Friday's Quote(s)

"You don't ever have to do anything sensational to love or to be loved." ~ Fred Rogers (aka Mr. Rogers) (1928-2003)

"Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out" ~ Michael Burke

My Current Worry

Lately, I'm becoming obsessively concerned with whether or not Vin is still in love with me.

I'm wondering if now that it's not "new" and "fresh" anymore, he's sort of losing interest in me; in our relationship. 

He posted this yesterday: "Like a smoker or a crackhead I'm hooked on a feeling. I am hooked on the remembrance of the greatest feeling on earth.  It's not the rush of cocaine or the high of pot, but it's the feeling I get when I am starting with a woman. A feeling of passion, sex, romance, feeling alive-feeling wanted. All these wrapped in a fleeting moment. I like the way it feels. I like the way it makes me feel. I mention this only because I have been trying for the last few days to remember exactly when it was that I realized that I did not love June."

I know there's a lot going on for him right now, and clearly he's doing a bit of soul-searching. He's asking himself some important questions. That's a good thing.

But it is also pretty scary for me, because I don't really know what's going on in his mind. He speaks of being hooked on the feeling of starting with a woman. Our 'start' is long gone. So what does that mean for our future?

It reminds me of the episode of Friends where Monica starts to kind of freak out about the fact that she's going to marry Chandler. She's freaking because it means no more "firsts" with a new guy, and after all, isn't that the best part?? When she relays all this to Chandler, he expresses how completely opposite he feels. How he feels that the best part is knowing that he's never going to have to be out there again, going on nerve-wracking first dates and fumbling through awkward first time sex. He is so much happier in the 'forever' part, that he's downright thankful that he won't have to 'endure' any more firsts.

I'm on Chandler's side on this one. I'm no longer addicted to the new, the fresh, or the firsts. I'm now addicted to the idea of forever. Being with one person. Not having to be 'out there' again. 

And it's not just because dating sucks or because first time sex can be such a drag or because I'm afraid I would never find anyone else. It's because I've built a foundation with Vin. Some may argue that it's a shaky and possibly unstable foundation, and I'm not sure I'd disagree with that - but it's a foundation nonetheless. One I'm interested in strengthening and building on and nurturing for many years to come.

But I'm worried that maybe he doesn't feel the same. That's My Current Worry.

I could not be more wrong. I could try, but I would not be successful.

I was wrong about the whole Jodie thing, and how long it would take Ted to call her.

Turns out that on Saturday morning, as he was leaving, he asked her to spend some time with him later in the day. She declined. Then he asked if she wanted to do something else, also later that same day. Again, she declined. She then tried to explain that she spends the entire day after drinking completely hungover and unable to do more than move from couch to kitchen to bathroom.  So he told her to call him.  She explained that she's "really old-fashioned" that way, and that he would have to call her because she just doesn't call people in the beginning of a relationship - they have to call her.  (All of what she said to him is completely true, btw.)

Well, by Monday, she realized that may have come off as a bit stand-offish, and was afraid she'd offended him. So she called him on her lunch hour (he's done with work by noon) and left him a message explaining herself, and asking him to call her back. When he hadn't called back by 6pm, she began to panic. Literally. Though it took EXTREME restraint on my part, I told her (without rolling my eyes, I might add) that he was probably busy and he'd likely call her very soon and not to get her panties in a bunch. By 7pm, her phone was ringing. It was him.

They made tentative plans to see each other this weekend, and agreed they'd talk later in the week to solidify.

So yea, I was totally wrong. She told me at some point on Monday that they talked about sex during their date. They both went over how they've done the whole one-night-stand thing and they're both pretty sick of it and looking for something more solid and lasting. (I can't even type that without rolling my eyes.) She said they agreed that although they wanted to have sex that night, that they both wanted it to be something more.  

Pppfffffttttt.

I stand by my original opinion of the whole situation.

I loved what y'all had to say about it. I liked hearing your perspectives on the whole thing, and it was a very good reminder to me that all situations are truly different. 

It also made me realize how completely judgemental I was, and am, about Jodie. That makes me feel shitty, because I do so pride myself on not being a judgemental person. I guess where Jodie's concerned, I have trouble. And I realize that the reason I have trouble not judging her is because of how many issues I have with her and haven't aired. The irritation and anger and frustration I have toward her - for so many reasons - just keeps building and building and building. I know that soon I will have to do something about that, or the friendship is literally going to implode.

Something I can't solve today, certainly. But it was good to come to this realization. A solution can't be far behind.

May I have your opinion please

Okay. So Ted comes to pick Jodie up Friday night (10 minutes late - that made me giggle), and he's got a huge bouquet of lovely flowers (lilys, snap dragons, and a bunch of other wild-flower-looking things) for her. They decide to go to a bar-grill near our house, and (after Ted asks me to go along with them, which I politely refuse) they leave.

