A heartfelt THANKS

Thank you to all of you who've left comments over the last week. Your comments are wonderful, and I love them all. I appreciate your support, I really truly do. I had previously been in the habit of responding to comments in my comments, but I haven't been doing that lately. No reason, really. But I did want all of you to know that I do read them and do appreciate them and do look forward to your feedback.

Thank you so very much. Whether you've made me smile, made me giggle, made me blush, made me happy, or just made me feel supported, I appreciate every single last one.

PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE

Today's PSA, from me. :) Yea, it's redundant, and yea, people say it all the time and yea, it can put such a damper on your night not to be able to take your own self home after partying. But seriously people - it just ain't worth it.

Call a cab, call a friend, call your folks, call an enemy, call the police, crash on the floor or in an alley or on the curb - whatever it takes. (I don't recommend crashing in your car though - regardless of whether or not you are in possession of the keys to operate it. Some states consider this against the law and will haul your ass to jail anyway.)

Please don't make tonight the last of your (or anyone else's) life. You're too important.

He's gone...

Well, Vin took off for his vacation this morning. Not only did he call me at 7am to be sure we'd have a few minutes to chat before he left, but he also called me from the plane to tell me he'll miss me and that he loves me very much. It was incredibly sweet.

I'll miss him too. Very, very much. But I know he needs this and it will be really good for him to get away. I am so very proud of him for recognizing his needs and taking care of them, and for taking the time to communicate that to me. Y'all know how I feel about communication, I'm sure I don't have to reiterate. I am extremely touched that he is making such a huge effort to get out of his comfort zone in the communication department. It's a huge deal for him, and his actions speak volumes.

I love him more than I can accurately express right this moment.

Fun with names

I love this site, called Kabalarian Philosophy. What attracted me to it in the first place is that they have a free name analysis. (There's a link for Free Name Analysis on the left side of the screen on their site - click on it, then scroll down a bit and there's a place to enter your name.) I've looked up many, many names, and in about 98% of the cases, the analysis was dead on. (I showed one of my good friends what they had to say about his name, and he asked me if I wrote it myself and was just playing a joke on him.)

Here's what they had to say about Amy:
Your first name of Amy has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement. You respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating.

There's more information available if you subscribe, which I do not. But the brief analysis is good, and in my case, extremely accurate.

Check it out sometime!

Happy New Year!

Sting

I heard a new (? I could swear the DJ said it was new but I was pretty stoned at the time, so who knows) song by Sting on the radio the other night, and haven't been able to get the sound of his voice out of my head. As a result of not being able to get his voice outta my head, he's currently singing to me:

Free, free, set them free...

You can't control an independent heart
Can't love what you can't keep
Can't tear the one you love apart
Can't love what you can't keep
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches, so many souls
Everything we see that we want to possess

If you need somebody, call my name
If you want someone
You can do, you can do, you can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
Want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

Set them free, free, free, set them free
Set them free, free, free, set them free
Set them free...

(Which, of course, is NOT the "new" song I heard the other night...but it explains why I'm thinkin of Sting songs and why he's singing to me in my head right now...)

Fortune Cookie

I love fortune cookies. LOVE them. Even when the message (yea, I'm so not calling those things fortunes) is stupid, they still taste good. Had Chinese for lunch. Here's the message I got inside my fortune cookie:

"You have an unusual understanding of the problems of others."

Heh. I love shit like this.

Ok, so I lied

Well, I didn't intend for it to be a lie, so does that count? I told you that as a woman of my word, I'd be posting another 100 Things about me this week. Can't do it, captain. Just not up for it. I don't know what to say and right now, 100 more 'things' about me just sounds...well...fucken boring.

Vin is going out of town tomorrow for a week, alone. He said he needs some space. Needs to clear his head and get away from all the shit he's been trying to deal with here. Be away from the responsibilities of day to day life, as it were.

Thank God. He needs this time away. He is someone that rarely has 'alone' time, and he needs it - badly.

I honestly thought I'd be more uncomfortable with him leaving than I am. In a way it is scary, because I can't be there with him which means I can't "help", and you know how much I need to be needed. But I realized that sometimes, the best help you can be to someone is no help at all. Sometimes, you have to just step back and let people sort things out for themselves and do things their own way. So that's what I'm going to do.

Amok

Is that right? Is that how you spell it? Do I care? That's where my thoughts are.

I'm having much physical pain today. It's kind of nice, because it's distracting me from the frustration and confusion and utter helplessness that I'm feeling.

