Discoveries

So I recently realized that I'm a crappy writer. I have little to say lately, and what I do write, sucks big time. This isn't a huge problem in the grand scheme of things - it's not like I'm trying to make a living as a writer or anything. But it is somewhat of a let down - I thought I was better than I am. It's kind of like people that think they have a good sense of humor, are good drivers, are talented enough to entertain you with their rendition of Eminem's latest tune blasting from your car stereo...you get the idea. We all think we have some little talents and most of us do - but mine is not writing, and it's time I faced the facts.

I've also recently come to realize that this relationship with Vin is not what I thought it was. At All. That's hard to admit, and even harder to elaborate on. But I can say this - I am ready to face that every indicator points to this one solid point of fact - he is not going to leave his wife. And I know that there are things I will have to do in light of this fact. Whether or not I'm ready to do them is another matter. (Indicators are things like: he won't talk about our "one year timeline" and plans for the future; I've told him repeatedly over the past few weeks that there is much I'd like to talk to him about, and yet he cannot find the time to talk to me either in person or over the phone; he consistently fulfills obligations he has to his wife, kids, and inlaws - which shows more the picture of a committed family man rather than someone who is supposedly about to leave his wife. There's more, but these are the things that really stand out.)

My therapy is finally truly getting started. I saw the psychiatrist - she assured me that Prozac is fine for me to be taking for the symptoms I indicated. She then referred me to a therapist so that I could talk to someone about what's going on in my head. I had 2 sessions with that lady and due to scheduling conflicts, she referred me to someone else. I'm seeing the new lady this Friday. We'll see how it goes. The first therapist asked what I'd like to get out of therapy. I told her I'd like to get "me" back. I elaborated that I am starting to hate this person I've become. Weak. Easily manipulated. Submissive. Passive. Quiet. Trusting - too trusting. Constantly lying to myself and ignoring my gut feelings. I also told her that I wanted help understanding Bipolar and how to deal with it, so that I could be more supportive to Vin. She agreed, but then asked me how long I plan to stay in a relationship I'm not getting anything out of. Which was kind of unfair - I never said I am not getting anything out of this relationship - plus, she'd only seen me for 1 1/2 sessions when she said that. On the other hand, it's not a totally unfair statement. I do get things out of this relationship - but the real question is whether or not I'll ever get everything I need out of this relationship. That's what I'm trying to face.

I never thought at 32 that I'd be so fucked up. I had plans, man! Not gigantic, grand plans either. They were simple. Easy for most people.

So how'd I fuck it up so bad?

Duh

Excerpts from an article in today's St. Paul Pioneer Press: (bold - emphasis, mine)

After 15 years, St. Paul resident Mary Knatterud can finally enjoy a quiet supper with her children and rest a little easier at night. All it took was soundproofing for her home.

Knatterud is one of 18 Newell Park property owners who have received forgivable loans from a community development organization to install heavy-duty doors and double-paned windows, with a goal of reducing round-the-clock noise from the nearby Burlington Northern Sante Fe railroad's transfer hub.

The narrow, half-mile-long hub, at Snelling Avenue and Pierce Butler Route, sits across the street from a stretch of residential homes. Every month, the facility handles nearly 17,000 transfers of containers and trailers onto and off trains, according to Steve Forsberg, the railroad's spokesman.

Although noise issues have been evident for decades, complaints rose dramatically in the past 10 years because the hub began operating between midnight and 3 a.m., said Seth Benziger, coordinator of the Newell Park Noise Reduction Loan Program.

The forgivable loans — ranging from about $3,600 to $8,500 — were awarded based on household income and proximity to the hub. The loans work more like grants, with residents required to repay them only if they move out within five years, Benziger said.

To me, this is just like the people that move in next door to the airport and then piss and moan about the air traffic noise.

Um....HELLO?!?!

I have some advice for those people - DON'T MOVE INTO A DWELLING NEXT TO SOMETHING NOISY UNLESS YOU'RE DEAF OR DON'T CARE ABOUT NOISE.

I moved into an apartment bldg less than a block away from a railroad crossing that has trains coming and going at all hours of the day and night - and because of the route it travels, it has to cross three-four streets within a 2 mile radius of my apartment. Which means blaring train horns at every crossing, no matter the time of day/night. Did I take this into account when I decided to live there? You bet. Do I now bitch about the noise at 2am on a weeknight - fuck no! I knew what I was getting into when I moved in - and so did these people.

Am I the only one who thinks these people are pissy little whiners?

Oh wait - do I care if I'm the only one? Not so much.

Thinking

I was thinking earlier about what a bitch I am for having such an "I told you so" attitude about the whole Jodie/Ted breakup. I began to wonder if I was jealous of the fact that she could have such an easy, normal breakup with a guy and not become completely wrecked over it.

