Blaming Dad

Ok, so I figured out that it's all my dad's fault.

The thing is, my dad is a REALLY sensitive guy. And I don't mean that in a "pussy" kind of way. He's a man in every sense of the word; a great protector and provider and fits most other male stereotypes. But there are several he doesn't fit. The ones I'm currently frustrated by are the fact that he is very sensitive, and that he is a fantastic communicator.

Those are great qualities to have in a father. He's a great dad and I had a good childhood and our family has little to no dysfunction. All is well. The problem with his being sensitive and a great communicator is that it is so NOT the way most other males in the real world are. At least, not the ones I'm dealing with in my life presently.

I used to have a lot of male friends; mostly during high school and the period just after. So you'd think that I would have learned how to better communicate with men the way THEY communicate. Not true. The guys I was such good friends with saw me as their "link" to the female mind, and they kind of became like my girl friends. Confiding in me and seeking advice and...well....COMMUNICATING in an open and WORDY fashion.

As I grow older and am dealing with more (debatably) adult males, I'm beginning to realize that I never really learned how to communicate with males the way the average male communicates.

I expect them to fill me in on every detail at all times (without me asking) like a girl would. When they say "hey, I need you to (fill in the blank - give me a ride / pick up a soda for me on your way over / help me with my resume, etc.)" I fully expect that an explanation of why they need it will follow directly after that statement. Yeah, right!

See, a girl would say "Hey, would you stop by the store on your way home and pick up a gallon of milk for me? I would get it myself but the kids are sleeping and I don't want to wake them just to run to the store, and I know you're on your way home." A guy would just say "Hey, pick up a gallon of milk for me on your way home, wouldja?" Leaving me thinking "Why the fuck can't you get off your dead lazy ass and just go get it yourself??" (But of course I don't say that - it's just not my style. I just get the damn milk and think he's being kind of a dick.)

I'm starting to get - really GET - that the explanation just isn't going to come. Not because they're being dicks or because they are withholding information or because they're too lazy to explain or or or...I could go on and on with all the things I've come up with in my head as to why it could possibly be that they don't want to explain themselves. But the simple fact I'm coming to grips with now is - they don't explain because they just don't think it's necessary. They think that either A) we already know why they're asking us to do whatever it is they want us to do, or B) they just don't see the need for an explanation because, well, why should they explain? If we care about them as much as we say we do, then we should just KNOW that they have a good reason to be asking for whatever it is.

Vin and Timmy are the biggest culprits of this behavior lately, and I am now starting to understand that they're really not doing it on purpose. It's just how they operate.

I'm learning.

But I still blame Dad.

Sometimes...

...there's just nothing to say.

Do you ever feel like all the words have been used up? Like you've said everything there is to say? Ever feel like there aren't any original ideas left? Like everything's been said and done?

Feeling very BLAH today.

Vin's in town with his family, on vacation. I thought it would be a nice feeling to have him in the same state. It's not. It's worse than ever, because knowing he's this close and I can't see him is like putting someone in a round room and telling them to go sit in the corner.

I feel a little sick.

The last few weeks I've been feeling like we're worlds apart instead of just miles. There's been barely any email exchanged between us, and the phone calls are short, rushed, and full of smalltalk. Not that I don't appreciate every minute of his time - I do. I really do. I just wish that those stolen moments that we share were more full of "real" than "so, what are you up to?" type bullshit.

Just once, I'd like to hear him say "Hey, I'm coming into town but we're staying w/the inlaws and I won't be able to get away to see you. I probably won't be able to call or email much either, but I'll try to steal a few minutes here and there as best I can." But I don't hear that. What he says is "I'm coming into town next week. Can you take a day off work to spend with me?" As nice a sentiment as that is, we both know it's not going to happen.

I'll take the harsh, cold truth over happy wishful thinking any day of the week.

I know people communicate differently and I know he doesn't do and say shit like that on purpose.

Too bad that doesn't make it suck any less.

Better

I'm feeling a lot better today. Maeve asked me yesterday (when I wrote about being sad) what I was going to do about it. That got me thinking, and I decided to go home and make a list. A list of some short-term goals that are accomplishable. Things that I think will make me feel better; or at least put me in a better frame of mind.

