Happy Halloween

I hope all of you have a wonderful time, whatever you may be doing. Vin is taking his kids trick-or-treating, I think. Adorable.

It's holidays like this that make me miss my son, Jake. Holidays that seem more 'kid' oriented...Halloween, Easter, Christmas...that kind of thing. Mother's Day is another thing altogether - that one's ugly for me. It makes all the feelings I have about placing him for adoption come rushing back, and not always in a good way. I have never regretted my decision to place him, but I have spent a lot of time feeling very guilty about it. I don't want to make myself sad right now, so I don't think I'm going to write about that experience today. I'll save that for another day.

Drive safely if you're driving tonight. And have fun with your kids if you have them. Give them lots of hugs for me.

Friday's Quote

Wendy! Darling! Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash 'em right the fuck in! Ha, ha! ~ Jack Torrance, The Shining

In honor of Halloween, a quote from one of my favorite scary movies.

My latest Quizilla Quiz

Sparked by today's post (can't get that link to work - check his post from 10/29/03) from The Spartan, here's the results of my latest Quizilla Quiz...


Bondage movie! You're into BSDM (Bondage &
Discipline, Dominance & Submission) and chances
are, you're fond of whips, chains, harnesses,
and tight leather outfits. You like to mix a
little pain with a LOT of pleasure, baby!


What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Bwwahahahaha! Damn I love Quizilla!

How weird would You feel?

So I realized that I haven't mentioned that Vin stopped reading my blog. I can only conclude from his actions that either he thinks I suck as a writer, or he doesn't want me to have to worry that what I say may upset him. I'm not really sure which it is; I've asked him repeatedly why he stopped reading but he refuses to give me a reason. ::shrug::

Now for the weirdness. Once upon a time, Vin was married to a lady I'll call June. (In my head, I picture her as something I'll never be, so I equate her with June Cleaver. I've never met her in person, but I did see a picture of her once. Gorgeous. Made me think he 'traded-down' in the looks department, but I digress.) June and Vin have been divorced for about a year and a half or so. Vin sees June on a regular basis, as they have shared custody of their kids. As far as what Vin has told me about June, she's a pretty nice person, but that she and I are extremely different. I know, I know - get to the weirdness already. He gave her the link to my blog. Why? Why would he do this? I don't know. I can't imagine she would enjoy reading this. According to everything he's ever said about her, the two of us have about as much in common as an elephant and a lemon. He has given me the impression that she would not think highly of me for a variety of reasons - I never went to college, and I'm the type of person that has tattoos and piercings and hangs around with 'unseemly' people. So why on earth would he want to give her another reason to dislike me?? That being, of course, that what she reads here is likely to be extremely offensive to her, especially given that I talk quite a bit about sex, particularly sex with him.

I'm sure he has his reasons, I just wish I could figure out what they were. We didn't have a chance to discuss it - he called me last night when I was sleeping to tell me he gave her the link. Whatever. I'm too tired to speculate any more about it right now.

Plus, I'm slightly depressed. I would like to think that I'm writing this solely for my own benefit. Many bloggers say the same thing - that having a live journal such as this one is somewhat theraputic in nature and they don't care who reads - they're doing it for their own benefit. I guess I thought when I started this that that would be the reason I wrote, too. For my own benefit. But I have to be honest with myself. I'm an exhibitionist at heart. I want you to read me. I want you to care what I have to say. I long for your feedback and comments. What gets me slightly depressed is that almost no one reads me. Vin started a blog a couple weeks ago, and already he's had more hits to his blog in a couple weeks than I've had in over a month. Depressing. I, like many others, would like to think that what I have to say here is interesting enough for other people to want to read. Truth be told, my life and what I have to say about it are no more interesting than the average person.

Ah well. Back to convincing myself that I'm blogging for me, and that it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not. There is some theraputic quality to it - after blogging about Jody and what a selfish biatch she can be most of the time, I felt a lot better. And being able to vent about things really does make a difference to my sanity.

Guess I won't worry about who's reading or why. Guess I'll just worry about me. After all, that's the only person I have any control over anyway, right?

Humorous Search Terms

Last week, I noticed that someone found my site using the search term....

Upper Class Clit

Today, I see someone found me using the search term

Pinky Sexworld

I just have to wonder...what on earth were these people looking for? Things that make you go hmmmmm. And hey, if you are one of the wanderers who found me through some interesting search term, speak up! Let's hear what you were looking for when you found me.

Man I love the Internet!

Hand jobs vs. ??

A little tidbit from today's post over at ErosBlog prompts me to ask...

Guys - hand jobs, blow jobs, vaginal sex, or anal sex? Which feels the best to you? Is there one that you'd prefer she do to you more often than the others? Hm, that sounded biased...if you are a gay or bisexual male, take out the vaginal sex part and change the previous question to "he" rather than "she." Rate them if you want to, in the order that you like them. Is there one you wish she/he'd never do? Is there one you love but she/he sucks at (no pun intended!) but you wish she/he'd learn to do better? Have you told her/him? Can you tell her/him? Is there one she/he's better at than the others?

Would LOVE to get some feedback on this!

Oh, and girls...is there one you prefer doing more than the others? I personally have never really perfected my hand job technique. I'm kinda crappy at it due to lack of practice, and as a result I almost never spend any time working his dick with my hand. On the other hand (heh, no pun intended, again) I LOVE TO SUCK DICK. I mean seriously love it. As a result, I do that to him as much as I possibly can. (Last weekend was a good example...Aunt Flo was in town, so to avoid the messy implications of regular sex, I gave him head a bunch of times, which he loved.) Don't get me wrong, I really really really like regular sex; ditto for anal. I'd never turn either of them down, but I have a special place in my heart for blow jobs. So girls, weigh in with your thoughts.

Thanks!

No title, too much pressure

Sophia left me a comment today about my answers to Acidman's quiz from yesterday. This one in particular really got my mind going: "Anyway, too bad you're not further south. We could get together and chat about the joy of falling in love." First of all, THANK YOU Sophia! That's really sweet, and it would be way too fun to chat with you. Sam sounds interesting, and I'd love to hear all about the two of you.

But what made my mind start buzzing was that her comment reminded me that I have yet to express the anger and resentment that I have with my current roomie and supposed "best friend". (I'll call her Jody.)