The other day I was convinced that Vin was waiting until after the holidays to break up with me, and I said so, half-joking. He assured me that is not going to happen. Then he mentioned how he went 'ring shopping' the day after xmas.

????

That's all I can say right now.

Vin'll love this one...

What Famous Leader Are You?

Interesting

Thanks, Stevie, for the idea.

What Classic Movie Are You?

Greetings

Didja miss me? Well I missed all of you. Work is crappy but tolerable today - not too much to catch up on. Finished a couple of books while on vacation. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis and Love's Executioner (& Other Tales of Psychotherapy) by Irvin D. Yalom. Both extremely interesting, terrific reads.

Things at home are the same, the roomie is sick - again. This time with a cold. Oy.

Things with Vin are...well...hm. What's the word I'm looking for? Challenging? Perhaps. He wants to be alone. I want to be by his side. He wants to think things through and make decisions about his future by himself. I want to help. He can't use or doesn't want my help. Clearly, neither of us is going to get exactly what we want, but I can see an inconspicuous compromise in our future.

At any rate. I can see by my site meter that I owe you another 100 Things about me. Yippie. Anything in particular you want to know? I'll be working on writing it today and tomorrow...so if ya got a question on your mind for me, ask away!

Vacation...sort of

Technically, I'm not "going" anywhere. I'm not going to be at work for the next week, so I guess that still counts as vacation. Point is, I likely won't be blogging again until Monday the 29th. Which is regrettable, because I finally feel like writing. I feel like I could go on for days. Maybe the writing bug will come back to me when I return to work. Or maybe I'll get off my lazy ass and get over to the library to blog from there. Eh, who cares.

I'm frustrated and a bit depressed today. (As if you couldn't tell.) Although I feel like writing, I'm going to cut this short. I'm leaving work shortly and need to get some shit in order.

I see that when I return to work I'm going to owe y'all another '100 Things' about me list...I promised at 2,000 hits I'd do another, and I'm nothing if not a woman of my word. I'll have to think on that list over my "vacation."

Plus, awhile back MBL indicated some interest in hearing the story of the first time I got my heart broken. I shall be writing that very soon as well.

Happy Tolerable Holidays to you all, whatever you may be celebrating this time of year. I'll miss you while I'm away.

Friday's Quote 2

Tyler Durden: Without pain, without sacrifice, you would have nothing.

From the movie "Fight Club".

'Nuff said.

Friday's Quote

Karen: Do you really have to go?
Gil: My whole life is "have to."

From the movie "Parenthood".

I'm realizing lately that I think that's how Vin sees his life. I don't want to be one more thing he "has" to do.

Mmmmm...delicious thoughts...

I just caught this post over at Sparta. Reminded me of something I'd read awhile back over at Dirty Whore Diary. I don't want to link to the specific story she was telling - it was a personal thing she was sharing. I'm ashamed to even say this, but although the story she shared was not meant to be arousing in the least, the part where she talked about being pissed on nearly made me cum.

At any rate. My thoughts on pissing as it relates to a sexual act. Before Vin introduced me to the world of Blogs, particularly sex blogs, I'd never really given any thought to the whole 'pissing' concept. It wasn't until I read the aforementioned post by Dirty Whore that I really gave it some thought. Now, the idea of being pissed on turns me on a great deal. Mainly, I think, because the act itself would require such submission from me. No, that's not exactly it. Maybe it's more the humiliation aspect of it. I don't know for sure. Either way, the thought of being pissed on...pissed in...well, it's just incredibly fucking hot. I've never done anything like that before, so maybe that's part of the turn on as well. And not just the act of pissing...the idea of an entire scene involving me being taken forcefully (ahem, "against" my will, to be more specific) and being made (forced) to be extremely submissive and "suffer" something humilitating (like being pissed on, then later being cum on) as part of the scene just about puts me over the edge.

I'll definitely have to discuss this with Vin. The things he's introduced me to so far have resulted in some of the best orgasms I've ever had in my life. It's no wonder I want more.

What to write, what to write

My head is full of thoughts and images, but I'm having trouble translating them into words to express what I'm feeling and thinking. It's been a weird week. I'm all over the place emotionally - one minute I'm crabby, then happy, then frustrated, then worried, then happy again, then sad, then back to worried, then on to other less easily definable emotions. It's all rather unclear. I hate it. I think I haven't been talking to Vin about things as much as I normally do because I don't want to add any more strain to his already heavy load. As much as I want ours to be the kind of relationship where we talk all the time about anything and everything, I don't know that this is possible. I feel like it would just be asking too much of him, and with all that he has going on in his life, I don't want to be one more thing on top of that pile. I'm always talking about how 'independent' I consider myself to be - maybe I need to be less talk and more action.

