Blah

Haven't been feeling much like blogging. Have much to say, but can't seem to be able to put word to keyboard, as it were. Lots going on in my head, but work is keeping me tied up for the most part, so I just don't have time to sit here and figure out how to say what I want.

I think I'll start doing porn so I can raise myself enough money to get a computer. Blogging and emailing from work has become a total pain in my ass.

On the bright side....I'm in a good mood today.

Somebody ask me something. Anything. I need something to spark an idea for a halfway decent post, before all of you quit reading altogether.

Copied from OrdinaryJoe...

You're Lolita!

by Vladimir Nabokov

Considered by most to be depraved and immoral, you are obsessed with
sex. What really tantalizes you is that which deviates from societal standards in every
way, though you admit that this probably isn't the best and you're not sure what causes
this desire. Nonetheless, you've done some pretty nefarious things in your life, and
probably gotten caught for them. The names have been changed, but the problems are real.
Please stay away from children.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Thanks for the idea, OJ. I think they got me right, too.

FUCK Valentine's Day

I'm going out and getting sloppy drunk and wallowing in the fact that I'm still in love and hoping and praying and trying to work it out even though he has now moved 700 miles away.

Yes, I'll explain all that later. But for now, FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY.

(And I'm not even going to be my usual nice self and apologize for offending anyone who is happy and in love right now. Screw you too.)

the song in my head...

Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin, some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

CHORUS
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger?
Did you ever let your lover
See the stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't someone else?
You should know by now,
You've been there yourself

Once I used to believe I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
Though I pressed her for a reason,
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes

REPEAT CHORUS

You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions,
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along

~Billy Joel, The Stranger

Friday's Quote

"What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you." ~Chris Isaak, Wicked Game

"Well I'm sitting here alone tonight and I'm thinking about you. Wondering if it's wrong or right to be dreaming about you oh." ~Chris Isaak, You Took My Heart

Marriage

What is marriage, really? What is it all about, why do people do it, and what is the point?

All my life I have always wanted to be married. Maybe it's a girl thing, I don't know. And it wasn't about the wedding itself, either. It was about being married. Hell, my ideal wedding has been to get married in Vegas ever since I was about 18 or 19. A simple, tiny ceremony...intimate. Cheesy? Perhaps, but I love that kind of cheesy because to me, it's romantic.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I've always wanted to be married. Until I read something today that made me think differently. Now I'm starting to realize that all my lofty ideas of marriage and what it means are all basically just crap. I was naive to think of marriage the way I did - as some beautiful expression of how much love two people can share, and wanting to announce it to the world with a ring around their finger. I'm finally realizing it's a pipe dream. No more attainable than me being a brain surgeon or a queen.

So I pose it to all of you - what the hell is marriage for? Is anyone ever fucking HAPPILY married? Is there a point to all of it? Do couples really stay together anymore, or is all of it just time wasted between the wedding and the divorce?

I'm completely serious. I really want more opinions on this - I need feedback.

kids

I used to say that I never wanted kids because I didn't like kids.

It was silly, really. Every time I was actually around kids and spent any amount of time with them, I liked them. We got along fine.

The thing is, I just haven't had much exposure to children or spending time with them. If someone else is with me that's better with kids than I feel I am, then I'm fine. I get comfortable in a matter of minutes, and kids respond positively to that.

I realized the other day that I've never met a kid that I could honestly say I didn't like. I'm just not used to them.

Now, instead of thinking about how I don't want kids because I don't like them...I think about how maybe it's more that I don't want kids because I'm afraid they won't like me.

At this point, that's neither here nor there. I'm not having kids any time soon...and if I'm completely honest with myself, the chances that I'll ever have kids of my own are slim to none. I suppose I could wind up marrying someone with kids, and then I'd have stepkids. Would they hate me? Or would they come to be kids that I'd consider as "my own"? I'll have to ponder that.

Which reminds me. Did I tell you that I found out Vin has three kids, not two like he told me? What a weird mindset he must have been in to lie about that. Or anything, really. LOL. It's all good.

holy crap

I'm over 3,000!

You like me. You really like me!

Hm. Maybe I'll try to think of another '100 Things' in honor of the occasion.

I wish that I had more time to blog lately. There is so much I want to say and I just haven't had the time because work is keeping me swamped. I need to figure out a way to make more money so I can get a computer and internet access at home. That would be huge.

Let me know if you want to give me money.

LMAO.

something i just made up

more than my pillow and blanket when i'm sleeping through my alarm
more than brad pitt or johnny depp - just because of your charm

more than the sun on my face when my mind's full of clouds
more than the stereo in my car when i turn it up loud

more than fresh flowers picked just for me
more than a shower when i'm super dirty

more than the sound of children at play
more than a quiet snowfall on a balmy winter's day

more than swearing when i'm really really mad
more than any other lover i've had

more than chocolate or salt when i have pms
more than a note from my boss that says "you're the best!"

more than i ever thought that i would
more than i even probably should

this is just a glance at how much i love you
keep it close to your heart, for all of it's true

Stuck in my head

Sheryl Crow...

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

Friday's Quote

I am a work in progress
Dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding
Offering me intricate patterns of questions
Rhythms that never come clean
And strengths that you still haven't seen

~Ani DiFranco, The Slant

Sex

No, I didn't get any. TC and I couldn't get together two weekends ago for various reasons, and I wasn't feeling like myself this past weekend and decided instead of making plans to meet him in person, that I'd rather stay in and think.

For those of you who don't read other blogs on my list of "Blogs I read", you may not have seen that Sparta has outted himself as Vin. My Vin.

Rather than dwell on that right now, what I'd really like to say is that I'd much rather be back to blogging about sex. I'm sick of talking about boring relationship stuff. I'd rather indulge my readers in my fantasies of threesomes and other sexual adventures. With an enormous project out of the way at work, I may be able to get back to having time to write here again...and hopefully I'll have more delightful things to chat about besides being torn up about my relationship.

My apologies to anyone that has died as a result of the boredom experienced while viewing this site over the last few weeks. I promise, I have sex on the brain and it's only a matter of time before it flows down into my fingertips and onto the keyboard and straight to all y'all.

Hugs and kisses to all who have been so extraordinarily supportive through this mess. I only wish I could deliver them all in person.