Jody is a very "me-first, what's in it for me" kind of person...simply put, she's pretty damn selfish. I've never really had much of a problem with that. She doesn't do much just out of the kindness of her heart unless she's going to get something in return; that's just who she is and I accept that. Jody also has problems spending time by herself. She's easily bored and basically just hates being alone. There are times that I'll be chillin' in my room and she'll holler for me to come out and watch TV with her because she's lonely. Ok, whatever. What makes me angry and started all this resentment is the fact that when I started seeing Vin, she was basically angry with me. She wasn't happy for me in the least, nor would she express any amount of excitement for me. TOTAL STRANGERS LIKE SOPHIA SHOW MORE ENTHUSIASM FOR THE FACT THAT I'M IN LOVE THAN MY OWN FUCKING ROOMMATE, WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY "BEST FRIEND"! What the FUCK kind of shit is THAT??? Jody avoided me and started in with the passive-aggressive anger bit. SHE WOULDN'T EVEN COME TO ME to tell me what was going on; I finally had to go to her to find out what the fuck the problem was. Is there anything worse than having to go to someone who is supposed to be able to talk to you about anything to ask why they are upset with you? Jesus. Anyway, she finally admitted to me that she just couldn't be happy for me because she wasn't exactly happy with where she was at in life at the moment, and besides, she never really gets excited about anything. (Her words.) I was pissed off and hurt beyond belief. Basically, this person who is supposed to be my best friend was sitting there telling me that unless SHE was happy with her life, she couldn't be happy for me. That is the most hurt I've been in a helluva long time. It took away most of the "falling in love joy" that you feel at the beginning of a relationship, because I was busy feeling guilty about my happiness. I couldn't share any of the silly, funny, romantic things he'd done with me or for me, because when I tried to share them with her, she looked at me as if I'd just killed her favorite pet. At one point, she admitted to me that all she could think about is how my falling in love and possibly moving out (at some far off point in the future) was going to affect her. Thanks a lot. It's been a few months now, and she's had some time to get adjusted to the idea that Vin is going to be a part of my life. She still responds to me talking about him with icy silence. She still refuses to show any amount of happiness for me. And the bit about her "never really getting excited about stuff"? Hm....well a few days ago she came home with some new clothes, and gushed over her purchases as if she'd just won the fucking lottery. My inner voice was fucking SCREAMING at her - YOU CAN'T GET EXCITED ABOUT THE FACT THAT I'M HAPPIER THAN I'VE BEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE, BUT YOU CAN GET EXCITED ABOUT NEW CLOTHES?!?!

I am so angry with her! Well maybe it's not anger. I guess if I'm honest with myself, it just boils down to the fact that I'm just really fucking HURT. Why is it that she has to be happy with her life and herself in order to be happy for me? What the hell? I just don't get that. And what's worse is that our entire relationship and living situation has done nothing but go downhill in the last five months because of all this. I know she can see it, too. So what do I do? FUCK. I HATE THIS. I know what I have to do - I have to confront her. I have to find a way to bring it all up to her and get it all out in the open. There are two things wrong with that. First off, it pisses me off that it's MY responsiblity to fix the problem when SHE is the cause of the problem. And secondly, I FUCKING HATE CONFRONTATION. HATE IT. And I hate it even more with someone that REFUSES to just let it all out. She will hem and haw about it and not really speak her mind, which will make it twice as fucking bad. Sometimes, I wish I was the old me that would just avoid this until we got in a big fight and parted ways. Sometimes, avoiding things is so much easier. But it isn't fair, and if you think about it, it isn't right, either. The right thing to do is to basically let her have it, as it were, and see what happens. I just really wish I could find a way to do this without ruining our friendship, which is what I fear may happen. Aw hell, I guess when ya think about it, our friendship is more likely to survive if we get it out in the open than if we don't. I just hate confrontation. Maybe I'll take the pussy way out and write it all down and give her a chance to do the same. That way, it might be easier for both of us.

Wish me luck.

Fluffy Fodder

I had a great weekend with Vin. Absolutely wonderful. Our conversations went very well, though I wish he would have said more in response to my thoughts and feelings. But it's all good. I'm glad we're on the same page. I am happy. :)

I've been behind in my daily reads. Work has been keeping me from screwing around online as much as I'd like. Go figure. At any rate, thought I'd share with you my answer to Acidman's interview questions from last week over at Gut Rumbles:

1) Does anybody really see a correlation between the size of a man's feet or his nose and the size of his penis?
I think many people DO see a correlation, but I believe they have been misinformed. I have been with my share of guys with big feet and/or big noses that had *nothing* to do with their dick size. Like I always say, if you wanna know the size of a dude's dick, get him hard and look at his dick. Other indicators are usually false myths.

2) If you are a woman, would you ever get a tit-job? If so, why?
Hm. Define tit-job. Would I get them enlarged? Hell no, they're big enough already as 44DD's. Would I get a tit-job to change other things about them? Yep! I cannot tell a lie, they're pretty saggy and my nipples have never been the pointing straight-out-at-you kind. I'd like to have a tit-job done to make them point out instead of down at the floor!

3) If you are a man, would you buy a bionic Roscoe if your dick quit working? If so, why?
Absolutely! I can't imagine living any portion of my life without a functioning sex organ. I truly believe sexual release and pleasure are part of what keep me sane, and I would do everything in my power to make sure I never had to go without.

4) Did you ever sleep with someone and wake up in the morning unable to remember their name? If not, WHY NOT?
Yes. But in my defense, I'm not sure he gave me his name to begin with.

5) Which would you rather have for a pet? A DOG or a CAT? If you answer "cat," you've got some serious explaining to do.
I'd rather have both. Currently I have cats (can't have dogs in my apartment, and plus who would do that to a dog anyway?). I love my cats. They don't stink because they wash themselves, they are independent without being standoffish, and they don't need me to entertain them. They greet me at the door after work, they come when I call them, and they cuddle with me when I'm feeling shitty. They never bitch when I leave them alone for a couple days, and they don't pee, shit on, or chew up my stuff.

6) Do you eat grits for breakfast?
I'd like to, but you just can't get good grits in Minnesota. All we can find up here is Instant Grits, and although they're pretty good, they aren't the same as what you get in the south. If I could have the kind of grits that I've had the many times that I've been to New Orleans, I'd have them every morning. With sugar, thankyouverymuch.

7) What is the most dumb-ass thing you ever did in your life? Was it fun or has it haunted you for years?
Hm. It's a tie between having unprotected sex for years and years and years until I finally got pregnant, or the two times that I cheated with my best friend's husbands. (Yea, she was married twice and both of them cheated on her with me.) SOME OF the sex was fun, but for the most part, those things have haunted me for years.