I'm reminded of my last year of high school. It was definitely the worst year of my life (at the time, anyway). I started writing letters to myself, as I felt like I was the only person I knew that could possibly understand me and what I was going through. I remember realizing for the first time that all of us are really ALONE. I realized that I was the only person that I would ever truly "have" for the rest of my life, and that I would need to learn to count on, rely on, and trust only ME forever more. Heh, I even remember writing myself a list of rules...I can't remember all of them, but I recall the number one rule was "Never expect anything of anyone"...another was like "You will only need you for the rest of your life"....another was "You only have YOU, so use your resources wisely." Shit like that. I strayed from all that in the years that followed. Lately, though, I am thinking more and more that I should be less interested in communicating every single thought and feeling to Vin, and more interested in figuring out how to take care of those thoughts and feelings myself. Not because he has expressed anything that would make me think that he would be happier with that, but because I think it would make things simpler for him. Simpler for our relationship.

I can't help but wonder if that's how I really want things, or if I want to do it "for" him. I'll have to think about this awhile.

No tolerance today

WOW. Either I have PMS, or I'm turning evil inside. Or maybe it's just a bad day. Not sure. My roomie, Jodie, has the flu. She's had it since Sunday night. All I can think of is what a fucking BABY she's being about it. She called me at work yesterday afternoon to ask me to stop and get her a can of soup and some soda on my way home. Doesn't seem like much to ask, really. But in my head, all I could think was "What the fuck? We live ONE BLOCK from Walgreens. Get off your dead lazy ass and go get it yourself." What really struck me is when I got home, she was telling me how sad she was that her mom also had the flu, because otherwise her mom would have COME OVER AND TAKEN CARE OF HER. (Seriously. Jodie is 29 years old.)

Maybe it's just my independent side (which is most of me...the dependent side rarely gets a chance to rear it's ugly head because I despise that side and beat it down whenever I get the chance.) Maybe it's just that the very idea of RELYING on someone to take care of me - EVER - gives me the fucken willies. Don't get me wrong - I like having people in my life that are there for me when I need them. But I also want to vomit at the thought of NEEDING them ALL the time - basically, of not being able to take care of myself.

Am I evil? Have I lost all sense of humanity? There's nothing wrong with asking for help, asking for a hand now and then. It doesn't make one weak or pathetic. I don't know what has gotten me so disgusted with the whole thing. I don't know why I can't seem to get the thought of her having her mommy come and take care of her (and how ridiculous that whole thing seems to me) out of my head. Why do I think less of her for admitting that she wants to be taken care of when she's sick? Maybe it's just because I'm the opposite. Yes, I'd like it if someone WANTED to or VOLUNTEERED to come and take care of me when I'm sick. But I sure as HELL would never expect it, nor would I ever ask for it. Shit, a few weeks ago, I was up in the middle of the night with stomach cramps so severe I actually considered going to the emergency room. Even then, all I could think about was whether or not I could drive myself there without getting in an accident, or if I would suddenly double over in pain while driving and cause an accident. It didn't even occur to me to call someone (roomie was gone at the time) for help. Well, that's not ENTIRELY true - I did briefly think of it, but put it immediately out of my mind because I didn't want to be a burden over something so (in my mind) minor, especially at 3 in the morning. (Incidentally, when I told Vin about this later, he yelled at me for not calling him and made me promise that if something like this should ever happen in the future that I get a hold of him IMMEDIATELY.)

I don't know...sometimes, I wonder about myself. I am one of the least judgemental, and most open-minded people I know. I rarely look down on others. So why is it that something so stupid could make me think less of her? I'm guessing it's a combination of things. Her lack of support of my relationship and my decisions. Her lack of help around the house. The way she thinks that she is better than most people (and most of the time, I suspect that includes me.) Maybe it's my selfish need to plug my self esteem - because I see in her so many things that I am not and don't ever want to be.

Alas, enough rambling for now. I feel better having gotten that all off my chest. Maybe I won't spit in her dinner when I pick it up from Arby's (she just called to make that request) on my way home. Wish me luck.

Busy + Slightly Lazy + Uninspired = You get neglected

Can I just bitch one more time about the fact that I HATE not having a computer and internet access at home?!?!?! Work has been a bitch - I'm buried in paperwork and projects and as a result, no time to blog. But hell, even if I'd found the time this week - which I suppose I could have if I really tried, I haven't really had anything to say.