I also spent a lot of time masturbating yesterday. I know that seems out of place to say right now, but DAMN I'll tell ya - it sure did help!! It was hard to stay sad after feeling SO DAMN GOOD. It took a lot of energy to even get in a mind frame where I thought getting off was possible - when I'm sad, the last thing I feel like doing is playing with myself. But I'm glad I made the effort. I seemed to help get my mind out of the rut it was in, at least a little. Like when your car's stuck in the snow and you have to put it in reverse...then in drive...then in reverse...and you rock back and forth a little at a time until you're out. Well getting off at work, then after work, then before bed, seem to be the 'rocking motion' that I need to help get me up outta this rut.

I'm going out with my friend/ex girlfriend, Chris, on Friday night. She's having "issues" with the current love of her life, and needs to have a little harmless, flirtatious fun - and get a wee bit drunk in the process. She's taking me to one of the gay bars in town that I've never been to, and I'm kind of excited. It might be nice to get a litte 'girl attention' for a night. Fuck, I hope somebody at least flirts with me or I'm gonna be bummed!

Sad

I feel so very sad today. Frustrated and sad.

I don't want to write about sad, damn it! I want to write about happiness and things that make me laugh, and sex and love and the good things in life.

But I can't. All I want to do is run away from things right now, and cry until I can't cry any more.

And no, it's not about Vin. It has nothing to do with Vin. It's all the other frustrations in my life that are bringing me down right now.

And I know that I really have no right to bitch. There are so many people in the world that have it so much worse than me - I don't have any fucken business AT ALL complaining about my sadness and frustration.

I just need to concentrate REALLY REALLY hard on what I'm DOING about it. That always helps.

Mate Survey

Any and all feedback is truly appreciated! :)

How did you meet your mate/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/sex hookup?

How have you met people in the past?

Is there something that has worked better for you than other things?

Something guaranteed to fail?


Thanks! And if you're wondering why I'm asking - see the post just before this one, entitled "Story behind the Mate Survey."

Story behind the Mate Survey...

Heyyyyy, so I need some help! (Hm, decided to put the actual survey in another post - see the one titled "Mate Survey.")

First, let me preface this by saying that on Saturday night, I left a tired, recovering Phoebe at my house alone so that my bitchy, selfish roomie, Jodie, and I could go out. I didn't want to go out, but Jodie is already mad at me for the amount of time I've been spending down at the neighbor's house recently (a story for later) so I decided to appease her. So we're out at the bar, and talking about her lack of sex/dating life lately, and she's bitching about not having met anyone recently. I pointed out to her that meeting a future mate in a bar is about as likely as getting laid at church. Besides which, we hang out at a local dive bar - not exactly a hot spot for action. So she starts begging me to place a personal ad for her online (right after insulting me for the people I've met online), because we have no computer at home and even if we did, there's no way she'd pay to get internet access. (No, not even if I paid half.) So of course I said no - and not just because it's a weird, fucked up thing to ask me to do...but mostly because I am sick of doing things for her. She rarely shows any appreciation when I go out of my way for her (which is nearly daily, and I'm not just stroking my ego here - I really do a lot of shit for her) and she NEVER reciprocates. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I don't do shit for people just so they'll do shit for me. I do it because I want to, I like it, and it makes me happy. But DAMN, once in a while she could do the littlest of things just to show that she appreciates me for fuck's sake. Anyway - point is, after I say no about 10 time in a row (it went like this: her-please??? me-No! her-please??? me-No!) she ended up GETTING MAD AT ME ABOUT IT.

I'm not kidding. She actually got mad at me for saying that I wouldn't do it. That's when she went on a rant about how she misses the "old Amy" who "used to have fun" and "used to let her have fun" and how now I'm just all boring and shit.

Okayyyy. I'm just going to let that slide. It is so not worth explaining to you why it is that I'm slowly cutting you out of my life while you're half-drunk. Shit, I'm not sure it's worth explaining to her even when she's stone cold sober.

Which brings me around to why I wrote all this in the first place, which is that in order to get her to stop being mad, I told her I'd compromise and do a survey on my blog about how people have met their significant others, mates, spouses, etc. See my next post.

Exhausted

I just can't seem to get enough sleep lately. I had a run-run-run kind of weekend, so that didn't exactly help.

(Hang w/me - there's a point to this story.)

I've mentioned my friend Phoebe a number of times. What I haven't mentioned is the multitude of her health issues. Long story short - at the ripe old age of 29, she's had three back surgeries and is waiting for a fourth, which they can't do until she loses weight. (She wears size 30-32 clothing.) Doc's won't operate because she's at too high a risk. She can't lose weight because she can't excercise, and is allergic to more foods than I can count.

