Okay I'll say it:

Sometimes I really can't stand having a stupid boyfriend that does stupid things because he is stupid and needs me to tell him what to do CONSTANTLY.

I shouldn't have to tell him not to stay up until 6am playing fucking video games with his IDIOT fucking friend - he knew he had to get up at 9:30 to apply for the job around 10:00 this morning. I also shouldn't have to tell him to FUCKING PREPARE by having names and phone numbers for references available - HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO FILL OUT A JOB APPLICATION.

HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?? What part about that was even remotely fucking challenging? Seriously! USE YOUR FUCKING HEAD - YOU ARE A 34 YEAR OLD GROWN ASS FUCKING MAN who should NOT need your fucking girlfriend to tell you to not stay up until dawn and to have something prepared. It's really NOT that fucking hard to not fuck it up.

But hey, it's all good moron. You just keep right on working at the job you have now for $10/hour and no benefits where you never have two days off in a row and couldn't go on a vacation if you wanted to. Get back to me when you're 60 and let me know how that's working out for you. Idiot.

Grrrrrrr

Okay - it needs to be said: I hate living with this roommate. She wants to be dating me because she thinks she's in love with me, so she's constantly whining about how often my boyfriend is there. I tried to ask if it would help if we just spent time in my room after she gets home from work, and she said no.

So now I am forced to tell my boyfriend he can't spend the night at my place during the week anymore - that we can only hang out at his house during the week, which sucks because I can't spend the night there because his bed is horrific. (Yes, it's really that bad.)

I'm guessing this *still* won't satisfy the fucking roommate.

THAT IS IT!!!!!!!

It was unofficially something I just "wanted to do" for the thrill, but is now something I am GOING TO MAKE HAPPEN: I am going to set up a network of men (preferably married men) to make money from so that I will absolutely, without a doubt, be able to afford to live on my own when this lease is up. Fuck cleaning people's houses and doing their taxes and helping them with their computers - I need to make some REAL money, and this is how I'm going to do it.

After this year, I will *never* have to worry about ever HAVING to take on a roommate ever again because I will be able to afford to live alone. Then I won't have to deal with all this ridiculous fucking BULLSHIT!!!!

I mean FUCK! It's not like we're loud - I can say without a doubt that we're anything but! And we're NOT in my room fucking while the roomie is home, out of respect. So what IS the fucking problem then?? Why the FUCK should she care how often ANYONE is there, ever? I mean I could understand if it was everyday and a lot of people, but we're talking 1-2 weeknights and 1-2 weekend nights (most often one night; rarely two nights between Friday and Sunday).

Fuck all this shit. I am just sick to fucking death of her and her stupid fucking bullshit.

Craving

I am craving a spanking. Punishment.

I crave it - long for it - and would actually beg for it if the man in my life were capable of delivering, which he's totally not.

I need the sting, the humiliation, the submission. Need to be dominated, controlled.

Nothing turns me on more.

I hate thinking of other things while he's eating me out just so I can get off...but that's what I do.

I've tried to explain it to him. He has tried to understand. But the simple fact of the matter is that he has no self-confidence; almost non-existent self-esteem. He is incapable of taking charge of me in the bedroom...or anywhere else for that matter.

I swear, if I don't get to release the steam valve and let some of this out soon I'm going to fucking explode.

The Past: November 18 - 19, 2007

Originally written November 18th and 19th, 2007:

November 18th:

I can't stop crying.


November 19th:

I don't hate my life. I only hate that he's not in it. I AM JUST SO SAD.

The Past: November 1, 2007

Originally written November 1, 2007

I had a dream last night that Vin wasn't really dead. It wasn't a good dream. He had faked his own death to get away from me. For some reason, I found his phone and it kept ringing and the caller ID said "VIN." I answered and the caller hung up. Then I somehow found out that he was living in Duluth. Suddenly he was there, in front of me, and I completely freaked out. He was grinning at me like an asshole. I nearly passed out. I grabbed him by the throat and started choking him and screaming in his face, "Do you have any idea how much that fucked me up?!?!" and a ton of other things. I twisted him around and pushed him into a wall and he was laughing at me and saying something like, "Careful!" Then he looked like Chandler from Friends. I let go of him and he said, "I did it to leave you" and I said, "You're lying!" Then He said, "I love you...not anymore" and I replied, "That a lie, too!" I knew in my heart that it was lie and I could see in his eyes he was lying. Then I woke up.

I was not drunk last night.

The Past: October 1, 2007

Originally written October 1, 2007

Missing Vin is an emptiness inside me that doesn't go away.

I cry so much more often now. I used to have to be drunk for that, but now I don't.

