SO fucken weird

Do you do Craigslist?

I do. I'm not ashamed - I'll say it out loud:

"I am addicted to Craigslist."

Seriously, I can't stop. But that's not the point of this post. Yesterday I read a post on craigslist that I felt so in touch with and I so identified with, I decided to email the person who posted.

Nothing fancy; it read: WOW....this sounds like it came out of my head. Are you living in my head?? I hope you find your peace. I'm still searching for mine. Amy

This person wrote back: Wait...you're not...ScoobySnax Blog Amy are you If you are...oh. my. God. I love your blog Thanks for the note.

*making face of the most surprised person on earth - mouth agape and everything*

I mean...? Seriously. What??? Honestly, my blog gets an average of about 50 hits a day - and this person (who I'm guessing? lives in Minnesota, given the post I read was on the Minneapolis craigslist) I randomly decided to email (which I like, never do) has heard of ME/MY BLOG?

THAT. IS. SO. INCREDIBLY. COOL.

Okay, yeah, enough fawning (or whatever the word is I'm looking for). On to other stuff.

So, I'm totally obsessed with Yoda. I love the way he writes and I love that he's got something to say. He's eloquent, sincere, and tells a great story. It's easy to see in his blog - he is one of the good ones. We've exchanged a few emails - between those and several posts he's written lately, he has given me more food for thought than I've had in a long time. A buffet, really. Which I have appreciated more than I could ever adequately express. He inspires me a great deal. (Okay, I officially sound like I'm gushing, and I don't give a crap. I'm in deep smit. Deal with it.)

Okay, that's it for now. Chris is home and my phone is ringing (yay! Timmy wants to smoke a bowl!) so I'm outta here. I'm drafting a post detailing the history of how it all went down with Vin - hopefully it will be cathartic (that's the right word, right?) for me and at least somewhat entertaining/informative for you. Hopefully coming soon.

Kisses.

It got better

[I started this post Thursday 6/16, but got interrupted and didn't finish, then forgot about it. Finished/posted Friday instead. Yeah, I'm a dork.]

Yesterday, that is.

I left work early because some lazy fuck decided they didn't feel like doing their job and nominated me to do it instead - which included me having to deal with an irate customer who slammed the phone down to end our conversation. Now, I have no problem dealing with asshole customers. Sream at me, hang up on me - whatever, it's no big deal. What I DO have a problem with is the fact that I don't work in Customer Service - the lazy fuck who transferred me the irate customer call, however, does. I have a MAJOR FUCKING PROBLEM with people that transfer me calls just because they don't want to deal with shit. Look, bitch, either do your fucking job RIGHT, or next time, I'll come upstairs and bring you a fuckload of MY WORK for you to do, so you can see how it feels. (See, that attitude is why I had to leave work. I knew I'd go off on someone and get fired if I didn't.) Yesterday was just NOT the day to push that button.


Chris (the roomie) and I were supposed to go to a Saint's (minor league baseball) game, but ditched out (lazy fuckers that we are) and went to Applebee's for drinks and dinner instead. Some days I love Applebee's being almost directly across the street - it means I can drink and still get home. Turns out, two Long Island Teas and a tall beer were exactly what I needed to turn my mood around. I was honored - Chris had her first beer since her DWI on 6/2, and she had it with ME.

We're enjoying our drinks, and she says, "Have you convinced yourself yet that meeting Vin online wasn't a terrible idea?" I told her: Well, I never really went through that phase were I thought it was a terrible idea. I mean, anyone can lie - Whether you meet them at a bar or in a library or even at church - not just people on the internet. People present to you what they want you to see - unfortunately, that's not always the truth. Will I do things differently if there is a next time? Certainly. As with any situation that goes awry, I owe it to myself to learn from it. I'll be more careful, more leary, and less trusting - but I have to temper that so as to not become guarded, jaded, and bitter. I can't carry the baggage of another relationship gone bad to the next relationship, or it would be doomed to fail before it starts. There's a difference between being more careful/aware and acting like a suspicious lunatic. I'll have to find that middle space - where I'm not being a jealous, suspicious bitch and also not being manipulated into believing everything someone says.

Somehow, I think that's what she wanted to hear. She's been through some fucked up relationships of her own since we dated, and she's now in a position where she's "looking" again. I know she's been doing the online personals thing, and I think she's hesitant - which is good - but hopefully what I said keeps her from being so hesitant she's paralyzed.

