Took the words right outta my mouth

Couldn't have said it better myself.

ANGER

Here's something I don't recommend - forgetting to take your prozac for about 4 days in a row, while simultaneously dealing with PMS.

[PARAGRAPH DELETED - It's not worth it]

I am so fucking angry right now that I can't even finish this motherfucking post.

I DON'T FUCKING DESERVE THIS, GOD DAMN IT.

I love to give head

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I LOVE TO GIVE HEAD.

I wasn't always this way. The first few times I did it, I didn't care for it one bit. I didn't know what I was doing, didn't care about the guys I was doing it with, it made me gag, and above all - cum tasted awful (if it didn't land in my hair, like the first time I did it). I decided quickly that I didn't like it, and was never going to do it again, simple as that. Oh how naive I was at 17!!

Then I got with a guy that turned the whole thing around for me. We'd been dating for awhile, and the first few times he asked me to give him head, I squirmed my way out of it without really giving a reason. When squirming out of it stopped working (damn, guys are persistent!) I finally told him it was because I didn't know how. (That's me, ever the diplomat...what was I going to say? "I don't wanna! Cum is nasty and penis makes me gag!" I don't think so.) Being the gentle lover that he was at the time, he ever so sensitively explained to me how and what to do. I remember it like it was yesterday. "Just pretend it's a sucker. A really, really tasty sucker. One that you want to last for a long time. And do what you'd do with that sucker. You'd lick it up and down some, and probably put it in your mouth and suck on it gently." He went on to say "Don't worry if you're doing it right or wrong. Just enjoy it. The more you enjoy what you're doing, the more I'll enjoy what you're doing. Take your time." Well hell, you can't really get better or more encouraging instructions than that! I did exactly what he told me to. I was nervous. I took my time. Somehow, I'd gone from refusing to do it to wanting to impress him; wanting him to really like it. (I'd like to say I was a true champ and swallowed, but I'd be lying.)

Afterwards, he gave me more praise than I'd ever heard in my life over a single sexual act. I mean seriously, he was gushing. (Pun intended.) And that's the key to the whole thing - he was so sincere in his flattery that I thought I was the best blow-job-giver this side of the Mason-Dixon line. (Incidentally, to this day I'm not positive if I was really good or not. All I know is that he TOLD me I was good, and that was the most important part.) His sincerity over how much he LOVED it made me want to do it again. (You know, just to see if it was a fluke or if maybe I should go into porn or something.) Turns out, the more praise I got, the more I wanted to do it; wanted to improve upon my technique and style. And the harder I tried, the more he liked it...and it basically snowballed from there.

[Side note from the Slut in me...] Back in the day (we're talking like 10 years ago), I rarely gave up the opportunity to give a guy head. Didn't matter how well I knew him, didn't matter whether or not I liked him, didn't matter whether or not I was going to get anything in return. I had a skill, dammit, and I wanted to show it off at every possible opportunity.

Giving head became a mixture of liking the praise I got and truly enjoying it for my own pleasure. More than a couple times, I've actually had orgasms JUST FROM SUCKING DICK. Not touching myself, not grinding on anything, not being touched...but solely from having a rock hard dick in my mouth and knowing that I'm getting a guy off. That has GOT to be one of the biggest turn-ons in the world for me - getting someone off. (And that's definitely not limited to men.)

When I was dating women, there was a stretch of a few years that I went without dick. What I find most ironic about that time period is that I didn't really miss intercourse so much...but I craved sucking cock like a fat kid craves cake. It surprises me to this day that I remained faithful during that time.

I love giving head to this day. I'm thankful to have a man that likes head. I've heard of some who don't, and I don't even know what to think about them, except to be grateful I haven't dated any.

I love how a dick feels in my mouth. I love to start with it completely flaccid, and work it up to that rock hard, practically bursting out of it's own skin status. I love the tiny noises a man makes - the sighs, the moans...pure music to my ears. And I love to swallow. It's not that I love the taste of cum all that much, (though as I'm saying that, I have an exception to the rule - Vin's cum is the sweetest I've ever tasted, and that's no fucking lie) but I like to finish what I've started. I can't think of a better way to finish a blow job than to have a guy's cum sliding down my throat. Like I always say, if you're gonna do something, do it right.

