The Crying Solution

Laughter? Laughter you say?

And sex? Fuck buddy you say?

Well hell, if you insist! How 'bout two for the price of one??

A little over a week ago (Monday the 12th, I believe), I got an instant message on Yahoo Messenger from Random Guy (not his real yahoo ID, and my apologies to anyone actually calling themselves Random Guy)...something about him seeing my pic on my Yahoo profile and thinking I'm cute and would I like to chat sometime? Heh heh...sure!

As it turns out, he's pretty fucken cool. We've talked on the phone nearly every day this week, and so far, he seems like he's on the level.

Until or unless I come up with a better name for him, I'm going to call him TC...which is short for The Comic, which is what he is. No literally! He does stand-up and a few places in town here, and he's really fucken funny. He has managed to make me laugh at least one time every single time I've talked to him.

AND...he's a rather sexual guy. We've had MANY conversations about sex, and I'm willing to bet he's going to rock my fucken world. (Um, the good way...not like Vin did.)

I explained my situation with Vin, and he's been very understanding and sympathetic. And very "no pressure". He has said that as much as he'd like to date me, he understands where I'm coming from right now, and would be more than happy getting to know me as friends first. He pointed out to me that any decent relationship is based on a solid friendship anyway. I nearly jumped through my email to hug him at that point, because it's EXACTLY what I have always said.

Now, I'm not getting all crazy and trying to jump into one thing right after ending another. I intend to explain to TC that my intentions are to have some laughs and hang out and be friends...and hopefully have a bunch of non-committal but extremely fun and slightly raunchy sex. I'm not up for anything more than that right now, and I have a feeling he's going to understand and respect that. I want to take baby steps...one day at a time, and see how things go.

We are planning to hang out sometime this weekend. I have a feeling our meeting is going to include some much needed laughter, and if I'm lucky, some much needed sexual release, affection, and intimacy.

Ahhh...just what my comment doctor's ordered.

Feeling Better

Not good, just a little better. No longer feeling like a pile of 3 day old dog shit, at least.

How do people do it? How do they go from being in love one day, and hating someone's guts the next?? I have been in love exactly twice in my life, and Vin was one of them. And as much as I want to say 'good riddance' and 'fuck him' and 'I hate his guts', I can't. I can't be a light switch and just turn it off, regardless of the fact that I'm hurting so badly that I'm absolutely sick right now. I figure it's going to end up being more like a dimmer switch...that it will fade over time and eventually go out...but I think I'm expecting too much of myself to think that I should just be able to not feel anything for him anymore.

I may have a bit of a solution to the crying thing...see next post.

Friday's Quote

"In tragedy and despair, when an endless night seems to have fallen, hope can be found in the realization that the companion of night is not another night, that the companion of night is day, that darkness always gives way to light, and that death only rules half of creation, life the other half." ~ Dean Koontz, from the book 'Lightening'

(Cut me some slack if you own this book and come to find that this quote is not EXACTLY as it appears there. I did this from memory.)

need your advice

oh, first off, pardon the fact that i can't seem to take 5 seconds to use capitals lately. i'll be back on track soon, i promise. now then.

anyone have any advice on the following??:
- how to stop crying
- how to stop feeling completely worthless
- how to convince myself that i'm not fat and ugly
- how to maybe start believing in myself
- how to stop being in love, and just shut my feelings off like a light-switch?
- how to avoid total depression
- how to trust anyone ever again
- how to stop feeling hurt that he probably isn't sad or hurt about any of this, and definitely hasn't been crying his eyes out or losing sleep over this?
- again, how to stop crying?????

seriously i'm losing my fucking mind here. this is the worst pain i've felt since i placed my son for adoption. only thing that made that tolerable is i was prepared for it, somewhat. this caught me totally off guard...like getting hit by a mack truck while watching tv in the nude in bed late at night...in your second floor apartment.

what really sucks about all this...

What, you ask? I'll tell you.

I'm single again. That's the part that sucks the most. I was single for about 3 years before Vin, and now I'm single again.

Oh wait, I just decided on something that sucks even more than that. He made me believe that I was worthy of that kind of love. He made me believe I was beautiful and funny and have a good body and a great personality. He made me believe that I am someone that men WANT. He gave me hope that I wouldn't be alone for the rest of my life. He made me believe that someday I could have a lasting relationship and be married and maybe even have something resembling a family. That's what sucks the most...because before him I KNEW BETTER.