8) Do you exceed the speed limit regularly when you drive, or just do it occasionally? Don't tell me that you NEVER SPEED you lying shit! Tell the truth!
What can I say? Of course I speed regularly! Cut me some slack, I drive a Mustang! You can't help but speed in that thing.

9) Describe the happiest day you can remember living.
Oh I hate this question. I don't know what my "happiest" day was. I can't point to some big, significant event in my life like my wedding day (hasn't happened yet) or the birth of my child (placed him for adoption; not a "happy" day) and say "yes, that's it!", so it's hard for me to nail down the happiest day I can remember living. I've had many days that I remember has happy ones, but I could never pick a "happiest." Right now, all my "happy" days that come to mind revolve around Vin, and how it felt when I was falling in love with him. Since I've been with him, I've been happier than I've ever been in my whole life.

10) Do you believe that some things are worth dying for? If so, name one thing worth dying for and tell me why you feel so strongly about it.
Absolutely. Vin is worth dying for. I love him with all my heart and soul; there's no question I'd die for him. I would also die for several of my friends and family members. I can't really find a way to describe why exactly it is that I feel the way I do. I only know that it's automatic. If someone were to point a gun at me and tell me to choose between my life and the life of anyone I love, I would tell that person to take my life without hesitation.

See, now wasn't that fun? If anyone has any other fun questions for me, or interesting questions that aren't necessarily FOR ME, but that they'd like to see me answer, SPEAK UP! :)

Our weekend away

Well, I had written a really long post. It was about how we're going away this weekend and how happy I am. I also talked about the wonderful head I gave him last night and how much I loved it.

Then I went to post and publish it.

Only to find out that the FUCKTARDS in my IT department here at work had shutdown the fucking network without telling anyone. Which is something that happens about 2-3 times a week around here. I could go on and on about how ridiculous they are and how much it pisses me off, but frankly it just doesn't deserve that much energy.

So he came over last night and it was fucking wonderful. It was good to lay with him and feel the closeness between us. It was good to spend time kissing him. And it was fucking awesome that I got to give him head, because I haven't been able to do that in awhile. What was even more awesome than that is that I got to make him cum that way. MMMMMMM I love that!!!!! He doesn't always cum from oral stimulation, so it's fucking awesome when he does.

I'm thrilled that we're going to have time alone together this weekend. I plan to spend lots of time in bed with him, reconnecting, sharing, cuddling, kissing, telling secrets, and lots and lots of talking. Really talking. Getting all our wants and needs and hopes for the future out in the open. I hope they match. Deep down, I know they will. Yes, there are times that each of us has our little craziness...our doubts, our worries, our concerns. Sometimes, it gets the better of us. Most of the time though, we manage to level each other out. I don't know what I'm getting at really, except that I'm happy we'll have this time alone to relax and just BE together. I'm looking forward to it, and I know he is too.

May all of you have a fantastic weekend that includes just the right amount of laughter, fun, and sex. Kisses all around.

Friday's Quote

"You complete me" ~ Jerry Maguire

Knowing about him

Stevie left me the following comment in response to this post.

Be even nicer to know about him for sure, right, Sweetie? (I can feel you in this post...) "Don't ask, don't tell"...indeed.

(I keep re-reading this instead of posting it. I wish I knew how to do italics. I'd italicize the word 'feel', if I could. I'd also italicize the word 'him', because I don't really think it's you you're wondering about. I do not want this comment to sound short or snotty or mean AT ALL...hence wishing I could emphasize key words.) (If I had a younger sister in my life, I wish you were her...)

First of all, thanks Stevie. Consider yourself my older sista! Now, let me address your comment properly.

I can totally see where Stevie's coming from on this. If I were anyone but me, I'd say the same thing. Especially given the "don't ask, don't tell" rule. I should maybe point out (in case I haven't already) that the rule is HIS, not mine. He has insisted that if I should ever stray, I just don't tell him about it. There are a lot of issues behind why he insists on that rule that I won't go into, but suffice it to say, he has his reasons and I was not put on this earth to try to change anybody. I don't agree WITH it, but I will agree TO it. That said, I had to insist on a rule of my own...which is...if he should ever cheat in any way, shape, or form that he MUST tell me about it. He agreed to that. I don't know that he fully understood all the reasons behind my rule, but he agreed to it anyway. Funny thing is, I don't worry about him cheating in the least. It probably sounds weird, but you have to know him to fully understand. It's just simply not in his nature.

When we were first going out, we had many long discussions about the pros and cons of monogamy vs. open relationships. I was in favor of an open relationship, he was in favor of monogamy. Long story short (because I'm too lazy to get into the whole thing right now) we agreed upon monogamy. Not because he talked me into it, and not because I knew that's what he wanted and so I agreed to it. It was (and is, and will be) what I wanted. We had many discussions about cheating, as well. Based on all those conversations and a host of other reasons, I know in my heart that him cheating is something I will never have to worry about.

I'm short on time so I'm trying to cram this in here before a meeting. I feel like there's more I want to say, so hopefully I'll get to this later today. If not, there's always tomorrow! Oh! And sorry 'bout my lack of posts this week. I was out sick on Monday and yesterday was hell trying to get all caught up. Tomorrow should provide me with a little more time for blogging fun.

Kisses to all of you that have left me kind and encouraging comments over the last few days of my craziness. Thank you. It's nice to know people are reading this, and that they care how I'm feeling. Oh, and it's also nice knowing I'm not half as nuts as I sometimes feel!

love, confusion

I'm scared to allow myself to be as completely in love with him as I am. I am scared of getting my heart broken, again. I don't think my heart's strong enough to break again - I don't know that I could pick up the pieces and start over. Again.

I was realizing the other day that just because he doesn't express himself the same way I do, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel the same way I do. I was finally starting to really understand and believe that our relationship is strong enough to make it through the rough spots...the misunderstandings, the disagreements. I was finally starting to see that maybe it really is okay to really truly completely let myself go and fall....because I was starting to see that he really will catch me.

But then I read something he wrote that made me doubt all of it. Not just doubt. But see that maybe it was wrong of me to think all that. Now I don't know what to do. I am very confused. It's hard, because he frequently changes his mind about things. Some days he feels one way, other days he feels another way. How can I know what's real? What do I rely on? I'd like to rely on his actions, but that can be as confusing as his words sometimes.