And remember...the more you like it, the more HE will.

Kisses.

Public Sex

According to a recent survey (taken by yours truly), there are a few people who read me that would like to hear about sex in public places.

How weird is it that I have zero experience with this??? I mean, I've had sex outdoors a couple times...on a hiking trail just off the highway and a few times in cars...but never in a truly public place.

I know! What the hell??

I think it's because I'm too shy, a total pussy. I've always been to scared we're going to get caught. When I think about that - 'getting caught' - I have to laugh a little bit, because I mean really, what's the worst that could happen? I'm practically an exhibitionist, so I doubt that I'd really care one way or the other if random people witnessed the event. And law enforcement? When was the last time I saw a cop wandering around looking for people having sex in public places?? Most of the public places I'd even think to have sex don't have cops wandering around in/on/around them. Could be because I live in Minnesota - cops on foot patrol is a rare sight here. In fact, other than at parades I don't think I've ever seen a cop on foot. But I digress. The point is, I haven't done it. And unless Vin instigates it, I doubt I ever will.

Am I missing out? Have you done it? Was it awesome? Was it a rush? Did it suck? Did you get caught? Did you like getting caught?

Tell me all about it. Maybe if I find out what I'm missing, I'll become the instigator!

Friday's Quote

"Depression is rage turned inward" ~Dr. Melfi, The Sopranos

Now there's an intersting idea that I hadn't really considered before. It would certainly explain a lot of things...at least to me, anyway.

Several people I love dearly have depression issues. From time to time, (including lately, I'm reluctant to admit) I too have had my bouts. The idea of depression (or at least some types of depression) being based on rage or anger not properly channeled makes a hell of a lot of sense to me. I can point to a lot of times in my life when I was depressed that could be attributed to my anger, and my reluctance to express it in a productive way. I hate confrontation, and often just 'eat' whatever it is I'm angry about in order to avoid a fight. (Odd behavior, considering I'm a Leo - stereotypically, we're the last to hide what we're thinking or feeling.) I'm working on it. I try to be more productive about my anger now than I did in the past, but I'm far from being an expert on the subject.

Incidentally, if anyone knows of any good books about that - expressing anger/rage in a productive way - give me a heads up.

Survey....kind of

Okay!

So who around here thinks I am too fucken boring for words lately?

Who'd like me to be more interesting?

Who'd like to inspire me?

Who's got a question for me?

Who'd like to hear a sex story?

Who'd like me to talk about how much I love to give head?

Who'd like me to talk about girls?

Who'd like to give me the next topic for a blog post?

Come on...help me out here people! I suck lately!!

Okay, I'll admit it...

Most of my pent-up WHATEVER that I mentioned in my last post...well...I think it boils down to pent-up sexual frustration. Most of which is my own damn fault, really. I mean, yea, I'm not having actual sex with another human because Vin is so far away, but that's not the only kind of sexual release in the world, and I know it. I should spending time masturbating...and I mean A LOT of time. So why don't I? What's the problem?? I don't know. Haven't been in the mood, really, but that shouldn't be an excuse. I think I just need more good porn to get me going. I have some good porn...but I need more of it. A lot more of it.

Bout time I get me a computer at home, don'tchya think? Sheesh.

Everyday, the list gets longer

Everyday, I'm forced to add another name to the list of people that can just KISS MY ASS!

So today is one of those days where I'm full of pent-up...EVERYTHING...and I feel like making a list of people who can just kiss my big white-girl ASS!!
- Jodie, my roomie, just for being herself.
- Timmy, the ex-b/f that I had my kid with, just for being himself. Oh, and for not calling me on Mother's Day, but instead sending me a fucking text message on my phone that said "happy mothers day". JACKASS. Oh, and I've decided to call him Timmy based on South Park's TIMMY! Because that's how I'm feeling about him right now. The name shall stay, no matter how I'm feeling. Let it serve as a reminder to me that he is incredibly dense and one-word oriented more often than I care to admit.
- Work, for reasons that should go w/out saying.
- My cats, (I don't know which one did it so they can both kiss my ass) for puking up a hairball in the middle of the night, WHICH I STEPPED IN on my way to the bathroom at about 4am in the dark. If that isn't the damned grossest feeling my toes could have at that hour, I don't know what is.