I'm in exactly the same place I was 8 months ago, only worse for the wear. I wish he hadn't pretended all those things and made me believe them.

Damn I'm slow. Like driving the short-bus all by myself slow.

something to be thankful for...

thankful for the fact that i don't live in toronto right now. just got off the phone with a guy who tells me the current temp there is -25. farenheit. that's 25 degrees BELOW zero, folks.

dayum! that's just absurd.

i just can't catch a break...

i think i'm getting a cold sore on my lip. what.the.fuck. i never get cold sores, dammit! i swear, it's like i broke a thousand mirrors or something...

thanks, alanis

alanis morissette told me (uh, via my cd player in my car) this morning...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

now if she could just tell me what the hell it is i've learned, that'd be great.

oh, and some instructions for how the fuck to stop crying would be helpful as well.

can't stop crying

so, yea, i'm at work, and i can't fucken stop crying. how extremely professional of me. can't be helped - i have shitload of work that has to be done and i'm the only one that can do it.

a number of people have asked me how i'm going to tell his wife. heh heh...OrdinaryJoe even suggested sending her a pic of us (which i just happen to have but am going to give to him - he can do what he likes with them, which i assume will be burning them).

well, this may sound crazy to all y'all, but i'm not going to. either she's a fucken idiot to not question his behavior and whereabouts or she just doesn't care what he does - either way, it ain't my place to be tellin' nobody nothin'. it's their bag of shit and they can deal with it.

there are a vast number of reasons i'm not going to stir that bag of shit - it ain't my place, it's not in my nature to be vindictive, and what comes around goes around are just a few. i don't want to perpetuate the kind of bad karma that surrounds him, and to me, telling his wife would be doing just that.

not to mention the world of hurt he could cause my life if he wanted to. he has naked pics of me - some of which may or may not include my face, i really have no idea - heat of the moment and all that. also, he knows the full extent of my past and current drug use - a handy tidbit my employer would be only too happy to investigate if given a reason.

am i hurt? yes. am i disappointed? yes. am i angry? you bet. what really fucken sucks is that although i have a lot of work to do, a lot of it is just manipulating numbers and doesn't require much brain power...which means my mind is picking away at this whole vin mess.

when i think about some of the lengths he went to to lie to me, i get sick to my stomach. remember a few months ago when i was all upset that he'd given his "ex" the address to my blog so she could read it? get this - he told me that she, too, had a blog and if it would make me feel better, he'd give me the address so i could go read it. so of course i did. only to realize a few months later (but LONG before yesterday) that HE HAD WRITTEN IT HIMSELF, and posed as her. that's the kind of fucked up stuff i'm talking about. WHO DOES THAT KIND OF SHIT???????????

oh i have to stop now. my crying is getting obnoxious and i need to try to compose myself and get back to my spreadsheets.

obviously, i'll probably be whining about this latest "tragedy" in my life for a few days - sorry. if you're looking for more of the fun stuff i used to write about, like sex...well, check back in a week or two. maybe i'll be more interesting then.

more why?

the day after xmas, vin sent me a text message in the evening.

this is what it read:
What are your plans. I'm at Wedding Day [diamond jeweler] at the moment.

how did he even think of this stuff? why would he make me believe that he was out ring shopping and going to marry me? why would he perpetuate the lie of wanting to marry me for so long? he started talking about it in july, for fuck's sake.

oh wow, i am so fucking stupid.

he did it so i wouldn't doubt his story. so i'd keep believing. he knew how badly i wanted to get married, and he knew just exactly how in love with him i was. so the best way to make me not doubt him was for him to keep on telling me how in love he was and how he wanted to marry me.

2 weeks ago when we were out to dinner, i asked him why he would be ring shopping for me since he obviously didn't have any intention of marrying me. (i said that because that was when he finally admitted he didn't want to live with me.) you know what he said in response to that? "what makes you think i'm not going to marry you?"

why would anyone be this mean to me? our whole relationship - 8 months - was a complete lie. he never loved me, never cared. never thought i was beautiful or worth being treated like a princess or loved my body. it was all a lie.

What did I do to deserve this?

Why? Why would he do this to me? Why lie?

The really fucked up thing is that if he had just told me the truth from the beginning, I probably would have been okay with it. I know that might sound fucked up, but it's true.

I just don't get it. Why would he go to the lengths he's gone to? Why would he make me believe he was in love with me? Why?