So about a month ago, she had gastric bypass surgery so that she could lose enough weight to have her back fixed. The operation itself went well, but it's been a little rough-going since then. First of all, even pre-stomach surgery, her back problems are so bad that she's on 80mg of Oxycontin 3 times a day. (For anyone who doesn't know much about Oxycontin - the average person with no pain would be TOTALLY knocked on their ass by one 10mg pill.) Aside from the Oxy, she's also taking really strong pain meds for the pain from the stomach surgery. Due to all these damn meds she's on, she can only think straight about 20% of the day. She has trouble staying awake, and most of the time her speech is slurred.

Point being, that girl SHOULD NOT be driving a car. Anywhere. Ever. Problem is, she lives 2 1/2 hours north of the Twin Cities - where all her doctors, follow up appointments, friends, and siblings are. Second problem is - she's stubborn as all hell. Up until last week, she had insisted on driving (alone) to the cities for her appointments and such. That is, until she got pulled over last week and nearly got arrested for a DUI. Seems FOUR different people with cell phones called the police on her to report erratic driving, including swerving and nearly going into the ditch more than once.

So it was time for me to stop pleading with her to not drive (which I've done more times than I can count) and finally put my foot down. I basically told her, in no uncertain terms, that she wasn't going to drive to the cities alone, ever again. Instead, I was going to drive her from now on. When she tried to protest, I pointed out to her that it wasn't just about me trying to prevent her from getting arrested. That confused her. So I said "Look, it's partially about that, but let me explain to you why it's so fucking important to me. Because how the fuck are you going to live with yourself if you fall asleep at the wheel AGAIN, and this time, instead of just going in the ditch [which she's done 3-4 times], you cross the median and hit a family in a caravan head-on, and you live and they don't??" That stopped her in her tracks. She agreed not to drive this far anymore, and agreed to let me help her make other arrangements to get back and forth.

So, to get to the point of this whole story...I'm tired because last weekend I drove up north and back twice. It's 5 hours round-trip if you don't have to stop - but of course much longer because nothing is EVER a non-stop round-trip affair with Phoebe. Not a bad thing, but it can sure wipe a person out.

Now, the thing that keeps fucking with me is that all of our close friends (a bunch of which we were with on Saturday) kept gushing over what a big deal it was that I went and got her and what a good friend I am and how nice that was of me and on and on.

I'm flattered...kind of...but in the back of my head all I'm thinking is WHAT THE FUCK?? How is this a big deal?? Are all of you saying that you'd rather she take her chances driving and kill people or get killed than to just do her the TINIEST of favors by going to get her?? How does this make me such a great friend?? Am I crazy to think that all of you thinking that is just crazy??

I don't know. I guess it just confuses me the things that they are willing to let her do for them, even in her fucked up state of physical, emotional, and mental being - and how little they are willing to do for her.

I'd like to believe that there are more people like me and Phoebe in the world...but the number of those people that I know personally just keeps getting smaller and smaller. It's discouraging, to say the least.

Friday's Quote

"I read somewhere, the reason most relationships break down is that each partner is waiting for the other to fix it. But if you want somebody to stand by you always, you have to be willing to do the same for them, even when they're acting like an idiot."
~Joline (main character from the movie Committed)

Stuff

The other day, I posted about being confused. Jen, Maeve, and Ordinary Joe made some good points in my comments regarding that post. Comments that kept me thinking about things all the way through the weekend.

I spent a lot of time taking their suggestions. I was truthful with myself. I put the shoe on the other foot and thought about what advice I would give to me if I were a friend of mine, and I'll tell ya, that one kept me thinking longer than I expected it would. I realized that my advice to my 'friend' would directly depend on how well I knew this person, and how much I knew about their situation.

I realized that if I had a friend in my situation, and I knew her as well as several of my friends know me and know my situation inside and out, I'd be telling her exactly what they've been telling me. Which is to be careful, pay attention, don't turn a blind eye, give him the benefit of the doubt when I feel he deserves it, and give him a figurative smack upside the head when I feel he deserves that. They have been listening to the story, detail for detail, from the very beginning and know just how strongly I feel about him. They know how I am and how I love, and know that this is the first time I've truly been in love since Timmy. They have given me the advice of taking a 'wait and see' approach - to not give up unless I should (and they've assured me that if they think that time has come, they'll be the first to let me know) and have hope and faith - just not so much that it blinds me.