That's all I can think of for now. My ass will be available for kissing between the hours of now and forever.

My Boss

Damn it all...the one boss that I have that I actually like is leaving. I have two other bosses that, quite frankly, suck at being bosses/managers. The one I directly report to is the worst of two evils. She is neurotic, hates to delegate (which leads to her constantly coming in early, skipping breaks and lunch, and still having a pile of paperwork on her desk), never takes the day off, gives people the evil eye for calling in sick, assumes most of us couldn't function without her micromanaging us, and worst of all, rarely (if ever) gives us any praise. Other than that, she's a pretty nice lady. Good at most of what she does, but a terrible, terrible manager. She's a first-time manager, so I cut her slack by not being an asshole to her like I want to be most of the time, but that's not an excuse for trying to learn to be a better manager.

Damn that one boss for leaving!!!

My Mama

So I hung out w/my mom on Saturday. It was great - my dad built a fire in the backyard (he's not a pyromaniac - there's a bonfire pit) and we roasted hotdogs and had a little mini-picnic.

At some point in the afternoon, my mom and I noticed a fairly weird looking bird fly over us and land in a tree.

Me: Wonder what the hell kind of bird that was?
Mom: Maybe it's a duck.
Me: [Giving mom a skeptical look] A duck.
Mom: Well sure! Ducks fly high!
Me: Really!? Well how do you suppose he's hanging onto that tree branch?!
Mom: [Laughing at herself] Oh jeez...chalk another one up for Gracie.
(Dad likes to tease mom about being a little too much like Gracie Allen.)

Later that same day, I was showing my dad some cool stuff on the computer. (He's a newbie - just got online about 4 months ago.) I showed him City Search and how to get Directions and stuff like that, and he was so excited I thought he was going to pee his pants. We go down to the kitchen where my mom is, and he's asking me "Well what if I want to look up...like...french fries? You know, to find out where I can get good fries or something like that?" So I explain to him how to search for things and how to narrow it down, etc. and my mom chimes in with "Why would you want to look up french fries??" My dad and I both just stared at her, smirking...and it was like you could see the light come on in her head and she starts laughing at herself again...my dad goes "Good one, Gracie."

It was a much nicer Mother's Day than I thought would be possible this year, and I'm damn thankful.

Two places for comments

It's not an accident. Blogger is offering comments now, so I put them on here in addition to my Haloscan comments. I have it set up so that anyone can comment, even though that means that people can comment anonymously. I may change that if people don't play nice. I put them on here in addition to my Haloscan comments becaues I'm having difficulties w/my Haloscan comments...not sure why but they don't always work.

At any rate...you can still email me - look in my profile for my email addy.

New Layout...Again!

Yes, I'm going to stop now. I finally have a layout I like (thanks for the new list of options for templates, Blogger!) and I'm going to keep it this way.

I like that it's got green in it...like Scooby Snax. :D

I updated my links over there ----->>
If you want yours added, drop me a line. I'll check you out and will most likely add you. If you're linked to me and wish desperately that you weren't, kindly inform me and I'll remove you ASAP.

For convenience, I've decided to go with the old 'alpha order' thing.

Um....what else? I thought there was more but I guess not.

Have a great week, y'all!

Phone Sex

When was the last time you had phone sex? How about the first time?

I don't remember the last time I had phone sex, but I sure do remember the first time. I had no clue what I was doing - I was pretty naive for my age (I was 20 at the time), and had never had phone sex in my life...hell, I didn't really even know what phone sex was! My b/f at the time started it by telling me he was touching himself and thinking about what he wanted to do to me. He instructed me to touch myself, and then told me to hold the phone up to my pussy so he could hear how wet I was. He told me to tell him how I was touching myself and asked what I was thinking about, etc. Pretty soon, it boiled down to just heavy breathing and moaning...and then I came really hard and really loud, dropping the phone in the process. I had no idea if he was really jerking off to all that, but who cared?? What a rush! We did it a few more times and I got a little better at it, but we broke up before I got really good.

