever took him to meet my family it was Memorial Day 2003. Four fucking years ago. Back when I was in LOVE, not PAIN. Back when I thought I'd met the man I would marry - not the man I'd spend months (years??) GRIEVING OVER.

ANGER. ANGER. ANGER. PAIN AND ANGER AND GRIEF AND MORE FUCKING ANGER!!!

Oh yeah. Found this little gem I'd forgotten about when I was getting drunk and reading my book tonight...

"Life can be as bitter as dragon tears. But whether dragon tears are bitter or sweet depends entirely on how each man percieves the taste." ~Dean Koontz, "Dragon Tears" (book)