I also realized after doing all this thinking last weekend, that although it's not perfect and we have a lot of obstacles, Vin makes me a lot happier than unhappy. We have struggles that are abnormal to many relationships, and at times we allow them to get in our way more than we ought to, which makes both of us unhappy. But we spend a LOT more time laughing and having good times and good conversations than bad. The reasons I want to stay with him and make it work far outweigh and outnumber any of the reasons for either of us to leave.

The biggest reason being Love. With all it's imperfections and flaws. Just like us.

Taking Prozac

Thank you - I got a couple of email responses to my last post, and Ordinary Joe left me a comment. It's a really good start, and I appreciate your help!

Ordinary Joe said "...with the improved meds on the market, I don't know why anyone would be on Prozac any longer."

I should probably mention how I got started on Prozac in the first place. I went to my doc (my regular doc - the one I see for everything) and said "Okay, I need some help here. I feel like I have PMS all the time, especially regarding my anger. People just can't seem to be stupid enough. They are constantly pissing me off. And worse, I feel like I don't have any control over how angry I get in relation to the problem or situation. Not to mention the overly-emotional state I seem to be in much of the time. But mostly, it's the anger thing. I want to throw things and rip people's heads off, a lot of the time." Doc said "Okay, let's try Prozac. Give it about 4 weeks. After that, if you don't feel a difference or it's not helping, come back and talk to me and we'll try something else." So I gave it a few weeks, and whaddya know - I started feeling a whole helluva lot better. I felt like I had control over my emotions and anger again. I felt like whether or not I got mad about something was a choice. I felt the most normal I had in a very, very long time. I felt like ME again.

Until it was pointed out to me (I don't mean to imply that's what Ordinary Joe meant - it was pointed out to me by someone close to me) that Prozac is very likely the wrong drug for me, it never occurred to me to question it. I got addicted to the fact that I felt balanced and normal again, and never questioned whether or not it's the best solution. That's a huge part of why I want to talk to someone about it - someone besides my regular doc.

__________

Suddenly I don't really feel like talking about this anymore.

I got interrupted and lost my train of thought, and now I don't feel like finishing what I started. (LOL...story of my life.)

I've realized some things recently. One is that all I seem to be doing with this blog lately is whining, bitching, moaning, crying, etc. I feel like I sound down or negative almost all the time lately. I don't know what my original purpose with this blog was, but this doesn't seem like what I had in mind. Suddenly it feels like it has become less of an outlet, less of a 'journal' and more of an opportunity for me to seek the opinions of others - opinions that I'd never come across in offline-life, due to my fairly small circle of friends. I crave comments. I crave support. I crave attention. I crave the feedback. It seems....I don't know...Wrong. But I can't exactly put my finger on why.

Therapy/Counseling/Psychiatry/Psychology/Psychoanalysis

???????????????????

How do I determine who to talk to?

Do I need therapy? Counseling? Psychoanalysis? Are they all the same?

Do I still need to be taking prozac or can I stop? (I've been told that my need to take it is "all in my head" and that "it would be the same thing as taking a placebo" and that I should "stop taking it" because "it's not the right drug" for me.) Or do I need more drugs? Different drugs?

How do I know what I need, and who I need it from?

Resources? Anyone?

Whether or not this is a daunting task is not the problem. The problem is that it FEELS like a daunting task. And I know myself well enough to know that because I don't know how to go about getting help, I will ignore the fact that I need help altogether. I will pretend everything is fine, and go about my business.

It's unhealthy. I need help. It is hard (read: practically impossible) for me to admit when I need help, and it's even harder to ask for help when I do need it. But it's time to admit and time to ask - I need to talk to someone. Someone with training and experience. A professional. I need to get my head straightened out. I can't keep going on like this.

Please, if you know of some direction you could point me in, let me know. Time is of the essence. (NO I'm not suicidal and I honestly don't think I have been recently, despite what I may have said.)

You were robbed of Friday's Quote

So here you go.

"I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite." ~Gilbert K. Chesterton

Aren't I just a little shit?!

Interesting...and Accurate

Big Five Word Test Results

Extroversion (60%) moderately high which suggests you are talkative, optimistic, sociable and affectionate but possibly not very internally grounded. Friendliness (84%) very high which suggests you are extremely good natured, trusting, and helpful but probably too agreeable Orderliness (76%) high which suggests you are very organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but possibly not very spontaneous and fun. Emotional Stability (44%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous. Openmindedness (48%) medium which suggests you are moderately intellectual, curious, and imaginative.