It's not a good day

It's really not. I woke up with a charleyhorse in my calf. I should have just stayed in bed.

Now I'm at work. I've already cried three times today. Three times! Fuck.

There are days I'm so confident. Today is not that day.

I talked to Phoebe the other night. She is truly a blessing in my life. She's like me in a lot of ways. She believes there is good in everyone, no matter how deeply it may be buried. She was telling me she believes that at some point, Vin is going to leave his wife and come to be with me. I told her, "Pheebs, that's not going to happen." She insisted, "But he loves you. I could see it in him when you were together. A person can't hide that kind of love." I told her it didn't matter, because even if he did leave, that doesn't change the fact that he needs to live his life based on lies, and I just can't have that in my life - because I am a person who needs to live my life based on honesty and communication. And when I say lies, I don't mean little white lies, or shit you tell your boss to get out of work. I mean big, life changing things like, 'Ooops, forgot to mention the wife and I had a fourth kid while I was pledging to be totally honest with you'. There is no way to look at that kind of lying other than it being a big fat slap in the face. And it's not about forgiveness. It's about not being a punching bag, basically.
Me: Here - have another chance. You don't have to ask for it, I'll just give it to you because that's how much I love you and believe in you.
Him:...WHAM! Here's one for the gut! Because FUCK YOU, lady - I don't care how trusting you are and how much faith in me you have and how many chances you give me - I'm going to purposely walk all over you!

Until he understands and respects why honesty is so important to me - and agrees with it - there can be nothing. If I gave in to his way of thinking, it would mean going back to a life of deceit - and that life is not one I would ever consciously choose again.

I can't understand why that life is so important to him. I can't understand why it's better. Why it's more important than anything. I respect he has his reasons, but it doesn't hurt any less.

What REALLY fucking kills me is that when I'm feeling like I have lately - crying all the time, avoiding everyone, thinking of nothing except "How can I fix this? FUCK! I can't fix any of this!" all I want to do is run to him and talk to him about it. He is a part of me, deep down, and I couldn't tear that out of me if I wanted to. He is logical and smart and knows what to say to get me to see things from different perpsectives. He comforts me. He loves me.

Apparently, just not the way I thought he did. And definitely not as much I hoped he did - which was enough to leave his wife and be with me.

I hate it! I hate this feeling! I hate not understanding what the FUCK happened or why it has to be this way!!!! I hate his selfish short-sightedness!! I hate that everything I believed is SHIT!! I hate myself for being so stupid!!!!! But most of all, I HATE THAT I CAN'T TURN TO HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mental

As in, I'm going "mental". Shut up. It is too a popular slang phrase.

I'm doing my monthly budget. I just wrote a note to myself to pay my two e-bills tomorrow, and how much I owe each. I wrote $214.23 (cable) and $26.78 (xcel). Really? You think I really needed to note which one was the cable amount and which was the xcel bill? Yeah, they're pretty close. Good thing I wrote down which was for what! Whew! Disaster averted.

See? This is what happens when I get torn apart, worn down, hurt beyond belief, angry as a motherfucker, and then am not allowed to resolve any of it. I turn into this.

Right now

I am so angry, I could puke.

I can't even write.

An Open Call To...

Anyone who'd like to come smoke a bowl/joint/blunt/spliff/oney with me sometime - hit me up with an email and if you're close enough, we'll work something out.

Seems I need to make some new friends.

Email addy's in profile.

(Uh, if you can't find it, I'm not sure you should be smoking anything.)

Thanks, Dave who commented yesterday, for the great idea. You're also the reason I discovered that email addresses don't show up in my comments, even though y'all enter an email address when leaving a comment. If I can curb my laziness this weekend, maybe I'll sit down and figure out how to fix it. If not, oh well. Anyone that wants to contact me bad enough will figure out how. (If I take a minute, I can log into HaloScan and get email addy's that way, but damn. I'm too lazy for that.)

Oh and Dave? After all this time, you still read this? Even though the comments you left no longer appear on my blog (due to HaloScan not supporting them after a certain amount of time, not due to my deleting them) I remember what you said, and I know what you really think of me. Which, as I recall, is something along the lines of a fat, homewrecking slut. Not saying I hold any grudges - you said what you thought and what you felt and I respect that. At least YOU were honest. At the same time, I don't think it's a good idea to take you up on your offer to smoke - I'm trying to stay away from people who think I'm shit, not draw them to me.