Am I such trash that he took one look at me and decided that I wasn't worth two shits and it would be a great opportunity for him to just do and say whatever he wanted and not even care? Am I that ugly or fat or stupid or annoying or ?? What is it that made him feel okay about doing this to me?

Why? And why won't he just give me 5 minutes of his time to just tell me why he would do this? Am I so worthless that he can't even do that? I'm not worth an explanation of any kind?

I should have known better. I should have seen it from the beginning. No one could possibly think I'm beautiful or worthy of the kind of "love" he claimed to have for me, and I know it.

I just wanted so badly to believe it was possible that I wasn't going to be alone forever. That I was worth something. That me being fat and unattractive didn't matter, because someone would see through that.

What a fucken fool I am.

Stupid

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

News Flash: I'm an idiot & Vin's a LIAR

Ok, so the train wreck of my day....

VIN is still married and living with his wife and two kids. (Oh yes, it's a fact.)

So the question is...why? Why did he do this to me? Why did he make me believe he was in love with me? Why has he lied from day one? Why was he out searching the personals and why oh why did he fucken pick ME?? Knowing my past and all the bullshit I've been through, why would he do this to me? I'm not a bad person, I don't go out and intentionally hurt people. So why?

The next question is, why did I go on believing it for so long when I KNEW he was lying about shit?

Thank god for gut feelings - it's good to know they're still right on target, even if my stupid-ass heart and head choose to ignore them.

Darkness creeping in

You know how you feel right before you pass out? You get tunnel vision...blackness creeping in from the corners of your eyes and closing in fast...stomach feels like you just went swooping down the first big hill on the rollercoaster...you're lightheaded like you stood up too fast after sitting all day...That's how I'm feeling right now, only worse. I feel like someone just kicked me in the gut, then pointed and laughed at me as I fell on the ground. Now they're kicking dirt in my face.

Vin, I have so many questions, I don't even know where to start. But let me ask you the most important one of all. WHY?

On the bright side

I managed to get worked up enough to feel like masturbating last night. It was short and sweet, but it did the trick. I was fantasizing about someone watching me get spanked, and it turned me on so much that one vibrator wasn't enough - had to reach for the dildo and get a little double penetration going. Yum. Wish I could've had an audience for that - it would have been perfect.

Long day

I can tell it's going to be a long day. I woke up with a headache - never a good sign.

Vin's still out of town. He's been gone since last Monday, and I've spoken to him a grand total of about 15 minutes since Tuesday of last week. First he was sick with the flu and wouldn't call me or answer or return my calls. Then he left me a quick message Friday evening (I missed his call by one second, running to get the phone) to let me know he was going out with friends (work people) to celebrate an engagement. Then he called Saturday and I got to talk to him long enough to find out that he wasn't coming home, and that his phone was getting bad reception so he couldn't talk.

Odd that he's been staying at hotels that don't have regular phones. I figure if he really wanted to talk to me, he could have either called me from the hotel, or sent me a text message (he's sent me a couple and they've worked fine) with the # to the hotel so I could call him back and it wouldn't cost either of us anything. Why he hasn't, I don't know. He sent me a text message yesterday saying he'd try to call me later, but didn't.

I've been leaving him messages left and right telling him that I'm freaking out - that I need to talk to him - that I need him - that I miss him and I can't handle going this long with out talking to him.

He hasn't given any sign that he's gotten the messages, or that he's the least bit concerned about going so long without talking to me.

Is he really sick and busy and without phone, or is he trying to say something else? Fuck, it's senseless to speculate and I know it. But damn, what the hell else can I do? He is unavailable indefinitely - either by force or by choice. What the fuck am I supposed to think???

I have been sleeping for shit, and a lot of my sleep has been riddled with nightmares or bad dreams. One where I was being stalked and then I was kidnapped - they shoved a needle in my back and paralyzed me from the waist down. It was one of those dreams that feels so realistic that you can actually feel pain in it. It really sucked - I woke up breathing hard and sweating. In another bad dream, Vin was laughing at me and telling me how stupid I was and that he's been involved with someone else for over a month now. I was surprised when I woke up to see that I wasn't crying - it felt so real in my dream that when I woke up I was sure my face would be puffy with tears, but it wasn't.

There is no greater torture for me than needing desperately to talk to someone and not being able to - whatever the reason. It fucken tears me up.

Friday's Quote 2

"I am in hell." ~ Joe in the movie "Empire Records"

That's EXACTLY how I felt about work today. Thankfully, it's time to head home.