In my head, all I can think is "Local bar-grill is going to result in little (if any) dinner, and then they're going to hit the other two local bars. They're both going to come back here later, drunk, and she's going to fuck his brains out all night long."

Gosh it's fun to be right! (Without getting into all the details, let's just say that everything I predicted came true.)

When speaking to her the next day, I find out what fun they had and how she really likes him a lot - great personality, good looking, super sense of humor, etc. etc. (To which I'm thinking "How the fuck would you know? You were drunk! You're the absolute worst judge of character when you've been drinking.") So I ask her if she's thinking about seeing him again, and she says, "Of course! *giggle* But he has to call me first."  Then I ask if she really likes him, and if she thinks he might be boyfriend material. She says, "Absolutely. We both said how much fun we had together and how much we'd like to see each other again." You get the idea.

Here's what I'd like your opinion about.

How seriously does a guy take a girl that will get drunk and have sex with him on their first date? Does he respect her? Does he think of her as "serious girlfriend" material? Or does sex/drunkenness not matter? Am I the only one that thinks this dude is either going to wait a week before calling her, or never call her at all?

I've seen her do this a number of times - the only difference is that this one was set up by a mutual friend. Usually, she just picks up random dude from the bar and says all the same stuff about him that she said about Ted. Then he never calls. She pretends that she's fine with it and that's what she expected, but I can see clearly that she's lying through her teeth. She's hurt and she doesn't understand why he never calls again.

So you tell me - am I crazy to think that if you want a guy to take you seriously and have respect for you, your best bet is to NOT fuck him the first day you meet him?

Oh, and if you have a similar experience or something related to share, I'd LOVE to hear it!!

 

Jodie is such a baby!!!!

Oh. My. God.

Frequently, I wonder how the fuck she makes it through the day without me there to coach her every move.

Jodie and I used to work together. We have a mutual acquaintance at work (Ed) that has been trying to hook Jodie up with his brother (Ted) for like, a year now.  Ed *finally* got around to giving Ted her number this week, and Ted finally called and set a date for tonight.

Now, something to keep in mind is that Ed has gone on at some length about how "wild" Ted is. How Ted "shaves his head" and "has a tattoo" and "likes to party", so Jodie should be careful because Ted is kind of a player and whatnot. Which Jodie and I laughed about because we both know how much Ed likes to exaggerate at times. ANYWAY. The gist of it is, Ed is basically trying to give Jodie the impression that Ted is probably going to freak her out a bit and in all reality, is probably not good enough for her anyway. So why set them up? Who knows. Something else to keep in mind is that Ed sees Jodie as some sort of pristine, never-does-anything-wrong type of goody-goody who should probably be nominated for Sainthood or something. *rolling eyes*

So just now, Jodie sends me this email - (Subject line reads "Ugh")  "So, I'm nervous. Help. Please."

I can't even begin to describe all the things that went through my head when I read that, but among them were "Pffftttt! What are you, like 16 or something?" and "Screw you, bitch! After how shitty you've been to me about Vin, even from the very beginning, why the FUCK should I be nice to you and help you not be nervous??"

Here's what I wrote back:
"Nervous? Why would you be nervous? It's Ed's brother, for the love of god. If he's said it once, he's implied it a billion times - dude's not good enough for you anyway! LOL. So nothing to be nervous about, really. Cuz really, when you think about it, you don't care one way or the other if he likes you or not, which gives you total license to be yourself. Nothing nerve-wracking about that, really - it's easy to be yourself. Much harderto try to be someone you're not - now THAT would be nerve-wracking. Hey, is nerve-wracking supposed to be hyphenated or not? Ah who cares. Certainly not me. Either way, I think you are getting worked up over nothing. Think of it as going out with your brother or something. No seriously. Think of it as going out w/someone you've known forever, and act accordingly. That's what I do when I talk to someone for the first time - I act like they already know and like me, that way, I don't worry about what they think or whatever. I just be me and screw 'em if they don't like it. Makes things MUCH easier, on both of us. The more comfortable you are, the more he will see you are not nervous, which means that he won't be nervous either, which means that the whole thing will go much smoother for both of you."

Harsh? Probably. Do I care? Fuck no! 

And that thing I said about "...you don't care one way or the other if he likes you or not..." I wasn't just being an asshole. That is what I perceive to be the truth. Jodie has said a million times that she isn't interested in having a boyfriend. That she could care less about the whole dating scene, and that having a boyfriend would only disrupt her life. She frequently cites her opinion of what liars and generally crappy people she thinks all men are.