I've had some practice since then, and I'm not half bad. I mean, I'm no expert at describing sexual acts or anything, and I frequently knock my creativity...but for what I lack in those areas, I more than make up for in other ways. I'm more than comfortable on the phone, I'm a bit of a closeted exhibitionist, and I love the thought of turning someone else on by the fact that I'm getting myself off. I LOVE the idea of someone on the other end of the line listening to me cum...over and over and over and over. Hell, I even considered trying to do it for money, but it seemed like much more of a time committment than I wanted to give. So instead, I just did it for fun. I miss it.

I think it can do a lot to boost a long distance relationship like the one I have, where we only get to see each other about every six weeks. (Unfortunately, due to the living situation Vin's in, we don't have an opportunity to take advantage of phone sex, which sucks.) I mean, even though technically it's masturbation...I'm not alone. I have someone on the other end of the line...so it's more like a performance. And it's not just that, it's more. I'm sparking the other person's imagination by telling them all the nasty, kinky things I want to do to them, and how. Mmmmm...delicious!

To me, it's the next best thing to sex.

Oh...and I should also mention...I wrote this post because Vin commanded it...and I LOVE...FUCKING LOVE when he commands me to do things like this. Makes me wet. Dripping wet.

Sigh....

I am just not in the mood to do a quote today. For some reason, Mother's Day is taking a harder toll on me than usual. Part of it is about my son; part of it is about my biological mother. I talked about her here. Somehow, her death seems more 'real' to me than it has in the past; I seem to be almost ready to mourn the loss...but maybe not quite. I don't know. It's confusing. How do you mourn the loss of someone you never knew? I guess I need to figure out how to mourn the loss of not having known her. Or something like that.

I'm thankful that my mom (to clarify - my adoptive mom) is still around, even though we aren't close. It has a lot to do with my childhood, I suspect, but it's not as though I had it even close to rough growing up. I'm going to hang out with her today or tomorrow, just the two of us for some 'quality time' together. I finally admitted to her that the traditional Mother's Day gathering at my aunt's house (complete with my uncle's sisters and their kids - one of whom shares the same name as my son and is not far from his age) is just too hard on me. I hate being there, I hate seeing the kids, I hate what the whole day represents, I hate that they (out of goodwill) ask about my son and do I have pictures and blah blah blah. (I put it a little more gently to my mom, though.) And I explained to her that it was more important for me to be with her than with a bunch of people I don't really know or like. The day is really supposed to be about MY mom, not spending time with a bunch of other moms. She completely understood, and is more than happy to oblige. I'm relieved, though it doesn't seem to make the coming weekend look like it's going to be any easier.

One thing that made me laugh a little was when I told my mom all that about not wanting to go to the gathering, she was surprised because I've never said anything before, and it's been eight years since I had Jake. I said "yea, well, that's because I fake it and just get through it as best I can and pretend everything's okay." She said "You know, I thought that might be the case. You are so....'hard'....you act like things are fine and don't bother you, but underneath I always wonder if you're really hurting." Now that, in itself isn't that funny, really...but it was funny to me because I hadn't realized she ever picked up on that. Like I said, we're not close.

Anyway, enough of all that. To all the women out there who get called "mother, ma, mom, mama"... and to all the women who ARE moms but maybe not in a traditional sense....and to all the women who, like me, are having a hard time because they placed a child for adoption....HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. You are loved and needed and cherished.

Ahh...the poetry that is SPAM...

Every once in a great while, I just can't resist - I have to open some spam. Here's what I got just now:

"of tripod, behind bonbon, and necromancer of are what made America great!Indeed, food stamp near pee on satellite inside.Indeed, of toothache graduate from particle accelerator related to.clodhopper from teach marzipan of tenor.If related to submarine avoid contact with traffic light living with, then recliner of judge gets stinking drunk.
chew blinn cherokee pun camouflage emanuel declaration everett"

Ummm....okayyy. I think the use of punctuation is really how this turned from mere Spam, to the brilliant work of art that it is now. God Bless the Internet and all the Spammers who abuse it!