It would be easier to deal with the confusion if I knew FOR A FACT what the concrete foundation was. Do you know what I mean? Like, I have this best friend Janie. She and I have been friends for a long damn time. We've had our ups and downs and have had as many fights and disagreements as we've had good, fun, hilarious times. I know our concrete foundation is rooted in great love and respect for one another and that no matter what happens in our lives, she will always be there for me and I will always be there for her. Even if she pissed me off beyond belief and I was more angry than I'd ever been at her, if she called and said she needed me I'd drop everything to help her. I know that no matter how many times she changes her mind and agrees or disagrees with me, our relationship is solid and it isn't going anywhere. It is a constant in my life that comes as easily and with no more thought than breathing.

I want and need my relationship with Vin to be that way. I was starting to understand and believe that it is.

Now I'm not so sure.

We have a weekend coming up, Vin and I. We are going to be together, just the two of us for two whole days. No interruptions. It will be a good opportunity for us to really sort these things out and tell each other - no holds barred - exactly how we feel and what each of us wants out of this relationship and where we see our future headed. I had thought this was going to be a good opportunity for me to tell him that although I'm really mental and just plain SLOW sometimes, that I get it now. That I know that we have that good kind of relationship - like the kind like I have with Janie, only in that sense you get with your mate and not your best friend. Now I'm thinking that maybe I should just let him talk first. Holy crap I can't believe I just said that. In my head I was just thinking - let him talk first, so that if he says something that is opposite of how I feel, I can just adjust what I was going to say. I can accomodate what he wants and make my feelings match that. Because that way, it will hurt less.

I give up for now. It is no use getting all worked up over something I have no control over. Regardless if he talks first or not, I am committing to myself right here right now that I will tell him how I feel and let the chips fall where they may. I will not shatter into a thousand pieces if I find out that he doesn't feel the way I do or want what I want. I will simply deal with it. The world will not end. And neither will I.

Yahoo Messenger

Before I discovered Blogs, I used to spend a lot of time chatting online. Mostly for something to do to avoid working. It was interesting and fun for awhile, but it became tedious, boring, and repetetive. Oh get your head out of the gutter already! I wasn't into cybersex, not even in the beginning...but I will admit I did my share of nasty talking to a select few, for shits and giggles. I have Yahoo Messenger installed on my computer now, but I am rarely logged into it, and when I am, I'm logged in as 'invisible' so that my Yahoo Buddies can't see I'm online and bug me. I realized yesterday that I hadn't logged in for awhile, so I logged in to see what kind of 'offline' messages I'd received. I like that Yahoo will store messages for me that way. Nice. I'd gotten a few, from people I used to spend a lot of time talking to...I guess you could call them "friends" though they weren't people I've ever met (or ever plan to meet) in real life. I also had a message from some random guy that said something to the effect of "Very lovely. Sad to see you have a boyfriend." (I have a profile online that has my picture and link to my Yahoo Messenger ID, and my profile states that I am in love with my boyfriend.) So being the nice person that I am, I wrote him a quick note back to say thank you and that he was sweet. To my surprise, he was online and wrote back immediately. Shit. I didn't really wanna talk to the dude, I was just being nice! Anyway. So he starts saying how he's saddened that I have a b/f, but he'll try to get over his enviousness. I'm thinking yea okay whatever buddy, but I'm still being nice and chatting. And I'll admit I started flirting a little bit. I don't know what came over me. I was having a bad day and he wanted to pay attention to me and I liked it...fucken sue me! Point is, he eventually says something to the effect that he'd like the opportunity to give me a full body massage and show me how sexually talented he is. Okay first of all, what makes people think shit like that is going to work? Seriously! He's never met me, never talked to me before, but somehow he thinks that a 2 minute conversation with me is going to somehow turn into a little sexual adventure for the two of us? Give me a break man! Anyway, I told him it wasn't going to happen. I didn't even think twice about it. Yea I'm lonely and horny and Vin's out of town this weekend. And yea I know I could get away with it - especially given that Vin's got a "don't ask - don't tell" policy when it comes to cheating. He's told me in no uncertain terms that if I cheat, I just can't tell him about it. I understand it, but I'll never agree with it. Point being - even though I know I could get away with it, it didn't even cross my mind to consider doing it. And it's not just because it's random dude from the internet. I realized when I turned dude down that even if he was someone I knew, I still wouldn't have considered doing it. I mean, given my long post about cheating this probably isn't a surprise to you. And to be honest, it's really not a SURPRISE to me either. But I have been curious to see what my gut reaction would be like if and when the opportunity presented itself. It's one thing to say you feel a certain way about something, but what you do about it is really the key. Actions speak louder than words. I hope my actions speak volumes to Vin. I know he trusts me in theory, but I also know that he reserves more than a little doubt in the back of his mind about ALL things in life. Call it a certain amount of pessimism if you will. And maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe I am the one thing in his life that he trusts implicitly. But somehow I don't know that he can trust anything in his life implicitly...not even me. Regardless. I am happy to have concrete evidence in my own mind that he really is the only man I want to be with, sexually or otherwise. Not that I needed it. But it's still nice to have.

Friday's Quote

"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him." ~ Lee, in the movie Secretary

Damn I love Quizilla!

You must like to spank or be spanked, because your
romance is remeniscent of Secretary. A truly
modern love story, it shows that you don't need
to be conventional to be normal. You're
probably the type that owns a whole lot more
leather than what's upholstering your car or
sofa. Yeah, you know what I mean.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla


Hehehehe....is Quizilla EVER wrong?

Figures

He told me last night that he has to hear my voice at least once a day. So I know I can count on him to call me everyday that he is gone. Of course, when he called a little bit ago to let me know he'd landed safely and everything was fine, I missed his call. He laughed on my voice mail..."this is my one time hearing your voice today, hahahaha". Yea, that's hilarious. Fucker. Ok, he's not really a fucker. I just really could have used a little jolt of positive energy from talking to him, even if only for a minute. Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll call me tonight. [Crossing fingers.]