The Past: September 13, 2007

Originally written September 13, 2007

It's my first boyfriend's birthday today. It's weird sometimes the random shit you remember.

Vin is smiling with pride in heaven today - I am registered for and ready to start school. I hate that he's not physically here to share this with me.

The Past: August 15, 2007

Originally written August 15, 2007

This is from an episode of Third Watch I was watching today.

Sullivan is talking to this priest he used to know, and the priest offers this gem:

"There are no easy answers. What's important is what you do now. Where you go from here. The true measure of your character is how you respond. What you do with the opportunity God is givng you. OPPORTUNITY... to realize how blessed you are. If we don't have losses, if there are no trials, how are we to know how important what we have is? God is challenging you. You can be angry, bitter, defeated, isolate yourself, become a drunk, a hermit, withdraw from life....OR..."

Sullivan replies, "Or?"

The Priest says, "OR."

Yeah. I'm pretty sure this episode aired today just for me.

The Past: August 9, 2007

Originally written August 9, 2007

I just miss having someone to really talk to.

I miss having a best friend.

I miss having someone I can tell everything to and not be judged.

I miss having someone to be close with.

I hate this.

The Past: August 7, 2007

Originally written August 7, 2007

Okay, so I don't hate myself. I am not a piece of shit. I'm not having sex anymore for a long time, though, either.

I don't feel guilty about the other night with my brother's friend. I only feel shitty about being fat. You know for two weeks recently, I ate healthy - no fast food, no soda...and didn't lose a fucking pound. Guess I'm not going to lose shit until I give up booze, which isn't happening right now.

My therapist kept telling me to go to Al-Anon. Wonder if her advice would have been different if I'd been honest with her about how much I actually drink? Seems unlikely. At any rate, I actually considered Al-Anon, if only to make some new fucking friends. Which may help with a lot of things, chief among them being the fact that I feel like I have to cut Phoebe out of my life. Well, her bullshit anyway, but since I can't separate them, I don't know what else to do.

The thing with Pheobe is that I refuse to accept the life she has chosen for herself. I accept it no more than anyone I know would accept my life choices if I suddenly quit my job, lived off government money, and started selling meth. See? Some things are just plain unacceptable. But they are all CHOICES and that is what Pheoble refuses to accept or admit. Every step in her life is a choice - not trying to get well, not trying to get off the drugs, not losing weight, not doing ANYTHING that would give her the possibility of getting healthy - ALL FUCKING CHOICES.

I refuse to accept her VICTIMHOOD. She lives off government money out of laziness, fear, self-loathing, and just plain refusal to try and I despise that. It is a devastating feeling to hate your best friend's choices and no there is nothing - simply nothing more you can do to help. I mean FUCK! I hate that I despise her behavior - I hate that I am angry! But dammit, I can't fix her. And I refuse to continue to attempt to help someone who REFUSES TO HELP THEMSELF. I hate that I feel like the only way for me to stop getting sucked into her pity party is to separate myself from her and just stop listening to the babbling brook of bullshit that she can't seem to stop spewing.

Seriously! Who the fuck CHOOSES to live off social security at the age of fucking 30!?!?!?!? And how the FUCK does our government even let shit like that happen? Think about it. She's paid into the system (part-time) for under 10 years total. By the time I retire, I'll have paid into the system for over 40 years at full-time DECENT pay - roughly less time than she will have been LIVING OFF IT FOR FREE. Just how the FUCK does that even work? That makes no fucking sense to me at all.

I just want to scream at her! FUCK YOU!! GET OFF YOUR FAT, LAZY, BULLSHITTING ASS AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR FUCKED UP LIFE!!!!!!!! STOP MAKING THIS CHOICE TO BE MISERABLE AND ALONE AND UNHAPPY AND STOP LOOKING FOR EVERYONE TO PITY YOU AND DO SOMETHING YOU FUCKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or, on the other hand, just lay down and die like you've been trying to do for the last three years. Either way, I can't sit around and watch you anymore.

LOOK, I am not a terrible person. The thing is, though, I just can't accept that my previously beautiful, normal friend has decided to turn her life to toal shit and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it. I simply do NOT know how to deal with this. It is part of why I want to get drunk every night. Because little by little, it happens to everyone I know - EVERYONE EITHER LEAVES ME OR I AM FORCED TO LEAVE THEM. And being all alone in this world, truly alone, is my absolute greatest fear. Fuck snakes and spiders and height and fire and torture and a painful death - my fear is having NO ONE. Maybe that's why I do risky, unhealthy shit like fuck my brother's friend? Fuck.

I don't have anybody. I can't tell anyone the whole truth about anything.

No one really loves me. No one TRULY cares - like, no one I know feels like their life would fall apart (like mine has since Vin died) if I died.