Maybe I'm an evil asshole where this is concerned. I don't really give a flying fuck. Jodie has been nothing but a selfish ass about Vin - even before she had reason to. So I see no reason why I should just "overlook" that fact and pretend I care one way or the other whether or not she's "nervous" about a date with a guy that she more likely than not ISN'T EVEN GOING TO LIKE.

Incidentally, this is probably the 4th or 5th date she's had since she's lived with me, and she's acted like this every single time, even though EVERY SINGLE TIME she could have cared less about the dude.

Whatever. What a baby.

Friday's Quote

"Some of us cable guys like to get bit...hard." ~ Weird Cable Guy from last night.

So Weird Cable Guy and his Buddy came over last night to replace my old, analog cable with a new digital cable box. They walk in the apartment and start heading for the living room with me trailing behind. I tell them "No, not the living room - it's in my bedroom" and point in the direction of my room. I'm behind them, so they're basically blocking me from walking in ahead of them, so I say "Go ahead. There's nothing in there that'll bite ya. Not hard, anyway." To which Weird Cable Guy responded with the above quote.

Later, when I asked them why they were working in pairs now, Weird Cable Guy tells me that they don't usually work in pairs, but he has to because "the State kind of took my [driver's] license."

Quality hires ya got goin' on there, Comcast.  Nice.

Oh, and a few minutes later, Weird Cable Guy (out of nowhere) says "Hey, who wants to give me $75??"  In my head I thought, "For what, being the weirdest Cable Guy to ever be in my presence? Or are you going to do some sort of little dance-like-a-monkey act now?"

Whatever. Either way, I have digital cable in my room now! Yay.

An exercise in ridiculous

I was reminded today of a couple ridiculous but funny things from my childhood.

One was that my dad used to call farting "letting a gasser." Oh, the countless giggles I had over that!

Another was that when I was really little, I thought that poop had a full, more technical name - poopies. (I wish I were kidding about that; really I do.)

Oh, and on an unrelated note (well, not entirely unrelated, as it falls somewhere in the "ridiculous" category) - someone called me yesterday from a 720 area code.

Who are you, mystery person? 

I did some research and found that area code is generated from the Denver area, but for the life of me I can't imagine who it would be. A wrong number? Perhaps. But damn, would it be too much to ask for someone to simply leave a voice mail either way?

Guess so.

Well, that's all the news for today, I guess. Let me know if you've got an interesting topic for me to blog about, will ya? Thanks!

 

Some Days...

Bang! Zoom!

RIGHT TO THE FUCKING MOON, ALICE.

This made me laugh

Check it out: Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!

My favorite is the one titled "Incoming Message". That one almost made me pee my pants.

Nice work, dude.

The latest from Quizilla

You are a slave

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
Shamelessly stolen from Maeve.  I love it!

A blog after my own [inner bitch] heart

Found a new blog today that I really dig.  People Who Deserve A Beat Down.
 
Many posts made me laugh right out loud. So far, this one is my favorite.
 
Nice. Very, very nice. This one's definitely going to be a regular read.
 
I'd like to add a couple of my own for today:
 
Blogspot - you deserve a beat down for eating my original version of this post. Fuck nugget.
 
Second, to the person that I (casually) know who sent me the following email today:
 
To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages, But this isfrom my good friend Pearlas Sandborn and she really is an attorney. If she says that this will work - It will work. After all, What have yougot to lose? SORRY EVERYBODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! I'm anattorney, And I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured AOLand Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing amultimillion-dollar class action suit similar to the one filed byPepsiCo against General Electric not too long ago. Dear Friends; Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates is sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent later.
 
I don't even need to cut/paste more of that email - you all know what I'm talking about. Here's what I'd like to say to him:
 
You, sir, deserve a beat down of legendary proportions. I know for a fact that this is not your first day using the Internet, nor is it the first email you've ever received, which means that as an adult human with an IQ over 50, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. Get a grip, already. You're making me question your sanity and intelligence, and seriously making me think twice about ever having given you my email address in the first place. This is your only warning. The idiotic forwarding of emails shall cease immediately, lest I be forced to drive to your house and beat you down like the man-bitch you are.

Could someone please explain to me...

Why the FUCK bra manufacturers feel it necessary to sew a BOW dead smack in the center of a bra??? I mean, I can maybe see a cute little bow on a training bra or something - you know, something geared toward little girls just starting to "sprout". But dude! I'm 31 years old and my bras are size 46DDD for fuck's sake! There is just no reason on earth why there should be a bow on my regular, wear it everyday bra. Someone please get the bra manufacturers a copy of An Idiots Guide to Practical Undergarments, wouldja? Fucking morons.

Friday's Quote

"It's not the life I thought it would be. But I'll be alright, I know I will be." ~ Beth Hart

Jake's Birthday

It was Jake's birthday this past Monday (the 12th); he turned 9 this year. Somehow, that day seemed to go a bit smoother this year than it has in the past, and I'm grateful.
 