On a lighter note...we have a bet going. I mentioned to him last night that I hadn't masturbated since I last saw him, which was last Saturday night. I think me saying that might have been the first time I've ever really surprised him. He said "WHAT?!" in such a high squeaky tone that I'm convinced dogs all over my neighborhood were going apeshit. I had to laugh. Anyway, I told him that I'm pretty sure I can hold out until I see him again, which most likely isn't going to be until AT LEAST next Thursday, possibly not until Saturday. He bet me that I can't. If I win, I get a brand-new $20 bill. If I lose, he gets my teddy bear for an undetermined amount of time. Evil little shit, ain't he? I told him that if I lose and he takes Farmer Ted (doesn't everyone name their teddy bear??) that he better be good to him and sleep and cuddle with him the way I do. I mean after all, it's not Farmer Ted's fault if I lose, so why should he suffer? And yes, I know I'm a big big freak for sleeping and cuddling with a teddy bear, and yes, I know I'm an even bigger freak for talking like my teddy has feelings. Well I don't care what kind of freak y'all think I am. It's lonely sleeping alone, dammit!

Ah, Sweet Misery

I've been taking Prozac for almost two years. I'm fairly good about taking it on a regular, daily basis. Some days I forget, but most days I remember. I knew I was going to run out of my prescription this week, so last Friday I placed my refill order online with my pharmacy. Long story short, I still don't have my refill and I'm out of pills. ::Sigh:: Do you know how hard it is for me to be patient sometimes? Of course you don't. Imagine any woman you know that suffers from a stereotypical form of PMS. Multiply that by about 10, and you will have some idea about how I'm feeling, thinking, and acting when I've forgotten to (or can't) take my Prozac for a few days. Good times. Basically, it leaves me thinking that everyone on the planet (except me, of course) is suffering from some raging case of stupidity, and couldn't find their ass with both hands. It makes me want to drive people off the road (while glaring at them, blaring my horn steady, and giving them the finger) for not using their turn signals. It makes me want to throw things, hit things, and basically be extremely violent over things that a normal person capable of rational thought would see as nothing more than a slight inconvenience. Simply put, I feel like a monster. On top of that, I also feel sad and tired. Not just garden variety tired, either. But that achy, nasty feeling you get in your bones when you are just plain worn right the fuck out and can't take another minute of anyone's bullshit. So tired and sick of it all that you just want to cry "Uncle!" and go pass out for about a week. That kind of tired. Hmmm. Suddenly it occurs to me that the tired might not be from the lack of Prozac, but from a combination of me missing Vin, not getting quite enough sleep, and being irritated beyond belief at the no-talent assclowns running our IT department at work that are making my life more of a hell than necessary. I need a vacation. But I digress. Aw hell, I don't even really know what I the point was anymore. Oh yea, something about misery.
[Interruption. Phone.]
HA. Seems that my blogging about this prescription bullshit has done the trick. The phone call was my doc's office calling to tell me my prescription will be ready by 5pm at the pharmacy today. Heh heh. In the mean time, I think I'll take a break and go have a cig and grab a Pepsi. Too bad I'm at work, or else I'd be hitting the Jack and packing a bowl. Oh well, guess the Jack-n-Weed remedy will have to wait for a couple more hours.

Business Trips

I hate when he's away. Maybe it's because we don't spend enough time together to make it sort of a "relief" to have a break from him for a few days. Or maybe it's because I'm addicted to him, and when he's gone I jones for him. Or maybe it's just because I love him and I wish he were here. Home. Safe. Nearby. Whatever it is, I hate when he's away.

Blahhh

I bet my work would be pissed if they ever figured out how much time I spend fucking around online instead of working. Boy am I glad our IT department is a bunch of no-talent assclowns, otherwise I'd probably be in some serious trouble. Anyway. Fuck work. I don't feel like talking about work. Hm. As it turns out, I don't feel like talking at all.

I miss my (biological) mom

How can you miss someone you've never met?

I am adopted. I was born and lived with my biological mother for about three weeks, then was placed for adoption. My parents adopted me when I was six weeks old.

People that know their biological parents and siblings just don't realize how cool that is. How cool it is to look at their mom or dad or both and be able to see where they themselves get certain physical traits or habits. I've never had that opportunity, and in a way, I never will. Earlier this year, I did a search for my biological mother and was informed that she had passed away a couple years ago...at the ripe old age of about 47. I did get a picture of her though. It was taken when she was about my age (31). It's easy to see where I get a lot of my physical traits. So that solves part of the mystery. But the other part will always be a mystery. I'll never get the opportunity to talk to her. I'll never know what kind of person she was. I wonder if she was like me? I wonder if she was emotional like I am? I wonder if she is the one person that could have really understood me? I wonder if we would have been friends in a way that my ma and I cannot? (Ma is my mom. My adoptive mom. She is the only ma I've ever known, and I would never think of her any different.) I don't know. I just know that there are times that I'd like to be able to point to the people that created me and say "AH-HA! THAT'S where I get that from!" and I can't. Somehow, it seems like things would be easier to swallow if I had someone to blame for the way I am. I mean someone besides myself.

What I Wish

I wish that just for one day, I didn't have to deal with being an emotional person. I'd like to trade lives with someone that deals with their life solely on a logical level. I hate having to try to understand myself sometimes. When I'm angry or frustrated or mad or sad or whatever, I can't fucking let it go until I figure out what's making me feel the way I do, and GOD DAMN if that isn't some tiring shit. Right now is a great example. I'm sitting here staring at my computer and I can feel all this pent up bullshit stirring inside me. My throat is dry, my brow is knit together in perma-frown mode, and I know that if given the correct stimulus (or possibly none at all) I could start crying. I don't want to think about it anymore, but I feel like I can't stop myself, either. Jesus. And you know what's even more frustrating than that? I HATE THAT I'M SITTING HERE WHINING TO THE BLOGOSPHERE ABOUT IT. I hate being a person that bitches about shit. I hate that I don't have all the answers. Why can't I just be one of those pleasant people that never seems to let anything bother them? Aw fuckit...they probably don't have shit any more figured out than I do, they just hide it better I guess. Maybe that's what I wish. Not to be a non-emotional person, but instead just figure out how to be in complete control of my emotions every minute of every day, rather than have it the other way around.

DAMN IT ALL

I've started this post about a half dozen times now. Each time, I get about a paragraph into it, decide what I'm writing is completely boring trash, and delete it. It's hard to write about pleasant stuff when all I really want to say is how pissed off and frustrated I am. So fuck pleasant. I am pissed off and frustrated and the worst part is, I can't really get a handle on what the fuck the problem is. Aw fuckit. I know what the problem is. I just get afraid to put it all down here. I get afraid that he's going to read it and not like what I have to say. I get afraid that he's going to take it out of context or read into it or misinterpret it or misunderstand it. Beyond that, I get afraid that if that does happen, he won't say anything to me. Or maybe I'm afraid he WILL say something to me. Fuck I don't know. Why is it so fucking hard to communicate with him some days? FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

But Ma, Everybody's doing it!

