Um...yeah

So I wonder how many pages you have to scroll through before you get to my blog from Google using only the word "clit" as your search term? Or was it Yahoo? I forget. I've been seeing some really weird search term stuff...and I just wonder....when whoever gets here by whatever means....are they satisfied or disappointed??

Sure wish they'd comment either way. That could be fun/educational/interesting for me.

Help for the inept

Okayyyyy so I was fucking around trying to change some shit on my blog, and I have discovered that I really am as inept at this shit as I thought. I need template help.

Watching...

Do you ever let your partner (or anyone, for that matter) watch you masturbate?

I love when he watches me touch myself. I love that it gives him a thrill to watch me get off...and I love it even more when he helps by inserting a finger or two...or when he gets out a toy and works it into my pussy or my ass just the way I like it. But even when he's not helping and he's just sitting there watching, it's an amazing turn on for me. So much so, that even when he's not there watching, I pretend he is. I have found that I cum much harder if I imagine I'm being watched.

If you don't let your partner watch - why not?

I'm curious.

Dear Asshole Clothing Designer that made my pants,

First of all, you suck. I bet you thought you were being clever, or perhaps "trendy" or "inventive" when you decided to put the zipper on the SIDE of my fucking pants (ah, without a button or snap at the top either, fucknuts), but let me tell you something - when you are a person of size (read: fat) there's nothing clever, trendy, or inventive about it. It's just a pain in the ass!! One that has caused me to nearly pee my pants on more than one occasion. In conclusion - when making large girl pants, put the fucking zipper where it is fucking supposed to be - in the fucking front, in the fucking middle. DO IT NOW!!! Sincerely, Someone who will never be stupid enough to buy side-zippered pants ever again.

Maybe it's the weather

What a sucky time of year for Minnesota weather. It's 60 degrees one day, 40 the next, 55 the next, rain and snow and a high of 35 predicted for the next. WTF? It's crap, total crap I say. Just when you're getting all excited that spring is coming and you're doing a little jig in your head, you get pounced on by windy cold. Fucken weather.

So I've decided that maybe it's the weather that's causing my recent doldrums. Causing? Hm. That seems inaccurate. Whatever - it's not helping, anyway. Plus, the advent of Spring is always a bit of a pain in the ass for people like me. I believe the clinical term is "Anal Retentive", but I just like to think of myself as a "Dirty Mess Challenged"...which means I can't stand to live in a disorganized, cluttered, dirty, messy space. No matter how clean and organized my living space is, when Spring starts coming, I automatically think EVERYTHING is wrong with the apartment and feel absolutely COMPELLED to clean and organize it RIGHT THIS MINUTE. And it doesn't just apply to my living space. Unfortunately, it applies to my entire life. Some people have New Year's Resolutions - I have Spring Cleaning-itis. I attempt (note the use of the word "attempt") to take stock of my entire life and break it down into categories of Shit I Need To Fix. Initially, this goes well...but inevitably, it winds up being a festival of tears for me because I am putting everything that's wrong with me under my mind's microscope. Not a good idea for someone with a very low self-esteem to begin with. Suffice it to say, I usually wind up feeling defeated because it's too much to fix today, this month, this quarter, or even this year. Mind you, I still feel like I need to DO something. It's like sitting at a stop light and revving your engine - or better yet, doing a brake stance...only the light never changes to green. Annoying, to say the least.

Friday's Quote

(From the movie Terms of Endearment)

Aurora: "Let me give you some advice."
Vernon: "Yes?"
Aurora: "Don't worship me until I've earned it."

Oops

Okay...the day kind of got away from me here - I leave work at 12:30, so I'm gonna make this quick. I added some links to my sidebar - check 'em out if you're interested.

I have nothing interesting to say today. It's been kind of a crap week, and I'm glad it's Friday so I can get the hell out of here and spend the majority (if not the entire) weekend completely stoned. I hope you all (well, at least those of you that smoke weed) have lots of kind, sticky, smelly buds to enjoy this weekend. I know I sure do. :)

I suck (and not in a good way)

I wish I had a dime for every time I've read into something he's said or done. Last night's a good example. I'm too lazy, and it's too stupid to even blog about, really.

Suffice it to say that there are times when I could really benefit from having more face to face conversations with him. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. I'm guessing it's hard for just about everyone, but I'm going out on a limb to say that I think it's even harder for us because of the way it all happened. I sometimes wish I'd been consulted truthfully about the entire situation before everything got to be the way it is. But really, that's neither here nor there. We can't go back and change it - we just have to figure out the best way to live with things as they are and make the best of a situation that isn't the most ideal for the purposes of having a great relationship.