Blank

Got a couple minutes to post here before the neighbors come up to smoke a bowl with me.

I'm blank lately. Like I've thought every thought there is to think about my present situation, and now I'm just sort of blank.

I read through my archives recently. It felt humiliating. Deeply humiliating.

Here's a quote from one of my favorite (embarassing) posts:

Since finding out that he is still married, we have had some of the most deep, personal conversations we've had in all the time I've known him. I made a lot of demands on him right after I found out, and made it clear that I wasn't going to allow even ONE more indiscretion; even ONE more lie. I made it clear that if he wanted to continue to be a part of my life, he was going to have to work his fucking ass off to earn my trust back, and he was going to have to go out of his way for me. I told him to really think about it, and make sure that he really wanted this, because it wasn't going to be an easy road.

You can read it in it's entirety here.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

More later. Neighbors are here.

Hi, PMS much??

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

There is a damn fine chance that at some point today, I'm going to rip someone's head off and shove it right up their motherfucking ass. I'm completely serious. Left and right, people are being complete fucking jackass IDIOTS today. It's like they're ASKING for me to punch them in the fucking face. How these people manage to make it from point A to point B without falling down/getting punched in the face/being murdered for their sheer stupidity, I will never know.

I've absolutely fucking HAD IT with people today.

Then, I had a work assignment today that involved writing (which I'm totally fucking SHITTY at) and I got so frustrated during my FIFTH attempt at wording it correctly that I nearly burst into tears. JESUS!!

I just can't wait to get the fuck out of work. Driving home is my next challenge. Good luck, fellow drivers on the road! Let me give you some advice: get the fuck out of my way, or suffer the consequenses.

I'll tell you what I think

Oh wait, I already do that. Fuck it; here's some more.

When I asked him why he didn't tell me about the fourth kid, (born in Dec, which means he got wife pregnant in what, late Feb early Mar? Whatever - it was right around the time she found out about me and they moved to St. Louis) he said, "I did not feel that I could tell you about that."

Now, what I should have asked next was why not. I didn't do that. I jumped to thinking that he felt I was unapproachable - that he couldn't tell me stuff. Which I felt very confused by; I don't see myself as the "wigging out" type. I mean, when you lie or withhold info and I find out anyway, you bet your ass I'm going to wig out. But when approached in a calm and straightforward manner, I feel I handle even very bad news in a reasonable manner. Sure, I may be upset or disappointed or whatever - but I feel I handle things pretty appropriately. Several of my friends (who have had to deliver bad news to me at one time or another) have agreed with me on this.

Which got me thinking. And thinking and thinking. Why did he feel he couldn't tell me?

One conclusion: he thought I'd freak out and...what? I don't know. But I do know that sometimes the fear of someone freaking out on you combined with the fear of not knowing what they're going to do while/after freaking out can really overwhelm some people. I've been there - I totally know. If that's the reason, then he needs to learn that I'm SO NOT that person. Yeah, I would have been hurt and angry and shocked and a multitude of things - but I would have fucking handled it. And well, too, I might add.

Another conclusion: he's a selfish asshole and didn't tell me because he thought I would leave him, and he wanted to keep me around any way he could. Think about it. The time frame was like a month or so after I found out he's still married. He must have thought that would be the dealbreaker for sure. Which I sort of get, but not really. Especially because that was the time frame where I was making him PROMISE me there wasn't going to be any more lying, and that he needed to understand how much I love him and how this can't work if he's going to lie and not be forthcoming with shit.

I can see how when he first found out, he'd feel like he couldn't say anything. Bad time frame, etc. I get that. But seriously - over the course of a year and a few months, he didn't feel AT ANY POINT that he could divulge this information??

Either he doesn't understand me/know me at all, or I'm a way bigger bitch than I thought. I don't know. It worries me. If he can't tell me about BIG things in his life, I have no reason to believe he'd bother telling me about little things either. And if he's not going to share what's happening in his life with me, then what's the point??

It occurred to me this morning...

If I had sent that email to Vin's wife LAST year, I do believe I could have greatly reduced or possibly even eliminated the chance of her getting pregnant.

I'm not saying it's my fault.

I'm just saying that once again, if the truth had come out on ALL sides, none of us would be in the situation we're in. And considering I know he's been unable/unwilling to be honest, maybe I should have taken control of the situation a year ago.

Interesting things to think about today.