Okay, I've seen this in about 100 places today, so here's mine:

ABC Interrogation
This thing has been on so many sites who knows who started it.

A-ACT YOUR AGE: 31
B-BOYFRIEND: Yep, Vin (not his real name, but you knew that!)
C-CHORE YOU HATE: It's a tie between taking out the garbage and ironing
D-DAD'S NAME: Pop
E-ESSENTIAL MAKE UP ITEM: I don't wear make up
F-FAVE ACTRESS: Angelina Jolie, Janeane Garofalo, Ashley Judd, Kathy Bates, and a host of others...I can't pick just one!
G-GOLD OR SILVER: Silver
H-HOMETOWN: St. Paul, Minnesota
I-INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: Used to play - Flute, Piccolo, Trumpet, Baritone, and a little French Horn
J-JOB TITLE: Administrative Assistant
K-KIDS: One son, placed for adoption at birth
L-LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: 2 BR Apt with female roommate (that I DO NOT have pillow fights with in our baby-doll pajamas, in case you wondered) and 2 cats
M-MOM'S NAME: Ma
N-# OF PEOPLE YOU'VE SLEPT WITH: Somewhere around 35+. About 30 or so men, and 5 or so women, give or take a couple in either category.
O-OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: One, when I had my son
P-PHOBIA: Heights
Q-QUOTE YOU LIKE: "Be the Ball"
R-RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION: Raised Catholic, trying desperately to recover
S-SIBLINGS: One younger brother, two younger half-brothers, and one younger half-sister. I'm convinced that what they say about birth order is all crap, by the way.
T-TIME YOU WAKE UP: 6:30-7:00 am weekdays; hopefully after 10 am weekends
U-UNIQUE HABIT: Talking to my cats like they're people, and interpreting their responses
V-VEGETABLE YOU REFUSE TO EAT: Brussel Sprouts. Broccoli Stalks.
W-WORST HABIT: Smoking cigarettes
X-X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Ankle when I sprained it, and dental
Y-YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: Tater Tot Hot dish (more proof that I'm Minnesotan)
Z-ZODIAC SIGN: Leo

Uninspired

::Sigh:: I am one boring biatch today. I have nothing to write about. Me thinks perhaps this blog is too daunting a task for my feeble mind. At least for my feeble mind while I'm at work. See, if I could just do this from home, things would be so much easier.

Vin came over last night and though I could tell something was disturbing him in the back of his mind (he tried not to let on, but I recognize disturbed when I see it in him), we had a nice night. After some slow, tender love-making, he let me curl up next to him and fall asleep, even though I knew he wasn't staying the night. Falling asleep next to him is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world.

He let me know today that I inadvertently upset him yesterday. I'm hoping the email I sent him this morning will help smooth things over until we can talk about it. I hate when he's upset, especially when I'm the reason. You ever hear that Prince song, "If I was your Girlfriend"? There's a line in that song that goes "would you run to me if somebody hurt you, even if that somebody was me?" Though I don't expect he'll ever be the type to run to me if somebody hurt him, I like that he's open enough with me that when I'm the one upsetting him or making him worry, he tells me so. It's that kind of communication that makes me think that this relationship is one that's going to last. God I love him.

Friday's Quote

"There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you." ~ Silent Bob in the movie Clerks.

Seemed appropriate, given my long post from Wednesday.

Cheating

As I mentioned yesterday, MBL has had some interesting stuff going on at his blog in relation to the whole subject of cheating. I've re-read his posts and the comments that went with them, and it sparked me to put down my own thougths about cheating. This should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway. These are my thoughts. They are in no way meant to be any kind of judgement about the way anyone else lives their life. I'm not trying to justify or condemn anyone's behavior, except maybe my own.

Now then. Cheating. Let me preface this by saying that I have never been married. Not that married cheating is any different from committed relationship cheating, in my opinion, but it seems like a relevant thing to point out. I'd also like to state for the record that I have not cheated on my present b/f, Vin, nor would I.

I have been The Cheater, The Cheated, and The Other Woman. I would qualify for all those titles more than once. I've seen cheating from many angles. My circumstances were varied.

The times I was The Cheater (meaning I was the one cheating on my b/f or g/f) were often more out of spite for having been cheated on than for any other reason. You know the whole "he/she cheated on me so I'm cheating on him/her" type bullshit. Some of the times were out of sheer stupidity and/or youth, and allowing myself to be caught up in the moment. It's not an excuse, but it's the truth. I am a very "immediate gratification" type person, and in my past I was more interested in doing whatever made me happy right that minute than I was about doing the right thing. I could justify just about anything, as long as the end result was my satisfaction/pleasure. When I was in the moment, I didn't think about how my actions would affect my significant other if they were to ever find out - I simply did whatever I thought would make me happiest. I rarely regretted the actual act of cheating because I saw it as a sexual thing, not an emotional one. (And as I said, many of those times it was for spite, so why would I feel regret or guilt?) Basically, sex was just sex, not emotion, so was I really hurting my significant other? Not in my mind. In my mind, in order to hurt someone I loved I would have had to have some emotional connection to the people I'd cheated with, and that just wasn't the case. I now see things very differently, but I'll elaborate on that later in this post.

Times I was The Cheated (meaning, I was the one that got cheated ON)...well, what can I say about those times? They sucked. I could never understand why he/she needed to cheat. Was it something I did? Didn't do? Did I lack skill? Was I terrible in bed? Was there something he/she needed that I wasn't giving them? Why did he/she need to be with anyone besides me? Wasn't I enough? And if I wasn't enough, WHY wasn't I enough? I used to drive myself crazy with that shit. Sadly, most of the time I got cheated on, I never really did get a straight answer about what the fuck the root of the problem was that was making the other person cheat on me. (Incidentally - if you are a cheater and you do get caught and your S.O. asks why...do that person a favor and just fucking tell them. Believe me, it probably won't make things any worse than they already are, so just bite the bullet.)