Take Free Big Five Word Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Taking Time To Giggle

I was browsing Grey Biker's blog today, and noticed he's got one of those weather thingies on the left hand side of his blog. You know the ones - from the Weather Channel...they give you basic up-to-date weather info. Anyway. So I'm glancing at his, and I notice the temp is 83...and below that it says "Feels Like: 84".

I'd like to meet the person that can honestly tell me they can tell the difference between 83 and 84 degrees.

LOL...I'll tell ya, that was a good giggle for me today.

Confused

I can't remember a time in my life that I have ever been as confused as I am now.

Well I suppose that's not entirely true - placing Jake for adoption was a pretty painful and confusing time in my life, and that situation was much more confusing than anything I've had to deal with since.

Vin told me yesterday he doesn't want to stay broken up, and that everything I'd said in my post from yesterday was basically correct. (Mostly the part about him wanting to set me free to enjoy my life because he thinks I'm limited by staying with him.)

I have a handful of friends here at home that were really happy about that - the ones that feel that what I have with Vin is true love, even if it comes in a fucked-up package for right now.

Of course Jodie (my roomie) is beyond pissed to know that he and I are back on speaking terms. She says nothing, really - but she does manage to get her little jabs in here and there. It's just her way.

And then there's all my online friends (aka you - people who read my blog) that think I'm totally insane for not running as fast as I can in the opposite direction from Vin.

Everyone has a valid point. Everyone has a valid opinion. Most of them I can, to a degree, agree with and fully understand. Especially considering that most of it is exactly the kind of advice I'd give if I were on the outside looking in.

But not every single person with an opinion can't be right. I mean, some say stay, some say go, some say bide your time and see how the chips fall, and some say I need to learn how to get some self-esteem and learn to do what my head says, not my heart. That's too many conflicting opinions for ALL of them to be the right thing to do.

So when do you know when you should listen to yourself, and when you should listen to everyone else??

I have seen people do some of the most assinine shit on the planet, and all of it could have been avoided by heeding some very good advice. I have also seen people say "fuck everyone" and ignore all the good advice in the world, and things worked out for the best.

It goes both ways, I suppose.

In my heart, I feel like I did the first time I was completely and madly in love - the serious kind. I've had relationships with people between now and then, and nothing has affected me this way until Vin.

Maybe I'm not confused. Maybe in my head and my heart I know what the right thing is, but because people point out the opposite way of looking at it, I doubt myself and think maybe I'm wrong.

I think a better idea is to get into therapy, and start learning how to build my self-esteem, and start feeling 100% about MYSELF again.

Then maybe things will start to look a whole helluva lot more clear.

Calm, Rational

Okay...so I may not be totally calm and rational just yet, but I'm a lot closer to that than I was yesterday.

Thank you, all of you, for your kind, encouraging words and support. I sincerely appreciate it.

I don't think I've been fair to Vin on this blog, and I want to try to correct that. I know for a fact that I have never painted an accurate picture of our relationship, and I sure as hell have never made it clear that he really is very much in love with me. I know that sounds fucking crazy, but it's the truth. It is a fact that he is even more torn up about trying to leave me than I am about being left, and I think you have a pretty clear picture of just how fucked up I feel about being left.

A very weird, interesting series of events happened yesterday. Somehow, I don't feel like it's totally fair to him to get into all the details, but I learned in a roundabout way that I have a much more profound affect on him than I ever truly believed I did, or do.

I understand why he broke up with me. He has a lot more going on in his life than I'm aware of. It upsets me that he can't share with me every aspect of what he's dealing with and going through, but I understand that he doesn't share because he's trying to sheild me - not because he's trying to hide things. Because of all this 'stuff' going on in his life, he knows he can't give me even a fraction of the attention I need or deserve. He can't see me every 4-6 weeks like he's been able to do over the last few months. He knows I am unhappy about this, and he's even more unhappy about it than I am. But he has things in his life that need sorting out, and that need his full attention to get sorted out before he can attempt to share his life with me. Which means, in the simplest terms, that I can't expect much, if anything, from him for awhile. He realizes it is unfair of him to ask me to wait...to put my life on hold while he figures things out. He realizes that he can't hold me back that way. That I need to be free to do whatever I want and that may include meeting someone that can be there for me and give me what I need 100% of the time.

Those are facts, not just what I think or what I interpret the situation to be. FACTS.

I have tried many other times to dispute my need for someone else. I have tried to make him understand that he is all I need and want, in whatever capacity he is available to me. I have tried to make it clear that it is my choice to stay with him - it's nothing he's asked of me or forced me into. I know he has heard me, and to an extent, he has believed me. But this is where it gets tricky.