But sometimes, like last night, I don't know where the fuck my head is at. I don't know why I read into things the way I do. It's a habit I'm trying to break, but it's a hard one because it's a huge defense mechanism, and it acts like a security blanket at times.

I'm like that little kid from the movie Mr. Mom. I just don't wanna let my woobie go.

Makin' Noise

Dave of Mr 5.25 left me a nice comment regarding this post, which prompted me to go check out his page. While there, I read his post about getting a little nookie from the wife, and how he wishes she'd be more vocal. Specifically, that he'd like to hear how she was feeling when she was feeling it.

I have heard many people (the majority of which are men) say the same thing. I don't know why, but it really surprises me to find out that so many people make little or no noise - even while cumming. I've heard tales of women that make a barely audible "mmm" or "ahh" while cumming - sometimes even less. Many times, leaving their partners wondering (and some have to ask) whether or not they came. Why is this? Why stifle? Is it that they don't feel the need to be loud? Are they shy? Uncomfortable? Have they been taught to be quiet or silent? If so, by whom? Aren't they having any fun? Is it that it's not good? Do they feel noise is unwarranted?

I'm really curious about this. I myself find it nearly impossible to keep quiet. I let it all hang out there - moaning, screaming, gasping for air in the loudest possible manner. I don't TRY to be this way - it's just what happens naturally and I don't surpress it. I like what my partner is doing and does, and I let him/her to know it in the most vocal way possible. Hell, half the time I have to grab a pillow and shove it in my face, lest the neighbors be offended. (Apartment living sucks that way - I don't think it's fair to shove it in the neighbors' face that I'm having great sex - I NEVER hear them.)

I guess I just feel like that's the clearest signal to give as to whether or not I'm enjoying what's happening. To me, my noise and breathing are easy for my partner to tune in on, and it's easier for me than having to say (for example) "um, excuse me but could you find my clit, ever?" Basically, if I'm making no noise and my breathing is calm, that should be a clue to my partner that they haven't found my clit (or whatever hot spot they are aiming for.) It works vice versa, too - if I'm bucking my hips, breathing hard, and moaning loudly, my partner should easily be able to read that as "dear god don't stop don't ever fucking stop!" without me having to say so.

It's been my experience that men aren't very noisy - but they're breathing always gives them away. And very very few of them are capable of cumming with out at least a few grunts, groans, and moans. (Which, by the way, I love hearing - that's fucking hot.)

I don't know - I guess I just hope that the quiet women aren't being quiet because they think they have to, or because they think it's ladylike, or because they think noise is equated with porn stars and they see that as a bad thing. To me, being vocal during sex is liberating, and it has helped unleash some powerful feelings, emotions, lust, and best of all - literally Screaming Orgasms.

Let's make some noise, people.

Another Gem

From Brian Mercat:
2.19.2004
dear swampass,
i know life must be hard for you, what with satan living in your rectum. if only you knew what it felt like to wanna vomit and piss at the same time, mabey you would take a dump at your house, before you came to work. now, here i am, alone in the bathroom, afraid someone will walk in and blame me for your rugged aroma. thanks again,
says brian mercat 12:54 PM

Can't. Stop. Laughing. Is this guy living inside my head?

Good reads

Been blog-surfing a little lately...here's a few that I need to add to my "Blogs I read" list. Check 'em out:

Wanton Maleness

What the Hell is Wrong With You People?

Homeless Guy

letmeseethatstickforasecond - He hasn't posted much yet, but I think he's going to be a pretty entertaining read.

Two Blue Balls - So far, just about every post I've read has been amusing. Here's an example:
"dammit, i'm entirely fed up with my nutsack sticking to my legs. really, why should i have to spend so much time dealing with this? anyone selling velveteen holding sacks for testicles could make a fortune." says brian mercat

I have officially realized my need to invent velveteen holding sacks. Thanks, Brian.

You best watch your ass, Trump. This is the new billion-dollar idea.

Friday's Quote

"Please allow myself to introduce........myself." ~ Austin Powers

Wasn't thinking

I swore to myself when I started this blog that I would never delete a post. That what I wrote would stand, for better or worse. I have officially broken that promise. I posted something yesterday (if you read it, it was the I'm Sorry post) that hurt someone I love very much. It was never my intention to do such a thing. I wrote that post when I was in a very 'out of touch with reality' frame of mind. I have deleted that post, and it is for the better. It was an embarassing reminder of how I terribly overreacted, and I wish that the person I was saying 'I'm Sorry' to had never read it.