St. Louis is on my mind. Vin is on my mind. Sex is on my mind. Friends are on my mind. Having very little money and many to buy Christmas Gifts (and/or Holiday Gifts) for is on my mind. I feel like I'm not doing enough. Not enough to help Vin with all the stress of having to move in a couple weeks. Not enough for people less fortunate than me. Not enough for my friends that really need me. Not enough for myself. Not enough for my readers that stop by here each day hoping for a laugh or a story or just...SOMETHING.

I worry too much and do too little. I'm a great organizer, and at times a really damn good planner. But follow-through...? Well, it's not exactly my strong suit. I guess there's no sense dwelling on what I'm not doing. Best to just muddle through and figure out how to do what I can, then focus on doing it as well as possible.

Sorry to be so boring. And don't say I'm not, because I know better. I'm boring MYSELF just by writing this. But I just don't have the time or the energy to really let everything hang out there today. Hell, I can't even think of a decent Friday's Quote.

Blame it on the weather. Getting up and leaving the house at 7:30 am in -2 degree weather will put a damper on just about anyone, I suspect. Brings me down. Makes me tired and hungry and cranky. Makes me wish Vin didn't need his own personal alone time, and would just come and be with me tonight....not to talk, not to think....just to hold me and cuddle with me and keep me warm. His presence makes everything better.

Hopefully, next week I'll be back to my old self. Maybe the temp will come up a few degrees and thaw my brain, so I can do some decent, productive thinking....and hence, some decent posting. Wish me luck.

Maybe time to blog...later...

I'll tide you over with this tidbit...(I'm pretending you really care about the results of this one....) LOL. Thanks for the idea, Spartan...glad to see you're back.


You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Not sure how I feel about the results. Seems right, but maybe not quite. Hm.

No time to blog, Part 2

I also felt inspired by OrdinaryJoe over at Memoirs of a Married Mad Man...so check this out:


Which John Cusack Are You?

LOL...I love it. It's SO me.

No time to blog

So I thought I'd give you this tidbit, inspired by Stevie over at Caught in the Xfire.


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Pretty freakin' accurate, if I do say so myself!

More fisting fun

Thanksgiving was nice...didn't get to spend it w/Vin but that was alright - he spent time with his kids and that made me happy. I was with my family and it was....well....time with family. Blah.

Best part of the weekend was that Vin came over Saturday night. He spent a really really long time eating me out and making me cum, and I enjoyed every minute. As I laid there feeling sedated and basking in the afterglow of my delicious orgasms, he got up and said "don't move." He went over to the toy drawer and retrieved the lube. My body perked up a bit with interest. He positioned himself between my legs and I felt him further lubing my still wet pussy. I did a little dance in my head, because I knew what was coming next and it filled me with anticipation and excitement. Slowly and carefully, he put his fingers inside me...then I felt him slowly working in his thumb. He added more lube, and pushed further inside me, twisting his hand just a bit so that it would slide inside more easily. For a split second I thought that I might not be able to take it all....so I concentrated on relaxing my pussy and continued taking deep breaths. Little by little, he worked his way in. It felt fucking amazing. He pushed a little more, and suddenly his entire hand was all the way inside me. I was crazy excited. I wanted to cum like that with him inside me. I reached down and started rubbing my clit. No time to tease myself or linger or go slow...I wanted to cum hard, and I wanted it RIGHT THAT SECOND. (Pretty sure I said that out loud but who knows? I was beside myself with pleasure. I have no idea what comes out of my mouth when I'm in ecstasy!) I was rubbing myself in a frenzy. So hard and fast, in fact, that my hand started to cramp....which pissed me off because I thought I was about to be robbed of an amazing orgasm. I slowed a bit to let my hand relax, and it paid off. I could feel my orgasm building from deep inside me. I reached down with my other hand so that I could feel Vin's arm to try to gauge how far inside me he was. I could feel he was in past his wrist, and the thought of it gave me a mental orgasm. I could see it in my minds eye. I was going nuts. My pussy clamped down so hard on his hand that I briefly wondered if anyone had ever broken a hand that way. No matter, I was about to cum. I pursued my clit at a feverish pace, my pussy tightly grasping Vin's hand....and exploded in a body-jerking orgasm. It. Was. HUGE. Delicious. Fucking delicious.

I only wish we had it on video or film. I'm dying to see it from Vin's perspective.