Originally written August 7, 2007
Okay, so I don't hate myself. I am not a piece of shit. I'm not having sex anymore for a long time, though, either.
I don't feel guilty about the other night with my brother's friend. I only feel shitty about being fat. You know for two weeks recently, I ate healthy - no fast food, no soda...and didn't lose a fucking pound. Guess I'm not going to lose shit until I give up booze, which isn't happening right now.
My therapist kept telling me to go to Al-Anon. Wonder if her advice would have been different if I'd been honest with her about how much I actually drink? Seems unlikely. At any rate, I actually considered Al-Anon, if only to make some new fucking friends. Which may help with a lot of things, chief among them being the fact that I feel like I have to cut Phoebe out of my life. Well, her bullshit anyway, but since I can't separate them, I don't know what else to do.
The thing with Pheobe is that I refuse to accept the life she has chosen for herself. I accept it no more than anyone I know would accept my life choices if I suddenly quit my job, lived off government money, and started selling meth. See? Some things are just plain unacceptable. But they are all CHOICES and that is what Pheoble refuses to accept or admit. Every step in her life is a choice - not trying to get well, not trying to get off the drugs, not losing weight, not doing ANYTHING that would give her the possibility of getting healthy - ALL FUCKING CHOICES.
I refuse to accept her VICTIMHOOD. She lives off government money out of laziness, fear, self-loathing, and just plain refusal to try and I despise that. It is a devastating feeling to hate your best friend's choices and no there is nothing - simply nothing more you can do to help. I mean FUCK! I hate that I despise her behavior - I hate that I am angry! But dammit, I can't fix her. And I refuse to continue to attempt to help someone who REFUSES TO HELP THEMSELF. I hate that I feel like the only way for me to stop getting sucked into her pity party is to separate myself from her and just stop listening to the babbling brook of bullshit that she can't seem to stop spewing.
Seriously! Who the fuck CHOOSES to live off social security at the age of fucking 30!?!?!?!? And how the FUCK does our government even let shit like that happen? Think about it. She's paid into the system (part-time) for under 10 years total. By the time I retire, I'll have paid into the system for over 40 years at full-time DECENT pay - roughly less time than she will have been LIVING OFF IT FOR FREE. Just how the FUCK does that even work? That makes no fucking sense to me at all.
I just want to scream at her! FUCK YOU!! GET OFF YOUR FAT, LAZY, BULLSHITTING ASS AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR FUCKED UP LIFE!!!!!!!! STOP MAKING THIS CHOICE TO BE MISERABLE AND ALONE AND UNHAPPY AND STOP LOOKING FOR EVERYONE TO PITY YOU AND DO SOMETHING YOU FUCKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or, on the other hand, just lay down and die like you've been trying to do for the last three years. Either way, I can't sit around and watch you anymore.
LOOK, I am not a terrible person. The thing is, though, I just can't accept that my previously beautiful, normal friend has decided to turn her life to toal shit and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it. I simply do NOT know how to deal with this. It is part of why I want to get drunk every night. Because little by little, it happens to everyone I know - EVERYONE EITHER LEAVES ME OR I AM FORCED TO LEAVE THEM. And being all alone in this world, truly alone, is my absolute greatest fear. Fuck snakes and spiders and height and fire and torture and a painful death - my fear is having NO ONE. Maybe that's why I do risky, unhealthy shit like fuck my brother's friend? Fuck.
I don't have anybody. I can't tell anyone the whole truth about anything.
No one really loves me. No one TRULY cares - like, no one I know feels like their life would fall apart (like mine has since Vin died) if I died.
Maybe I am not worth it?