It seems odd to me that I haven't written much about Jake. I haven't really told that story, and I don't know why. I'm not ashamed or anything, and I am coming to terms with the guilt aspects of placing him for adoption. When people ask me about Jake and the circumstances surrounding that time in my life, I tell them everything. I'm open about it and God knows how much I like to talk - especially when it comes to talking about ME. Jeez I'm vain. Aw hell, most of us are - if we weren't on the vain side, we probably wouldn't be blogging. But I digress. Jake's story.
 
I think the only reason I haven't really written about it is because it's kind of a long story. And at first, I didn't think it would be interesting enough to include on my blog. Then I realized that most of what I write about isn't particularly interesting anyway, so I should just tell the story. Plus which, I realized that getting it down in print will likely have some theraputic value to it, so I should just do it. Then it became somewhat of a time issue, being that I do this from work and don't really have time to indulge in long-winded story telling. My resolution to this is that I'm going to take some time this weekend to get some of it down in writing; an outline, if you will. Then sometime next week, I'm going to come in a bit early and get it down here on this blog.
 
I've decided it's something I really want and need to do. For me.

Ahhhh...porn

Dude. All I can say is AAAHHHHHHH.  I haven't watched any of the DVD's yet, but I did manage to get through nearly half of the 3 FOOT STACK of magazines. Yummmmm. I am thrilled to have all weekend to do nothing but lay around and browse through porn and play with myself. Hell, I'm gonna break out ALL the toys this weekend. Very relaxing.
 
Thanks again, Vin.
 
Also, thanks for the money you loaned gave me. It got me through this week and took a huge load off my mind and my wallet, and I truly appreciate it.

He's Home. For Good? Hope so.

Vin's home. We drove to STL last weekend and I helped him load all his crap on the rental truck and then we drove home.

I was irritated with myself for having committed to quitting smoking just days before - a 12 hour roadtrip (one way) plus lifting and packing in the St. Louis heat (90 degrees + 97% humidity) and then driving home again was a nearly impossible challenge to my non-smoking, but I DID IT. Vin was incredibly supportive, and he is a HUGE part of the reason that I stuck with it, so thank you Vin!

I am still smoke-free, and getting prouder of myself by the day. My dad's proud of me too - which is a big deal to me, because I don't know that he's been proud of me since...oh, I don't know...High School, maybe? So yea, that makes me feel pretty good.

As a 'thank you' for all my help moving him, he is lending me a bunch of his porn for an unspecified amount of time. YAY ME!!!!! There are a ton of terrific mags and several DVD's, so I'm fucking thrilled. I've never had a lot of porn (the extent of my collection is about a 1/2 dozen mags and a few so-so VHS tapes) so to have this kind of volume and variety is a fantastic change, and just what my libido needed. I feel like I've got my MOJO back!

Now...if we can just find time to get in some good sessions, I'll be right as rain!

Well said

I was going through Gut Rumbles archives (what few I could find) today, and came across the following gem:

"I will offer one thought on my behalf. I didn't lose any real friends during that ugly time. The ones I've known for most of my life worried about me, attempted to offer advice (which I rejected) and then just got out of the way. I've always said that a real friend doesn't expect you to be perfect. A real friend accepts you, warts and all, and probably knows those warts better than you do yourself. If you go flying off the handle, they'll still be there when you come back." (Emphasis mine.)

My thoughts exactly. I've said it before, I'll say it again - I've done some stupid shit in my life, but the people I truly love that truly love me back (both in a friendship sort of way and in a 'LOVE love' sort of way) stick with me through thick and thin, no matter what. A true friend loves the person you were, and the one you've become.

You can read Acidman's entire post here.

There have been times I've read Acidman and completely disagreed with him. But more often than not, when it comes down to the truths in life and spouting good advice and wisdom about common sense things, he hits the nail on the head every time.

Tidbits

- I quit smoking (cigarettes) this week; Monday the 5th was my last one. Used to smoke just under a pack a day, and had been doing that for about 15 years.

- Vin is moving home, to Minnesota. He closes on his house next week.

_ I've been feeling a lot better lately, and it's not just because he's moving home. I've been trying to do more for me lately, and it seems to be working.

- I haven't felt sad or depressed or just plain 'out of it' in over two weeks. I am crossing my fingers that I'm out of my slump.

- Something I've been wondering for awhile now - do married men ever leave their wives for their girlfriends? Have you ever met anyone or knew of anyone that it worked out for? On either side of the coin? I'd really like to hear if you have. I've already heard plenty from the people who are sure it WON'T work out, so I don't think I need more of that, but if you have heard of or know of anyone this situation has worked out for, leave a comment.

- I feel good. I'm starting to build up my self esteem and my self confidence. I'm starting to believe in me again.