I suck

I haven't had the time or energy to fix the links to the 'Blogs I read' lately, and I feel bad. There are a few that I need/want to add and seriously, as soon as I have a little patience I'll hook it up. Really. Promise. In the mean time, go check out Flights of Fancy and Other Abominations. Lili writes well and is an entertaining blogger. Also, take a look at Dark Serenity. An excellent read.

There are more, but my boss is demanding my attention right this minute. I'll be back...

Friday's Quote

(Warning, I may find more than one [quote] today. It's the least I can do, considering I've been neglecting my Friday's quotes and neglecting to write about sex or anything even remotely interesting lately.)

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." ~ Ben Stein

What sound are you?

Rain: You are the sound of rain. You have two
important sides. There is your strong, powerful
side and your calm, gentle side. Both are very
important. Rain also reflects a bit of darkness
in your personality. It isn't bad, just shows
that along with the good, you also can see bad,
which can come in handy.


What Sound Are You?(now w/ pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

How perfectly correct this feels today. Thanks to Stevie for the inspiration - I saw she did this and I totally copied her. :)

Lack of sex posts

I'm sorry about the lack of sex talk around here lately. I haven't been getting much (only once) so far this year because Vin's been out of state more than he's been home. Also, I find that when I'm having emotional issues, my sex drive goes down like the Titanic.

I suppose I could dig around in the archives of my mind and try to come up with something. Maybe if I have a little time later, I'll relay the story of the first time I ever had sex with a girl. That might be good. Let me know if you come up with any questions or anything you want to know or want me to talk about. That'd help.

Sweet Jesus I am SO slow sometimes

You ever watch reality TV shows? It's okay, you don't have to admit it out loud in order to relate to this post. Say you're watching The Real World on MTV. (Or really any reality TV show in which the whole idea behind the show is to portray how people interact with one another.) Say a couple of cast members get into some kind of argument. As the brilliant arm-chair psychologist that you are, you sit there thinking to yourself (or, if you're like me, you yell at the TV) "God, you are so stupid! If only you would do ABC, this whole stupid problem would be solved. Why can't you people see that?!?!" It seems so OBVIOUS what the problem is and how to solve it, that you just can't understand why these dumb asses can't see it.

So why is it, that when it pertains to my own life, it seems so fucking impossible to apply that same principle?? I was laying in bed last night (being pissed off that I couldn't sleep because I had so much BULLSHIT on my mind) when it suddenly occurred to me that the simplest thing to do about this whole Vin situation is to just sit down and (get ready for this) TALK to him about it. As OrdinaryJoe so eloquently pointed out in my comments this morning - it probably is the easiest way to get these issues resolved. (Thanks, OJ - well said and definitely sound advice.)

Sometimes, the simplest of solutions is the hardest to see.

Sorry, BlogSpeak

I put up HaloScan so that I can get comments because BlogSpeak is down for an indefinite period of time, according to their site.

Sorry, I just can't live without comments. I, like GutRumbles, have "a ceaseless quest for adoration from peole who don't know me."

Thank you for your support. (Everytime I hear or type or say that phrase, it reminds me of those old Bartles and Jaymes commercials with the old guys. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then never mind!)

Damn Comments

Oh yea, forgot to say that I'm just irritated as all get out that my damned comments aren't working. I was kinda hoping that someone would come along with some gem of advice to calm me down before I ruin my relationship with Vin.

If you have anything to say to help keep me sane and stop spewing like an idiot about all this, feel freel to email me. Thanks y'all.

Melancholy

That's how I'm feeling today.

Is everything he's been telling me to this point just bullshit? Did he change his mind? Why doesn't he want to live with me? I mean, yea, he said he can't handle that much of a change, but why does it feel like there's more to it than that? He says he loves me more and more each day, and that he only feels good when he's with me - so why not live with me? The best, most restful sleep he ever gets is with me, so why wouldn't he want that everyday? Is it a question of committment? Is it a matter of whether or not he thinks he could be happier with someone other than me? Did we go wrong somewhere? Did I do something? Is it me? What do I do now? Whether I move or stay at my current apartment, it would mean signing another year lease - which means that even if he changed his mind about living with me, or decided later that he was ready, it would be at least another year before we could live together. And what about that? Does he want me to hang out for another year and stay with him on the hope that someday he'll want to go forward with things? Is this his way of backing off from the relationship without actually having to DO anything about backing off?