Then I took into account the fact that she's kidding herself about most of it, and that made me feel better. See, I spoke to Ted's brother Ed today. (Ed works with me.) Ed starts to go on and on about how he could see how frustrated Ted had been getting over the fact that Jodie never wanted to go anywhere or do anything other than go to the bar, and how frustrating it was that she never wanted to leave the 10 mile radius surrounding her apartment. He also said that Ted was fairly offended that she never, in the three months they were dating, EVER offered to pay for anything. Ever. Not once. Now, considering she made more money than him and he knew it (I'm not sure Jodie was aware of this until near the end) it really bothered him - especially when it came to shit like her running out of cigarettes at the bar and making him pay for them. Ed said Ted had even mentioned this to their mother, which I took to mean it was something he was fairly offended by. Ed went on about several other things that Ted had mentioned that really bothered him about Jodie, but you get the idea.

The point is - if she knew the truth, it wouldn't be as "easy" a breakup as she's making it out to be.

The other point is this - I began to wonder if I was jealous of the ease with which she could just take or leave the situation; jealous of how uncomplicated her life must be in that regard. Until I realized that she will probably not ever know true love. (She boils ALL of her past relationships down to some character flaw/problem/or something he fucked up on the part of the male.) And it made me glad that for as difficult as it is for my mind and heart some days, I'll gladly take this feeling over the emptiness of never knowing what it means to be completely immersed in another human being. It's worth the trouble. The pain. The heartache.

And hopefully, one day, it will mean more positives than negatives. For me, anyway.

Jodie got dumped

Remember awhile back I was talking about Jodie going out with (what turned into her new b/f) Tim? I talked about it here and here.

Well, he dumped her this week. Here's the lowdown. Ted called Jodie on Monday night and said that he took a second job and due to his now hectic work schedule, he just doesn't think he's going to have time left for her. He said he needs to get his shit together because at 38, he doesn't have any money saved and at the rate he's going he may never own a house. He said he doesn't want to keep going to the bar so much and that he really just needs to focus on himself right now. Jodie didn't really get upset or anything. (Not in front of me, anyway.) She said she was not that surprised - the "L" word had never come up, and she was beginning to see that their relationship didn't really have a future if it kept going in the direction it was. She said "Plus, I don't think he even made as much money as me. Not that I'm a gold-digger or anything,[editors note: yeah right!!] but he mentioned a buddy of his that made $38,000 a year, and he made it seem like that was a really big deal, which leads me to believe he made a lot less than that, which is not a good sign. I'd hate to think I was making more than my man." (Yes, it was nearly impossible for me to avoid rolling my eyes at her, but I did manage.) Anyway - she says she's fine about it, and she thinks that he's having some sort of mid-life epiphany and realizing that it's time for him to grow up. I personally think it's possible that he just got sick of fucking her. (Yeah, that was low - sue me.) I think he also hated it that she never wanted to do anything besides go to the bar. He'd asked her to do other things like go to the Uptown Art Fair and things like that, and every time she shot it all down. She told him flat out that she hates and refuses to go anywhere that has large gatherings of people and that she was totally uninterested in going to Minneapolis (which is where he lives). Which sucked for him because he really likes going out and doing things like that. Additionally, they got into a 'tiff' the other night because he insisted on driving her home from the bar even though he was completely wasted. She said she argued with him for awhile but eventually caved and let him drive home. The next day when she talked to him about it, he said he couldn't even remember driving home, and definitely didn't remember them arguing about it. He never apologized, which was another thing she didn't like about him - no matter the situation, even if he conceded to being wrong or inappropriate in the end, he never apologized. (That last part about him driving her home drunk pretty much enraged me, but I bit my tongue - she knows better and if she's going to be that stupid, she'll just have to learn her lesson the hard way. I've picked them up from the bar on numerous occasions without hesitation or complaint - they know they have a ride when they need it.)

Of course I wasn't the least bit surprised. I also don't feel bad about the whole thing - anyone with half a brain could see they were more like drinking buddies that fucked than boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm not kidding when I tell you that all they EVER did was either go to the bar and drink (then come home and fuck like monkeys) or go to her friend's house and drink (then fuck like monkeys) or go to a movie - after which he'd just drop her off at home which makes me wonder - did he not have any interest in fucking her sober?? At any rate, since that time, I've heard her boil it all down to other people on the phone as "He's a drunk and needs to get sober" and "He didn't make that much money anyway - we didn't have a future."

I fucking love that - he dumps her, and she has to make it about his character flaws. It's like she has absolutely NO CLUE that she may have had a hand in being the reason he broke up with her. Wow. I really doubt there is anyone more self-centered than Jodie.