_____(Interrupted by coworker) ______

I apologize for nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe my life will be one mistake after another but they're MY FUCKING MISTAKES TO MAKE, and I don't owe fucking ANYONE an explanation!!!

Pardon the outburst; a coworker just got through giving me the "You're too good for this guy/you should never speak to him again/you deserve better/people NEVER change/don't be stupid" speech and GOD DAMN IT I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH!!!

(I reference the coworker here, but I've heard it from everyone except my close friends - so when I say they, I mean a collective "they," I don't mean everyone at work knows my business.)

Through clenched teeth, I will "calmly" try to say this once: I know. I know they "mean well" and have "my best interests at heart" and want "only good things" for me. I realize the sentiment behind those words, I do. And I appreciate that people care for me so much they tell me things like this.

But it gets under my skin like you would NOT believe, because I feel like they think I'm too stupid to see it myself.

In their defense, maybe I AM being stupid. Maybe talking to him is stupid. Maybe I should ignore how I feel, and not try to figure any of it out - just assume he's always going to be a dick and cut my losses. Maybe I should ignore all the things I love about him and just focus on the one thing I hate, which is his dishonesty. Because maybe he's not a real human being. Maybe they see what I don't see - that he is a monster who's sole purpose in life is to fuck me over as many times as possible by being dishonest. But maybe, JUST MAYBE, I see something they don't. Possible??? Especially being they have a very, very limited view of my life and relationship, don't you think it's possible that maybe they don't know everything there is to know?

Well, and plus - people never change, right? "People don't change," they say.

Does that saying piss off anyone besides me?

I want to scream at them, "Do you know what kind of person I used to be???" Do you see me lying to everyone I know, sleeping with anyone who will give me the time of day, stealing from my employer (I don't mean pens here people, I mean cash, and lots of it), and not giving a fuck about any of it? Do you think that's who I am right now? NO?? Well guess what - I CHANGED.

Some people can actually do that! They can change bad habits, bad behaviors, and all kinds of other things about their lives that aren't working.

Do I believe ALL people can do this? Of course I do! I believe anyone that wants to change, can, with the right tools. (And a bunch of other stuff like motivation and inspiration and maybe some help, but that's not the point here.)

Do I believe all people will change bad behaviors/habits? Fuck no. Some people just won't, and they have their reasons and I respect that.

Am I willing to attempt to find out which person Vin is? Yes.

Am I going to sacrifice what I think, what I want, what I need and who I am while attempting this discovery? Fuck no.

I also think it's important to point out that I realize people have to change themselves, by themselves, for themselves. One person cannot change another.

Okay lost my train of thought here. That just really got me going, and I had to vent.

Do I realize that whole "vent" sounds like I'm trying to justify talking to Vin? You bet I do. And you know what? I don't fucking care. I'm sick of trying to justify what I do and when and why. I'm sick of explaining. I don't need to make ANY excuses for what I do. Me talking to Vin doesn't affect any of those people - not one fucking iota. Fuck, even if we got back together (which we're not, so cool it) it still wouldn't affect them, so they need to just chill. They're not the people I call on for true advice or help when I need it - they don't know me, my story, my relationship, or my life well enough to help me.

I AM ALLOWED TO BE CONFUSED. I AM ALLOWED TO TALK TO HIM AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT IF TALKING TO HIM IS A MISTAKE - IF IT IS A MISTAKE, IT'S MINE TO MAKE. I AM ALLOWED TO FIGURE THINGS OUT, IN MY OWN TIME AND MY OWN WAY. I DO NOT HAVE TO FEEL BAD OR GUILTY FOR THIS.

Yes, I really believed on Friday (and all weekend for that matter) that I had crossed a line that couldn't be uncrossed, and that all contact would cease forevermore. I was wrong. Fucking sue me. I don't know everything and I don't have all the answers and for awhile, I'm just going to take it one day at a time, if that's okay with everybody.

[Update @ Noon: Maeve, I read your comment AFTER I'd typed all this; I want you to know none of this was aimed at you. My coworker just set me off, and I vented. I read your comment and was worried that you may think this was directed at you - it's not. And to answer your question about WHY I'd want to talk to him: Because I'm still in love, and I have doubt that leaving is the right answer. No, a lot of this doesn't make sense. I need to take this one day at a time for awhile. A friend told me last night he knew Vin and I would be back to talking; it was only a matter of time. He said he thinks it is the beginning of the end. I guess we'll see.]