The times I was The Other Woman (meaning I was screwing a guy that was married and I knew it)...aw hell. I'll just come right out and say it. I was cheating with my best friend's husband. To clarify - my best friend was married to a guy. He decided to cheat on her. With me. We got caught. We lied. Long story short, they got a divorce (ironically, not because he cheated on her with me, but for a multitude of other reasons that I don't care enough about to get into here.) She hated me for awhile, but when we reconciled, she admitted to me that she was glad I'd cheated with him. Turns out, she was thinking about asking me to do it so that she'd have a reason to divorce him. So we were friends again. Now here's the most fucked up part. She re-married. Different guy. He cheated on her too. With me. Well, to be fair, not just with me. There were three or four others (or so I'm told) but at the time, I thought I was the only one. We got caught because he decided to tell her about it, even though it was way after we'd stopped fooling around. Obviously, there was no point in trying to lie about that one. Anyway, they divorced. Now let's see, what was my point? Oh, that I've had experience being The Other Woman. It was bad, very very bad. I try very hard to always say "I have no regrets in life", and it's hardest to say that when I think about having been The Other Woman. I say the "no regrets" thing because I love the person I am today, and I would not be the person I am today if it hadn't been for all the things I've been through and seen and done in my life. BUT. I very much regret causing as much pain as I have to the people I did. That's all I can really say about it without talking in circles.

The point of all this? That I've learned a lot about Cheating, in general. I think the most important thing I learned is that it is someting I will never do again. I have been hurt by cheating almost as much as I've hurt other people with my cheating, and that's one of the reasons that I try as hard as humanly possible to live an honest life now. For a long time, I thought that having an open relationship would be the best way to avoid the whole issue of cheating. I thought, hell, if I'm going to have sex with other people even though I'm in a relationship, then the least I could do is fucking be honest about it, right? I still think it's a good way to avoid cheating, but I've decided that an open relationship is not what I want. Vin has shown me a beauty about committed relationships that I have never seen before. There is no way on earth that I would jeopardize that over a trivial sexual fling with someone else. If I became unhappy in my relationship for whatever reason, I'd talk to Vin about it. If I became bored with our sex life, I'd talk to Vin about it. Basically, my thinking is that if I'm willing to risk my entire relationship with him by getting caught cheating, then I might as well face him with my problems before I've done something wrong and possibly irreversible. Which may prompt you to ask - well, what if you KNEW you wouldn't get caught? To which I'd say...yes, but I WOULD KNOW that I was cheating, and that's enough of a reason not to. Just because I wouldn't get caught doesn't make it right. It would still indicate that there was some underlying reason for my unhappiness that I was trying to fulfill outside my relationship, and that, my friend, is just wrong. If I ever got to a point where I was THAT unhappy, and all my options were spent, and Vin and I had had every converstaion imaginable and no resolution were possible...well, that would be the end. I would not stay in a relationship like that. Nor would I ever expect that of Vin.

Sorry so long winded. Guess I had a lot to say. I may update this later if I think of anything I left out.

I can't think

I just can't think of a damn thing to write today. Work is really frustrating, and I have a headache. I'm working on month-end reports and as usual, they are fucked up and I have to wait for someone in the IT dept to get them straightened out before I can continue with what I need to do. I just want to get them done and over with - I have no patience for this today. ACK.

MBL has a pretty interesting topic going on this week about cheating. Check it out. I have thoughts on this subject but I'm just too crabby to type them out. I think I'll re-read his posts and get into that discussion later, when my head has cleared out a bit.

Today would be a good day for me to go home and think. I feel like I haven't been doing nearly enough thinking lately.

Camera-Phones

Oh for the love of...whatever. Just heard this on the radio (not a direct quote, but the message is the same). The scenario put forth by the announcer is as follows - you are out on a date with Hunk-o, and oddly, he's brought his friend, Tasty-o along. Three's a bit of a crowd, so now what? You pick up your handy camera phone and email Tasty-o's pic off to all your horny girlfriends, and wait for the phone to ring. Horny girlfriend calls back and says to tell Tasty-o she's on her way. Now comes the best part of the commercial....announcer asks quizzically - What on earth did we do before camera-phones?
Hm. Lemme think about this. What. The. Hell. ?! Is this a raging problem going on in our society? Being out in public somewhere and DESPERATELY needing a ... a... CAMERA? All I can do is shake my head and mutter to myself...again...This message brought to you by the random company called BECAUSE YOU'LL BUY ANYTHING!

Yikes. Run. Run while you can.

None for me

Sigh. No spankings for me last weekend...Vin had to go out of town for a family emergency. It's a weird kind of lonliness when he's gone. When he's away, I somehow feel a little emptier. My head knows this is stupid...it's not like he's on another planet for chrissakes...he is just a phone call away. But there's no reasoning with my heart. Somehow the separation of him being out of town seems larger than when he's just across town, at home. (We don't live together.) I'm sure it didn't help my psyche any that the pseudo-terrorist upstairs neighbor had his mini-pseudo-terrorist children for the weekend, and that they were practicing their world-champion-wrestling moves at about 7:30 am right above my bedroom. Fucking fuckers. It went on (and off...and on again) all weekend long. At one point, I was sitting in a chair in my living room and they were jumping so hard above me that my chair was actually VIBRATING. What. The. Fuck. I gave the universal 'three taps' on the ceiling with my broom as a message for him to shut the hell up. He decided it was his cue to start JUMPING on the floor. Fucking asshat. I hope his nuts get crushed in a vice in some twisted accident. At any rate. This all made up for what amounted to one helluva crappy weekend. I'm glad Vin is home safe, family emergency safely put to rest, and I'm back to work at my predictable job. Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day. Wait, I take that back. I just realized TODAY is a better day! My boss is out of town for a week, and to celebrate, my co-worker and I are taking long lunches. (There's more of a story there, but I don't feel like elaborating.) I'm really not the slacker I might sound like, I swear. I have a fantastic work ethic...I just choose not to waste it on this job, most of the time.

A fantasy

Ok, I'm too tired and lazy to think of something original, so I'll give you something that I wrote for Vin a couple months back. Enjoy.