Let Freedom Ring!

Can I be honest with you?

Well I'm going to anyway.

Today, I just feel like giving up. I feel like crawling in the hole and never coming out. I feel like nothing I say is right. I can't ask questions. I can't make statements. Because all of it is fucked up.

I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do.

Being on the verge of tears all day really tests my limits.

Am I supposed to just walk away or what? What?!?!
What the fuck am I supposed to do?!?!

Speaking of communicating...

Do you ever surf around in blogdom and come across an obviously young person's blog...and not just ANY young person, but a young person who writes like this:

"I noe to some ppl out dere... Dun go blame e gal lorz... Itz lyk as if she can stop him frm lyking her?? ... Canot rite?? ... So stop blaming... Newayz... Itz wad u hrd frm othrz mouths... Mebbe it is rili juz roadside jibberish? ... I wanna not think abt it... Yet... I juz keep drifting back to it... This is damn shit manz...

Shan2... Yeahz... We'll visit each othrz funerals n den meet somewhere on Earth b4 going to Heaven kKz? ... I scared I get lost... Coz derez no one to guide mi nemorez... Haix..."

WHAT in the HELL is THAT? I'm not trying to cut this person down or anything like that - in fact, I'm not even going to tell you where this came from because it's not about this particular writer. I've seen this many times and I am just curious - is this a new language or something?? I can't grasp it.

Does anyone know what this is about? (I don't mean this particular passage - I mean this new style of writing.)

I have decided that learning to communicate with and understand [most] men is a form of art.

I never have been particularly 'artsy'.

I find it odd that my relationships (on any level - friends, lovers, or otherwise) with men in the past have seemed so....simple, yet lately they seem so difficult.

I don't think it's them. I think it's me.

I think I've got to learn to get out of my own head more often. I have been driving myself absolutely crazy over the past few years by over-analyzing Every Little Thing and I'll tell you what - besides me driving myself nuts, it's entirely too exhausting.

I could swear I used to be more relaxed than this...but that may have just been the fantasy of myself that I like to pretend is the real me sometimes.

Thanks!

Howdy. I'd like to take a moment to say thanks to Maeve for stopping by and leaving me some lovely comments lately. She mentioned that Lane Bryant has some nice clothing for the larger woman...just wanted you to know we have a Lane Bryant here - sadly, I can rarely afford to buy anything, but that's okay! Also, she mentions here that she thinks I am a "wonderful, selfless person" for placing my son for adoption...and a couple days later, she wished me an early Happy Mother's Day and validated my feelings about my son. Maeve, hugs to you and a very, very big thanks for your kind thoughts and words.

Had a relatively nice weekend. Yesterday was...somewhat of a challenge. Went to a baby shower for the roomie's sister-in-law. Everything was going along fine until she started opening gifts. The thing is, her husband showed up just in time to help her open gifts (he thought we'd be done by that time, and had come to help load the gifts, etc into his truck). As he sat there with her "ooohing and aahhhing" and being all cute and supportive with her - that's when I started to become completely overwhelmed with emotion. So many thoughts were running through my head simultaneously...but the two that stuck out the most as the culprits of nearly causing me to cry were:
- I wish the father of my baby had been even half as supportive when I was pregnant
- That might never be me...I might never be that happily married...I'm more jealous of how happy they are together, than the fact that they're about to start a family...another thing I may never experience

Then, as I was busy stuffing all this emotion into that place where we stuff emotions that are trying to come out at the most inappropriate time, I became extremely angry with myself. Angry that I am such a jackass that all I can think during someone else's happy moment is how jealous I am or how worried I am that it might not ever happen to me. I am such a DICK sometimes!

Then, the moment passed and all was fine. I think that on top of all that, I was feeling that icky thing in my gut/mind/heart that I feel when I realize that Mother's Day is nearly here. Then beyond that, realizing that my son Jake's birthday is soon to follow. Every time I get that icky feeling, I always wonder if this guilt is something that I'm just going to carry around with me for the rest of my life, or if there will ever be a time that I feel good, truly and absolutely good, about the adoption.

Guess we'll see.