Maybe I am not worth it?

The Past: August 5, 2008

Originally written August 5, 2008 (*totally* drunk)

I quit therapy. It was taking a serious toll on my pocket book and eating up all of my paid time off from work, and that was putting more stress on me than the therapy was relieving, so fuck that.

So I fucked one of my brother's friends last night. Had a serious crush on him since about high school, so it was a dream come true. Except it wasn't because I *sucked* and I don't mean that in a good way! Not only could I not make him cum, which maybe wasn't my fault due to all the blow he'd been doing all day, I couldn't even keep him hard! NIGHTMARE!! Whatever. I feel like a total piece of shit.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure I am a total fairure at life. I can't stand most of my loser fucking friends and I hate my job and I live with my brother and I have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to do about any of it.

What the hell!? Why couldn't I even keep this dude hard? Is he that repulsed by me that I made him go SOFT? Here I was bragging about my awesome head skills and then he whips his dick out and I literally gasped - fucker is HUGE! I can't suck big dicks! I'm fucking terrible at it! What a loser. What a total fucking loser.

Failure.

1. I will never say I can suck a dick again until I see it first.
2. I am too fat for car sex.
3. I am too fat for SEX. Period. If I can't even keep a guy hard? yeah.
4. I am a piece of shit.

The Past: July 25, 2007

Originally written July 25, 2007

It is hard to admit that I feel sometimes like I don't know how to live without him. And sometimes that's why I drink - to get honest with myself and feel it and admit it and be sad and cry.

You know what's fucked up? That in MOST WAYS he was a far, far, FAR, FAR, FAR better friend to me than anyone of these fucks I hang out with all the time...except Jay because he doesn't treat me like Phoebe or Timmy does and the only leg up Jay has on Timmy's wife, Joan [also a close friend of mine], is that he didn't take Cricket from me.

The Past: June 26, 2007

Originally written 6/26/07:

June (Vin's wife) sent me a couple of his personal items - got them in the mail today. Seems like the perfect excuse to get drunk to me! She sent a note - "Here is Vin's favorite comic book [The Crow] and his favorite watch. I know you'll take good care of them. ~ June" I don't know how in the fuck she could have known about The Crow - that freaks me the fuck out. [ed. note: Vin and I had matching rings that he got from Hot Topic - they said "Real love is forever" on the outside, which is a quote from The Crow.] I knew the watch was coming - she'd asked me via email awhile back if there was anything of his that I wanted and I requested the watch, saying I always liked how it looked on him and knew how much he liked it...and that he had several watches, so if she didn't mind, I wanted that one. What I didn't tell her is that it was the watch I bought him - and the one he wore the most because it was extremely lightweight, and he had bad wrists. The other watches in his collection were too heavy for him to wear for any length of time.

What really sent my head spinning is her handwriting - it's almost fucking *identical* to Vin's. It was surreal. I started crying before I even opened the package.

The loss of Vin is a much bigger void than I ever could have anticipated. When he died, I believe a piece of my heart went with him.

Sometimes, it feels like time is not really passing at all, because I still hurt and ache inside the way I did right after he left. How do I move on if time is standing still?

The Past: 6/21/07

Originally written 6/21/07

I need to write even though it won't make any sense because of course I'm drunk.

Two Iraqi vets in teh news today - one shot by police because he was drunk, aimed a shotgun at them and they shot and killed him, justified. The other was sentenced to one year ONE YEAR in jail for drunk driving and killing a 16 year old girl. Claimed PTSD, which I believe, actually. And that's why I'm drunk and crying. I'm not afraid my brother will die in Iraq when he gets deployed - I'm afraid he'll come back a mother fucken MESS. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Past 5/28/07: Memorial Day

Originally written 5/28/07, Memorial Day:

I woke up crabby today. Didn't want to go to Auntie G's for her stupid Memorial Day breakfast. Mostly because it's not at my mom and dad's house and it's OUR fucking tradition to have people at OUR house...but they don't live there any more. But I was also crabby that Vin is dead. The first time I ever took him to meet my family it was Memorial Day 2003. Four fucking years ago. Back when I was in LOVE, not PAIN. Back when I thought I'd met the man I would marry - not the man I'd spend months (years??) GRIEVING OVER.

ANGER. ANGER. ANGER. PAIN AND ANGER AND GRIEF AND MORE FUCKING ANGER!!!

Oh yeah. Found this little gem I'd forgotten about when I was getting drunk and reading my book tonight...

"Life can be as bitter as dragon tears. But whether dragon tears are bitter or sweet depends entirely on how each man percieves the taste." ~Dean Koontz, "Dragon Tears" (book)