Email is a tricky little bitch. Sometimes, it is the only communication that he and I have due to him living 700 miles away and still living with his wife and kids. We have few opportunities to talk voice, and the times we do are often during working hours. That's fine for a 'hey how ya doin' kind of conversation, but it is not always ideal for bringing up deeper subjects. So....often, we have to rely on email. It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing has been that we've had some extremely deep, probing conversations via email. We've been asking each other very thought provoking questions, and email has allowed each of us to spend time writing how we really feel and what we really think. The curse is something I think we're all familiar with - there are times when you are trying to say one thing, and the recipient hears an entirely different message than what you are trying to convey.

This week we are suffering from the curse of misunderstanding one another via email. I meant one thing, he read another. He replied, and I read it even worse. I was in tears and feeling like a complete jackass, hence the 'I'm Sorry' post from yesterday. We did manage to talk things out and clear up the misunderstanding...but then he then read that post. The result was not good. I can only imagine how he felt - all he would say (via text messaging) is that it made him extremely upset and he couldn't calm down because he was feeling so incredibly terrible about hurting me. We haven't yet talked it out - he wouldn't call me last night.

What bothers me most about the whole thing is that he feels he is to blame. (He said that - not me.) I completely disagree. We both had a hand in making a mess of something that should have been simple. Besides that, I don't agree with EVER needing to assign blame. It does nothing to resolve a situation, and it leaves one or both partners feeling guilty - a feeling, in my opinion, that is a waste of time and energy. (SOME guilt can be helpful in that it can remind you not to repeat your mistakes...but A LOT of guilt is just a fucking waste.)

Worse, I don't know what to do to make him understand that these things sometimes happen. Misunderstandings and miscommunications happen. It doesn't mean that one person is bad or being awful to the other. It isn't the end of the world. I know he didn't intend to hurt me, and when I re-read his email I could clearly see where I had misinterpreted things yesterday. When I read the email today, it sounded completely different, and I can see now that the tone I read the first time, and the tone he was trying to convey were completely different.

I don't know how to 'fix' this between us right now, but I know it's going to be fine. I know that in the future there are some things that are better addressed over the phone, when we have the advantage of hearing tone instead of trying to guess how the other person is trying to sound.

One last thing I need to clear up here - yesterday's post about anger. I was angry because I knew that he was upset about the email I'd sent him, but instead of him telling me he was upset and just directly addressing the problem, he decided to ignore me. He sometimes does this, and I know he has his reasons, but that doesn't stop me from getting pissed about it. And because he was out of touch, I couldn't address him being upset. Can you see how this all just went from bad to worse?

In the end, I guess I really want to stress that sometimes I write without thinking, and wind up hurting people I love. I don't think about the effect my words will have and that can be very unintentionally damaging.

My new promise to myself is this. Rather than promising myself to never delete a post and stand behind what I write come hell or high water, I vow to THINK before I write, and never PUBLISH when I'm overly emotional. I will write, yes. But I will read it 24 hours later to be sure it is still how I truly feel, before posting it and risking hurting someone I love.

Anger

It's funny what anger does to me. It tightens my stomach and puts a frown on my face...tenses my jaw muscles and makes me feel as if every person that crosses my path is in imminent danger of being the object of my wrath.

What's funnier than what it does to me, is its ability to stick with me. I was angry yesterday afternoon, and it has barely subsided nearly 24 hours later. It always surprises me to go to bed angry only to find when I wake that sleep has done nothing to dissipate the feeling. I guess it is like many other emotions or feelings - if unresolved it is left to fester.

Bless Nine Inch Nails for "Pretty Hate Machine." I have yet to find a CD that makes me feel better when I am angry.

Heh heh heh...

Your Sexual Profile (you sexual deviant you...) by sparkledee
Name
Your Secret Kink Thing	You like being spanked.
Your Sexual Strength	Your amazing tongue!!
Your Sexual Weakness	You're terrified of penises.
Your Likely STD	Genital Herpes
How Many Partners in Crime?	a few too many...SLUT!
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

A little girl-on-girl action

Remember last week when I said I owed you a sex story about me and my female friend that I get to hook up with occasionally? Well, as promised:

We started out in the living room...we were having sodas and cigarettes. I put in some porn I knew she'd like (Award Winning Stars: Janine) and showed her which toys I brought, in particular the 'new' one she hadn't seen yet - the red dildo that you bought me. She liked that one. After awhile, I took her into her bedroom and got her about 1/2 undressed....I left her tshirt on because I know she likes it that way. Then I showed her how I wanted her to lay down on the bed...diagonal, so I could change positions easily and go from being on the bed w/her to standing on the floor and leaning over her because she has such an exceptionally tall bed. I crawled up there with her and began lightly running my fingers and hands over her arms and legs and telling her how wonderful her skin was. Then I grabbed some lotion and started to work it in everywhere. I started with her arms, then switched to her left leg - doing the calf first, then traveling slowly to her thigh. All the while repeatedly telling her how beautiful she is and how soft and smooth her skin is and what a delight it is to touch. I switched legs, and after I finished with the lotion on her thigh, I traced my fingers lightly across her pussy....brushing it every so slightly, almost as if it were an accident. She let out an almost inaudible moan, and I smiled broadly to myself. I teased her for awhile this way...rotating my touch between each of her thighs and her pussy. Then I took the lotion and started to smooth it over her hands, massaging each one at length. Then I returned my hands to her inner thighs, caressing and massaging gently...slowly working toward her pussy. I teased her pussy with the slightest touch of my hands, and then eased her thighs apart. She spread them willingly, and I leaned in and started kissing her lightly all over the insides of her thighs and pussy. I managed to pause slightly between kisses, to drag the anticipation out even further. Then I began to tease her with my tongue....dragging it slowly up one thigh and down the other, licking the inside crease between her thigh and her pussy deliberately before switching between thighs. Her legs began to tremble a bit, and I took it as my cue to start teasing her pussy directly with my tongue. I leaned into her pussy with my face, and licked each of her outter lips ever so slightly. She let out a gasp. I leaned in closer, and licked them again...this time with more pressure. This time, she moaned. It was too much for even me to bear - I could tease no longer. I slid a hand beneath each of her thighs, and planted my face directly in her pussy. I was licking slowly but deeply, curling my tongue around each of her pussy lips. I grazed her hole with my tongue and continued directly up to her clit...licking each side of it, then tracing circles around it. Her breathing was becoming more rapid, so I took it as my cue to speed things up a bit. After a few more teasing circles with my tongue, I took her clit directly in my mouth and began to simultaneously suck on it while flicking it with my tongue. That drove her wild. She started bucking her hips up and grinding her pussy into my face. I eased off ever so slighly by not sucking quite so hard, and slipped a finger into her dripping hole. I could feel her muscles contracting around my finger....and she gasped weakly "more". So I slipped a second finger into her and began working them in and out slowly, still licking in, on, and around her clit. This made her buck even harder, so I pushed even deeper into her. I could feel her start to cum (and hear - by this time she was moaning loudly each time my fingers dove into her) so I pushed in as far as I could, and put my lips directly on her clit and sucked while flicking my tongue. She grabbed my head with her hands and pulled me tighter into her, and came hard and loud...."oh god! Oh God! OH MY GODDDD!" I rode her orgasmic wave, my head bobbing up and down with each thrust of her hips. I never let go. When she was done, I took the pressure off her clit, but refused to remove my face or fingers from her pussy. I was determined that she was going to have several - not just one. I licked everywhere but her clit (fingers still inside her)...collecting her delicious juices with my tongue and savoring it like candy. After about 45 seconds, I could feel the walls of her pussy relax slightly, so I explored her clit with my tongue and found it still throbbing a bit. I put steady pressure on it with my tongue, and she moaned as if to let me know she was ready to go. I began working my fingers in and out of her, and running my tongue in quick circles around her clit. She started to cum almost immediately, so I increased the pace of both and again she exploded in orgasm. I repeated this process a few more times, and she finally made me stop completely after she'd had about 4 or 5 hard orgasms. It was delicious and delightful, and afterwards she expressed (with gratitude and a glow known only to those who've cum REALLY FUCKING HARD) that I was even better than last time...and in fact better than all the times we've done it before this. Yum.

New Blog to check out

I have a friend (who, for the time being, shall remain nameless I guess) that has just started a blog. Go check out Save Our Citizenship!

I can tell just from the first two posts that it's going to be an excellent blog by an excellent writer. Go....GO! Go check it out now!

Friday's Quote

"You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need." ~Rolling Stones

I'm OK

I'm okay. I just haven't been blogging.

I've decided that I'm probably too chicken to do porn.

I have forgiven Vin. He has moved to St. Louis with his wife and kids. We have set a goal of being together in one year's time. That's how long he figures he'll need to save up enough money to get a divorce and still be comfortable, and that's how long I'm locked into my current lease anyway. We are learning the intricacies of a long distance relationship. So far, it hasn't been fun. I haven't fully adjusted to all of this.

Though I haven't been writing, much has been on my mind. I have no doubts that I want to be with Vin, and no doubts that this relationship is worth persuing. The hard part hasn't been how I feel, but how everyone else sees it and feels about it. Which is more of an annoyance than a problem, really. Because although I care about what my friends and family have to say about my life, I by no means live by what they think I should be doing. Concern is nice, and appreciated. Telling me how to run my life and what to do with it will get you kicked to the curb.

I recently got to have some playful fun with my female friend that I occasionally get to hook up with - I'll give her a name and write about that very soon. This blog needs a giant pick-me-up, and a nice sex story might just do the trick.

Kisses all around.