I was laying in bed last nite fantasizing about you. I imagined us at Ground Zero...upstairs, and it was packed with people. You had dressed me up in a super tight tank top, skirt, really tall high heels, and thigh-high stockings...the tops of which were barely covered by my short skirt. You went and whispered something in Mistress Gene's ear that prompted her to come and take me by the hand and lead me to her chair. You were standing at the head of the chair staring at me with a most devilish look in your eyes. She handed you a blindfold, and you quickly placed it gently over my eyes and guided me into the chair. My heart was racing. I felt hands on the backs of my thighs, moving my skirt up around my waist, exposing my ass to the crowd. (Suddenly, I realized why you had insisted on a thong that nite.) Simultaneously, I could feel my wrists being secured to the chair, and I thought my heart might leap from my chest. I could feel myself become wet in anticipation. You leaned over and whispered in my ear "let yourself go"...just as a hand came down on my ass, followed quickly by another. A tiny moan escaped me. I could feel my face turning red with embarrassment but I didn't care, for it was this kind of humiliation I had secretly fantasized about ever since I started fantasizing when I was younger. I felt hands on my thighs, spreading my legs apart...which balanced me a bit more, but also left me more exposed than I thought I would ever find myself in public. I wondered who might be watching from behind, and the thought made my legs shake a bit because it turned me on so much. I felt a small paddle first, and it was absolute heaven. Two quick swats, then four more that came slowly and methodically. I squirmed a bit with pleasure, and two hands immediately came to my hips to stop me from moving. You leaned over and whispered to me again...."be a good girl for me, baby, you're doing so good!" Then you reached down my front and gave each of my nipples a nice firm squeeze and tug. I lost myself in the next few minutes. I felt something that felt like the whip I have at home....it came down quick and stung good and I knew that my panties were getting soaked with my wetness. She didn't let up. Over and over I felt the whip on my ass, and I wondered if she was going to bring me to orgasm. Then she put her hands on my ass, rubbing it gently. I could hear the crowd in the background this entire time, and though I knew they were only a couple feet away, my hearing was all distorted and warped...it made the yelling and cheering sound as if it were coming from a tunnel. I felt another paddle, faster and harder than the first one. It made me moan out loud and I didn't care who heard. Next, I felt a vibrator being run up one thigh and down the other....between my legs...touching my pussy....being run over my ass... my legs were shaking with pure pleasure and I started to wonder if anyone has ever fainted from this before. While the vibrator was being run all over me, I felt drops of ice cold water being dripped between my shoulder blades...on my ass....and on the backs of my thighs. Then everything stopped...I could only hear the crowd. I waited. And waited. The anticipation was killing me. I wanted more, so much more. Then came a flurry of paddling....hard and fast. I was so wet that I wondered if it was dripping from me, and kind of hoped that it was. Then, with one final and very hard swat, it was over. Mistress Gene removed my blindfold while you freed me of my wrist retraints. I gathered a large round of applause and I not only felt my face burning brightly with pleasure and embarrassment, but weak in the knees as well. I sheepishly and quietly thanked her, and you took my hand and led me slowly outside.

My spanking

Didn't happen last night. Oh we fooled around a bit and he did smack my ass for a little while, but nothing too brutal or serious. Just yummy enough to make me wet and leave me wanting more. I'm betting this weekend is going to be a different story, however.

I can't wait.

Friday's Quote

"Weed will get you through times with no money, better than money will get you through times with no weed." ~ ? I have no idea who said this (originally). UPDATE: Jay Solo sent me the following info:
Gilbert Shelton of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers comic books had a character named Freewheelin' Franklin that popularized that phrase. Jay duly notes that the character did not use the word weed, though, and instead used the word "dope." Here's a link to check out Gilbert Shelton. Thanks for the info, Jay! You rock.

If you have documentation of who originated this saying, send it to me and I'll edit this post and educate anyone else who says this besides me. [Update: I no longer need this; see above.] It is something I have said many times, and it isn't any less true today than it was the first time I heard it. In fact, it may be even MORE true now than it was the first time I heard it, because now I actually have gone through times with money but no weed.

Wish I were high right this minute....I'd likely be having a much better morning at work.

Comments

I just wanted to write a quick update on what happened to my Comments. Basically, the ones that were posted prior to this week got "eaten". I use BlogSpeak for my comments (very happy with them, I might add) and late last week or early this week (of course I could go look it up but I just don't care that much) there was a virus of some sort fucking up all of BlogSpeak's comments or something, and as a result (either of the virus or of them fixing the virus) all old comments were lost. Sorry! Just thought y'all might like to know.

Spank Me!

OK! So it's Thursday and I haven't posted SHIT yet this week. What the hell?!?! Work has been a biatch, and I haven't had time. Ok, that's not the whole truth. Another reason is that Vin recently made me aware of the fact that he has a blog, but has decided that it would be more "fun" for me to find it without any help from him. So basically, I've become obsessed with finding his damn blog. Unsuccessfully, I might add. It's driving me crazy. He is one twisted individual sometimes, but I'm not afraid to admit that it's something I love about him. Ok, time to change the subject, cuz suddenly I'm feeling like getting all mushy about being in love. Sheesh.

So whaddya think of tongue piercings? (Besides the usual "everybody's got one so they're just not a big deal anymore" bullshit.) It has been my experience that the girls I've been with have absolutely loved it, but the guys I've been with haven't really seemed to give a shit one way or another. I'm wondering if anyone else has any insight on this. Is it me? Am I doing something better with it with the girls than the boys? Are there tricks I've not yet learned on the ins and outs of using a tongue stud to the best of my advantage when sucking dick? And let me just state for the record that I'm VERY good at orally stimulating any partner I have - both boys and girls. So it's NOT that I'm lacking skill or anything, I swear. I'm just curious if anyone else has had this same experience. Let me know.

Now, on to spanking me. I have been very naughty for making y'all wait so long for a post and I'm sincerely sorry. How on earth did y'all manage without me? HA. Vin is coming over tonight, and I will be sure to tell him how bad I've been. If he doesn't have the energy to do anything about it tonight, then it's a safe bet that my ass will be in some serious fucking trouble Saturday night. We're going to Ground Zero and he's usually pretty psyched after that, so my ass will likely wind up heavily bruised and very sore. Yummmmm...can't wait. What's that? What is Ground Zero, you ask? It's a club here in Minneapolis. Dancing, drinking, whatnot. Thursday and Saturday nights are Bondage Night. There's a very hot Domme upstairs at the club, and she'll whip, spank, and generally abuse you if you ask her to...with a nice sized crowd looking on. There's other stuff that goes on, but it's really not the same to describe it here. Come to Minneapolis and see it for yourself.

Hm. Just got an interesting email from Vin. He tells me that if the Yankees win, he will be lending my ass to all his friends and family for them to do with me as they please. (He's originally from NY.) He said if they lose, then nothing will happen. I'm crossing my fingers that they win...I'm dying to see what would actually come of that!