Vin knows that I have a tendency to be a doormat to people I care about. He's absolutely right. It's something I'm aware of and working on, but it's going to take time for me to unlearn the behavior that 'others come first'. I tend to put my wants and needs on the back burner, and that isn't good.

I believe this has caused Vin to think that he is using me. Or that he is treating me as a doormat. Or that because he has to put himself first right now, that means that my needs aren't being met.

I strongly disagree with this. I understand why he thinks what he does, and why he wants me to move on. I believe it is honorable and noble of him to force me to move on because he believes he is hurting me. He has told me that he can't stand to see me unhappy for the next 10 months (the amount of time until we can be together), and I understand that. But I don't think he's aware that my unhappiness can be fixed.

I don't know what else I want to say just yet. I only know that I am not ready to move on. I am not ready to let go. And I am not ready to give up.

More thoughts later.

Didn't think before I acted

This morning after he and I exchanged a few emails, he made it clear that he didn't want to speak to me anymore.

I went berzerk, in that quiet way you do when you're at work and can't start crying loudly in anguish. I acted rashly. I deleted every email he's ever sent. Even the ones I'd saved on disk. I deleted every voice mail from my work phone. I deleted every text message from my cell phone. All of it - gone in a matter of minutes.

At the time, I thought that if I could just delete every trace of him from things I can see and touch, then maybe it will be easier to face trying to move on w/out him.

I was wrong.

What I wouldn't give to get all that back right now. To see his words, and to know that he meant them with all his heart at the time. Probably means them still.

And my blog. Jesus. All that shit about worthless and suicidal and blah blah blah...YEAH, I thought it...but damn, I should have thought longer before I posted. I sound...pathetic.

I'm just lost. Abso - fucking - lutely LOST.

Why is it ...

...that what seems like such a simple solution to some people, is just impossible for other people to see?

Why can't he just leave her? I never really got a straight answer to that. Oh, he had his reasons - multitudes of them. But when it comes right down to it, what's the bottom fucking line? Why can't he just go??????

Why do I have to move on from (aside from the lying) the greatest relationship I've ever had? Why do I have to get over it? Why can't he just leave and be happy with me? Why is it so hard? Why couldn't he ever be totally straight with me? Why were there always half-truths and half-stories and things he left out and things he avoided. Why?

YES I know it's pointless to ask. Yes I know that asking these questions doesn't make one damn bit of difference now.

And YES I know that most of you are probably thinking "If it wasn't exactly what you wanted, why didn't you leave a long time ago??" That's your simple solution that is just impossible for me to see.

It's impossible for me to understand why things have to be the way they are right now.

I don't want to move on. I want it to be what I know it could be, god dammit.

Everything sucks

Sometimes, it seems impossible that I could be so stupid. I mean, seriously.

I'm fucking empty. Everything is pointless. Worthless.

My life will now go back to exactly what it was before - me alone and wondering why I even exist. Bored to death. Only now, more bitter and untrusting than before.

Why do I think I need love in my life in order to feel good? Feel special? Feel like life is worth living? What the hell is wrong with me??

There is no point in trusting anymore. No point in trying again. No point in going on like a "normal" person. I have never been, and never will be normal. I'm ready to accept that.

People see me as a doormat, an easy mark, someone to take advantage of. It's not their fault - it's mine. I know that. I don't know how to change it or stop it, but I'm aware of it, at least. I think it's best if I just stop trying with new people. That requires far too much trust...and that's something I don't have any more.

I haven't felt this suicidal since high school. What a fucking joke I am.

It's over

He called last night to tell me that he wants me to see other people, but that for all practical purposes he still wants to be my boyfriend. He PROMISED me that I will see him again.

But it was all a lie, again.

He sent me a text message 5 minutes after we were off the phone to say "I'm sorry it's over. I enjoyed every minute with u. This I have never lied about."

No, fucker, it was just EVERYTHING ELSE that you lied about, right? Of course you enjoyed every minute with me. You enjoyed taking advantage of my love for you, and using me like the (obviously) worthless whore that I am.

Clearly, everything in his life is more important than me. Just wish he could have said so sooner, instead of pretending to put anything into this relationship.

ALL OF YOU WERE RIGHT. I WAS WRONG.

I woke up this morning and realized that my life is fucking worthless. Every mistake I make just keeps happening over and over again. Nothing is ever going to change. I can't truly be loved because I'm not worth it, and I never will be.

Too bad no one pays fat prostitutes, or I could at least find something to do with my life.