Do you see my confusion here?

I feel like there's more he wants to say, but can't or won't. I know that as a female, I read into things, and that it is entirely possible (okay, likely) that I am overreacting to all of this and making a much bigger deal out of it than it ought to be. I guess I just don't know what to think. I feel like he's trying to say something without saying it, and I'm just not getting the picture or something.

How is it that he wants to stay with me, but doesn't want to live with me?

FUCK I'm sick of listening to myself fucking WHINE about this. I'm shutting up now.

The best I can do is just take what he says at face value and leave it at that. (Though, come to think of it, he's actually said very little about it all. He didn't even say he didn't want to live with me - I had to deduce that on my own and then ask him about it. But whatever.) I just hope against hope that if he doesn't mean what he says (about being in love, etc.) then he stops saying it.

Okay seriously done rambling about this now. Crossing my fingers that he is as in love as he says he is, and has a hang up about living with women or something. Good luck to me.

Straining

Everything feels strained today. I feel like I'm experiencing life in a version that has been run through a strainer...like all the big chunks are sitting on top of the strainer and everything else that got through the holes is now all mushed together and making little sense.

It's been a long time since I've felt like I had no direction to go in the 'love' department. That's how I'm feeling now. Stalled, kind of. Like my brother's old used Hyundai - fucken thing couldn't get above 4th gear, and if I remember correctly it couldn't go in reverse, either. I'm moving, but can't seem to go forward (in my relationship), and I can't go back.

I thought that we were moving along nicely. Been dating 8 months, and by the time we would have been moving in together, we'd have been dating 11 months. That seems like an appropriate amount of time to be dating someone before moving in together. Hell, one of my best friends moved in with her g/f after they'd been dating about a week, so really, what is "an appropriate amount of time"?? I guess I just thought things were going at a nice pace - not too fast to scare anybody, not too slow to be stagnant. I thought we'd move in together, get used to each other, and eventually get married. Shit, he's gone ring shopping for fuck's sake! ????

I'm sorry that I keep droning on about this today. I just can't get a grip on what do to with this whole situation and until I do, it's going to be at the front of my mind. I was wondering earlier today what the hell I'd tell someone who came to me for advice about this same situation. I decided I'd tell that person to seek professional help, because I'm just clean outta ideas.

Guess I better go call a shrink or something, eh?

Not Dead

I'm alive, I'm alive. Came down with that nasty-ass flu last week, and was out of work as a result. I'm feeling better, but just barely. Health-wise, I'm okay - a few residual affects of the flu are still with me (cough, sniffles, tired as hell.) It's my personal life that seems to have really taken a turn for the worse.

I can pretty much visualize myself being back at square-one, and it's a damn nasty picture. Vin has decided he is not taking the job in St. Louis. In a way I'm relieved, because now he'll be staying here and I won't be needing to move and start all over and that's nice. A change would have been good, but hard, and I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that big of a change. We had discussed living together regardless of whether or not we move to St. Louis, and his position had been that he'd like to live with me no matter what. Bad news - he's decided he doesn't want to do that.

Did I make that clear enough? He doesn't want to live with me.

Now what? He says he doesn't want to break up. Says he likes how things are. He just can't handle the kind of change that would be required for him to live with me and that's why he doesn't want to.

I feel terrible. I don't know what the hell this means for the future of our relationship. How can we move forward if he doesn't ever want things to change? And what the hell am I going to do now for living arrangements? I am sick of my roomie and sick of living with her, and Vin's been telling me not to worry because it won't be very much longer that I'll have to endure. (Our lease is up in April.) After I found out Vin had changed his mind, I asked the roomie if she wanted to sign another year lease, she said she'd have to think about it. She was planning to move back w/her parents so that she could save money for a down payment on a home of her own, so she's not sure she wants to dump that to spend another year renting and wasting the money. Can't say I blame her. Hell, to be honest, I would feel releived if she didn't want to live with me anymore, for various reasons. But on the other hand, where the hell would I go? I can't really afford to live on my own, and I have no roomie prospects.

Fuck. I'm confused, frustrated. Feels like I'm heading into a depression, but I'm going to do everything I can to try to make sure that doesn't happen.

I understand that change is hard and that some people react worse to it than other people. I understand Vin's reasoning. Doesn't make it any easier, though. I want things that require change, and he doesn't want to do that. So really - now what??